


Always - Thasmin One Shots

by butlifegoeson



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cute, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2019-10-02 20:51:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 56,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17270924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butlifegoeson/pseuds/butlifegoeson
Summary: Thank you so much, guys - can't believe how many people like these!! This one is a little smutty in the second half, just so you know.





	1. Bunk Beds

My breathing was hard, and it took me a few tries to get the words out.

‘Doctor, where are they?’ She looked back at me blankly, as if to say how should I know and I couldn’t help but flounce a little, beginning to get my breath back and hoping that she really did have a plan - or at least part of one.

‘We’ll meet them back at the Tardis. It’ll be fine. Come on.’ Without thinking I began to follow her down the corridor. 

If I wasn’t becoming used to this, it might have occurred to me that it was a little odd to be running on a glass floor, but what would have been more surprising would have been the fact that beyond that glass, down as far as the eye could see (and all around us) was black. To the point that you couldn’t really be sure that it was glass until you saw a star shooting beneath your feet, or another ship in the distance.

It was eery but, at the moment, inconsequential. 

Her coat flapped behind her and in the back of my mind I was wondering whether two hearts meant she was just that much better at running, or whether I was more unfit than I had thought.   
I was used to having to keep up with others, prove myself, Yasmin Khan, female police officer of Pakistani descent. It wasn’t like it had been an easy journey.

But the doctor was way out of my league, and I’d known it from the first moment I met her.

Without even turning back to me she called out my name, motioning with her hand for me to catch up as she slowed at the end of the corridor. 

She kept her hand held out behind her and waved it a little as though waiting for me to do something.

I looked at it wondering what she wanted, and checked my pockets for her sonic. Sometimes she forgot it somewhere and I picked it up, for someone so clearly a genius she could be a bit of a liability. 

‘What?’ I asked, my breathing slowing, as I found nothing in my pockets to give her.

‘Don’t worry.’ She said, but I noticed a blush on her cheeks - feeling a little triumphant I followed her through the now unlocked door, wondering if this was a sign that actually she was getting a little tired. 

‘One Tardis, safe and sound.’ She tapped it, but kept her hand resting on it, the relief palpable.

‘Thank goodness for that.’ I nearly laughed, my stomach unclenching for the first time in a while.

But a noise coming from behind the Tardis kept me quiet, the doctor moved in front of me, her hand outstretched behind her keeping me back.  
‘Who’s there?’ She called out, and I looked down her figure to see her hand reaching into her pocket, resting on the sonic. 

‘Doc, it’s only us.’ It was unmistakably Graham’s voice, and I went to move forward, but she put her hand out to stop me again, taking hold of my arm with one hand and putting her finger to her lips with the other. 

Her hand slipped down my arm and came to rest on my wrist, me not moving next to her.

‘If you are Graham,’ she said, seriously, ‘what’s my favourite biscuit?’ I sucked in a breathe, not sure why it suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough air in the room.  
When no sound greeted us, she moved her hand down again, and I relaxed my clasped hand, letting hers slip into mine. 

She squeezed it a little and moved her head around the Tardis.

‘Well?’ She asked again.

‘Well, it’s obviously a custard cream, like the ones you used as cereal this morning.’ Her nose wrinkled as she smiled and I couldn’t help but smile too.

‘Oh, alright then. You are Graham. Can’t be too careful, did I ever tell you about the Teselecta?’ She said, turning to me.

‘I met them when I was with Hitler, could mirror your entire body in a heartbeat. Peacekeepers, they were, or something. Long time ago.’ She nodded, and I could see Ryan and Graham coming closer, my eyes darted back to our hands, still holding each other’s, and she followed my gaze. Looking me dead in the eye with a small smile before she dropped it. 

‘You alright?’ Graham rounded the corner and nodded towards the two of us. 

‘Er, doctor, we might want to head off?’ Ryan’s voice called out, still a few steps behind Graham.

‘Why?’ We all peered round the Police Box to see the outline of a man about to turn the corner of the corridor.

‘DOC-TOR’ The voice was loud enough that it bounced like a bullet around the cabin, and it was definitely not to be messed with. Something told me they had realised that we’d changed their flight pattern.

‘When you’re ready doc,’ said Graham, nodding towards the Tardis door. 

She opened it with a click of her fingers and piled us inside before closing the door.

‘One second.’ She promised, slipping back through the door.

‘Doctor?’ My voice was screechy and high. I hated it when she did this, just when the danger was over she’d go out, try and reason with whatever was trying to kill us. I was all for giving people second chances, but surely at some point, self preservation surely should kick in? 

Within seconds she was back in the Tardis, her blond hair messy and tussled. 

‘Maybe not.’ She sucked in her lips as she shrugged off her coat, dropping it on the floor as she headed towards the console.

‘Is that a bullet hole?’ My eyes were still on the doctor when Ryan spoke, but they dropped to the coat, now on the floor, a dark burnt ring steaming a little above the pocket.   
My legs had already started moving before I’d thought about it, and though I was sent flying when she pulled the lever I was next to her in seconds. 

‘Doctor?’ She winced as I put my hands on her hips, checking her over.

‘Just a flesh wound.’ She flapped a hand at me, shooing me away.

There was a little blood on her shirt, but nothing much.

‘Doc?’ Graham said, warningly, his eyebrows raised.

‘Time for bed.’ She said finally, as though daring any of us to question her. 

She strode purposefully towards our room, and I turned round to talk to Ryan and Graham. 

‘Don’t worry, I’ll look after her.’ They nodded at me, and turned off towards their room.

‘Doctor?’ I called out after her, picking up the first aid kit before jumping up the stairs two at a time. 

The Tardis was massive, and it didn’t take much to get yourself lost. I counted the rooms on the corridor as I went down, one, two, three, there. Fourth door on the right, and I let myself in. 

The bunk bed dominated the room, but apart from that there wasn’t much there. We had a chest each for clothes, and the floor was made of a deep oak that always seemed to be warm.

‘Doc?’ I called, and her head bent over the top of the bunk.

‘Yes?’ Her voice was innocent, as though she hadn’t just possibly been attacked, and I raised an eyebrow, hands on hips.

‘What happened?’ I asked, and she flopped back on the bed, obscuring herself from view.

‘Nothing. I mean, well, I offered safe passage off the ship. They weren’t happy. There was a gunshot. But nothing else.’ She peeped over the edge again, her fleece pyjamas just visible beneath her chin. 

‘Can I take a look? I am trained, you know…’ 

‘You really don’t need to - I am a doctor, you know’ She mimicked.

‘Doctor.’ My voice sounded more whiny than stern, but she relented, throwing back the covers.

I hauled myself off the floor and onto her bunk, tucking my legs up underneath me. 

From the floor it had looked like there wouldn’t be enough room to sit upright comfortably, but as I did so, my head hit nothing - I wondered with Tardis rooms could change sizes, and pushed the thought to the back of my mind as I rubbed my hands together, trying to warm them up a little bit before I touched her.

Suddenly we felt very close, and I could see her holding her head up to watch me.

‘Don’t look.’ I said, more for her benefit than mine, and she settled her head back on to the pillow, her hair splaying out around her.

I swallowed and moved her shirt up a few inches, looking at the wound.

It was only superficial, but must have hurt, and my suspicions were confirmed when I went to touch the skin around it and she winced, I brought my hand back as quick as though it burnt.  
‘Sorry.’ My voice was smaller than I meant for it to be, and I could already feel tears stinging at my eyes. 

How could anyone do this to her?

I looked up at the ceiling for a second before continuing, taking out a dressing and placing it on the wound, using my hand to smooth it down. 

As I finished I looked up to see her watching me, the same blush on her face that I had seen earlier.

I half-smiled, not sure of myself enough to talk, and pulled my hand away from the flat of her stomach, suddenly aware that it had stayed there, resting beside the dressing.  
‘Yaz.’ Her voice was as small as mine had been, and my eyes flicked away from the dressing and up to hers.

I let out a breath I didn’t realise I had been holding and watched as she moved her hand from her side, reaching out and putting mine back where it had been against her.  
With her elbow, she propped herself up and I reached out to support her, our eyes on each other, our bodies inches apart.

She smiled that little smile of hers, as though this was the most alien situation she could possibly be in, and a sadness rose inside me that she could get to such an age and not have anyone by her side when we met her.

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and smoothed it down, my hand trailing down to rest on her neck.

My heart was beating so hard that the whooshing of blood was all that was ringing in my ears, and as I felt her hand wrap round my waist there was nothing I could do but lean forwards, closing the gap between us, my lips coming to rest on hers.

I kissed her, and felt her tense for a second, long enough for me to begin to pull away, a flush rising to my cheeks, my hands letting go as I wondered if I had seriously misread the whole situation.

But then her hand reached up to my neck as I had done to her just moments previously, and without hesitation she deepened the kiss, pulling me back to her as though her restraint had weakened and she had decided to allow herself this happiness, if only for a moment.  



	2. The Library

My fingers bounced along the spines of the books while my feet pushed me further and further into the library. I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander, the spines of what felt like every book ever published passing by, most of the titles written in curly writing that I didn’t have the time or energy to decipher. 

There was something calming about the room and I came here often. 

The Tardis was massive, but sometimes it still felt like we were all getting under each other’s feet. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the others — it was like in a matter of weeks I’d made another family, another life — but so much happened, sometimes I had to get away, take some time out.

The library was beautiful, it was somewhere where I knew the others didn’t venture too often, and although it was full of history and archways and beauty there were touches of the doctor dotted around, and that always made me smile.

A pile of broken screwdriver pieces, or a stack of books left open in a semi-circle, as though she’d been reading them all at once. 

My favourite of these was the beanbag, tucked away in the corner furthest from the door, behind a maze of shelves. 

It was as big as a double bed and the same blue as her trousers, I could sink into it for hours and not be disturbed, not be found. 

I couldn’t help but flop onto it, hands behind my head as I looked up at the ceiling, which seemed so far away, above another floor and a half of books.

It had been a long day, and I’d left the others in the console room, arguing about whether King James would’ve wanted more than companionship from Ryan. 

I smiled a little at the thought of it, so lost in my own thoughts that it wasn’t until I felt someone standing next to me that I jumped, wondering how she’d come in so quietly.

‘Hey?’ I looked up towards the doctor and could already sense the concern.

‘Hey, you alright?’ I answered her, but my voice came out falsely bright, as though I was already preparing excuses. 

‘Mmm. Can I?’ She motioned to the space next to me on the beanbag and I nodded, grateful for the company.

‘Tough day?’ I knew she had turned to face me, but I didn’t trust myself not to cry if I turned to do the same to her, so instead I kept my gaze fixed firmly on the ceiling.

‘It’s just… well, they still died. We couldn’t save everyone.’ I couldn’t bring myself to ask how she coped with it. I didn’t know what would be worse, knowing that it had got to a point where it didn’t affect her as much, or knowing that it did, and inside she felt like I did. Either would break my heart.

‘Come here,’ Her voice was soft, like it had been when we’d gone to see Dan’s daughter and the memory welled up inside me, a tear escaping down my cheek even as I tried to fight it.  
I shook my head, almost infinitesimally. But she must have seen it, because when she spoke again her voice was little more than a whisper.

‘Oh Yaz.’ My eyes snapped towards hers, startled, already knowing from her voice that she was on the verge of tears too, something that seemed so at odds with the capable, unflappable doctor I knew.

‘Come here, sweetie.’ She motioned again for me to move closer but I couldn’t force myself to move, the effort of not crying using up all my energy. When I didn’t move I felt her arm wrap round me, pulling me into her as I finally let out a sob.

My head nestled neatly over her shoulder and I couldn’t help but wrap my arm back round her in return, my grip as tight as though she were a life raft.

Her hand rubbed small circles on my back and I let out another, whimpering sob. 

‘I’m sorry.’ I sniffed, trying to gain a little more control.

‘Don’t be.’ Her voice cracked a little with emotion as she spoke and she gave me a squeeze so tight I couldn’t help but hug her again in return, not ever wanting to let go. 

I knew, in that moment, that there was no way she’d gotten used to the pain of it, that every time someone was lost she felt this ache, and I felt a fresh bout of tears stinging at my eyes.


	3. Pizza?

‘So, they just bring it on the back of the bikes?’ Her mouth was full of food as she leaned over towards the window, as though expecting another delivery driver to be outside, waiting, in case she fancied another pizza.

‘Yeah. Doctor, it’s delivery pizza.’ I couldn’t help but smile at her excitement. It had been my idea to get food in tonight whilst the boys were out, and so far it hadn’t been a disappointment.   
‘You humans.’ She laughed, but when my eyebrows shot up questioningly she added, ‘it’s genius. Really.’ 

She nodded a little as she sat back down, watching me. 

The pizza was almost all gone and I leant back in the chair, pulling my feet up next to me on the sofa. 

‘So what shall we do now?’ I was just beginning to relax a little, but the doctor was already restless. It struck me that Timelord’s weren’t that good at patience. 

‘What do you want to do now?’ I relented, sitting back up properly to see her eyes still watching me. I couldn’t keep her gaze for too long for fear I’d blush. 

‘I mean, is this a sleepover?’ I followed her gaze towards my bedroom door and my response got stuck in my throat, not really sure where she was going with this. 

‘Well, yes, I suppose.’ I tried to make the pause seem like this was just some great deliberation on my part — and not just me trying to wrench my thoughts out of the gutter.

‘Aren’t we meant to be watching a movie in pyjamas then?’ She was just as serious as if we’d been faced with a puzzle on which our lives depended. 

‘We can do.’ I stood up, not really wanting to give her a chance to change her mind. 

‘Come on,’ I added, before she could sit down again and she followed me into the bedroom. 

I tilted my head over towards the bed, motioning for her to sit down whilst I went through my wardrobe, looking for a couple of pairs of pyjamas for us. 

‘Do you like sleepovers?’ I asked, after a moment, pushing the clothes as far back in to the wardrobe as I could and slamming the door, successfully containing everything but a pair of underwear behind them. 

I tried to stuff it under the wardrobe with my foot but I knew she’d already seen it, her smile giving it away the second I turned back.

‘Obviously not mine.’ I laughed awkwardly as she grinned at me and threw some of the pyjamas over to her. I couldn’t help but watch as she hopped off the bed, her arms already above her head, pulling the shirt off, braces hanging by her side. 

‘Ha, sleepover with Yaz.’ Flopping back on to the bed she star-fished as I finished putting on the trousers. 

Her eyes were still on me and I could feel the first prickles of a blush on my cheeks.

‘Yes, I like sleepovers,’ she said a moment later, leaning against the door as I stood up.

‘Good.’ I slipped through the gap between her and the door, slowing for a second as I caught her eye. One eyebrow was raised slightly, as though she was trying to figure me out, and there was something different in her expression, like she was remembering something she’d lost.

‘Right you,’ I joked, poking her lightly in the ribs, her nose wrinkling as I broke her from whatever daydream she’d been having.

‘What movie?’ I sat down on the sofa and patted the space next to me.

‘Toy Story 4.’ Her answer was without hesitation and I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was a bit early for that.

‘What about the first one? I haven’t seen it in ages.’ She smiled and nodded.

‘Hang on, wait a sec.’ She added, disappearing back into my room.

‘What are you doing?’ I peered my head around the door to see her picking up the duvet, dragging it on to the floor and through the door.

‘Blankets.’ I helped her pull it through and on to the sofa, the both of us curled up underneath but a foot apart. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get a bit closer to her, but that it felt a little wrong, as though I’d be crossing a barrier.

The film was already halfway through before she spoke again, and at first I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.

‘I meant it, when I said, about the universe.’ Under the duvet her hands moved as though she was still motioning with them even though I couldn’t see.

‘Meant what, doctor?’ My eyebrows scrunched a bit, wondering where she was going with this. Her mind moved at double speed, and there were times I just had to sit back and listen to her explain things, knowing that I didn’t really understand the importance of any of it. It was one of her best qualities, her mind. But I knew it also caused her the most hassle, there was a sadness in her eyes, when she thought that no one was watching, a sadness of someone who has seen too much of the bad, but not enough love. I’d grown to know it at work, it was in the people making bad choices, but only because they didn’t have direction, it was in the teens whose parents didn’t want to come and get them, knowing it wouldn’t be the last time.

That wasn’t the doctors story, but sometimes, I didn’t know how.

‘When I said, we can’t have a universe with no Yaz.’ Her eyes flicked over to mine for a second and I smiled in the gloom. 

‘The same could be said about you.’ It sounded cheesy, but I wasn’t just saying it for the sake of saying it, it was true, literally, but also true for me, she would always be the best person I ever met, I was already sure of it.

After a few more minutes of silence I put my hand on the sofa between us, under the warmth of the duvet. I felt like I was back in high school, no longer sure of myself, not able to explain how I felt, or even be brave enough to try.

The movie paled into background noise for me, my hand growing hot as it sat in the no man’s land between us. I was debating pulling it back, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that it had been there in the first place, when I felt her little finger graze mine.

My gaze stayed resolutely on the screen, as though to do anything more would scare her away, like a little kitten. 

I nudged at her finger in return. I’d never been more nervous in her company, which was saying something, given that most of the times we were together it was a life and death situation.

I turned my palm over and waited for her to respond, our hands having a whole conversation without us. 

Her hand was just as warm as mine and they both curled together under the covers. 

I was glad of the almost darkness, knowing that there was no way that I could stop grinning, even if I knew she was going to see.

The movie was getting towards the end, and I was glad it was something I’d seen before, because there was no way I’d be keeping up with it otherwise. 

I watched the animated characters disappearing through the vent, ready to go back home and laughed in all the right places, I pretended like my body wasn’t on fire just from a single touch of hers, and I even made sure not to wriggle when her hands tickled at mine. 

I only faltered for a second when she moved her hand away from mine, somehow sure that I had crossed a line, or inadvertently done something terrible. I froze for a second, not sure whether to open my mouth or just let it be, but then she lifted up the covers, scooting closer to me and I felt a smile tug at the corners of my mouth as I lifted up one arm, letting her snuggle up next to me as I brought my arm around her, her hand taking mine again.


	4. The Playground

Yasmin Khan 8 years old.

It took me a long time to write it out, because it was the first page of my notebook and I wanted to get it really neat. Mum had given me the notebook for my birthday, and it was blue with stripes on - really grown up. 

The end of the pencil tasted funny in my mouth, but I chewed on it anyway, trying to decide all the things I would write in my new notebook. The other ones I’d had had been filled with drawings and stuff, but that was when I was seven. I was eight now, too old for baby stuff. 

The playground was cold and I’d used my coat to sit on, leaning against the wall. It was a good place to sit because I could see all the way round the playground, and no one could come up behind me. Especially Izzy Flint.

She was what my mum would call ‘a nasty piece of work’, I didn’t really know what it meant, but she was definitely nasty, so I’d nod when she said it. 

She didn’t like me because I was different, because I looked different, and she especially didn’t like me because the teachers liked me more than her. 

That wasn’t my fault. It was only because I would actually listen to them, and I did try to help her once by explaining that, but instead she’d thrown my sandwiches on the floor. After that, I just ignored her. 

It wasn’t hard, trying to be invisible, and it gave me time to watch everyone else at break, I knew better than anyone all the people that had had arguments, and I always tried to make sure they were okay afterwards.

I flipped over on to a new page, the lines were really close together and I already knew that I’d have to keep writing slowly to make sure that it didn’t get messy.

I must have been squinting a bit, because when I saw the pink shoes on the ground next to me they looked fuzzy, and for a moment I didn’t know whose they were. 

‘You are so boring.’ She made the so sound like it had five hundred Os, making sure her friends behind her had time to laugh. 

I didn’t say anything, because it probably wouldn’t have helped and I didn’t think I was boring. 

‘Like, so boring. So boring that no one will ever want to talk to you.’ I was pretty sure that she was talking to me right now, which definitely made her point stupid. But mum’s voice was in my head, telling me not to talk back to her, even if I knew I was right. I knew I would, when I was older, that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up, someone that made sure that people like Izzy Flint didn’t go around hurting anyone else. 

Her hand reached down, and I snatched my pen and notebook away, as far out of her reach as I could make it. My tummy felt like it was all tangled up and I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want her to know. 

Someone laughed behind her and someone else joined in. It sounded like there were hundreds of them all laughing at me, and I closed my eyes tight shut, hoping they’d go away.

‘Girls. Move.’ It was a grown-up voice, but I didn’t know if girls meant me, too, so I kept still, bringing my knees up so that my notebook was like a sandwich between them and my tummy. 

I heard people shuffling away, but it still felt like they were looking me so I kept my eyes shut.

‘Are you okay?’ It was the grown up again and I nodded, still looking down at the floor. She wasn’t my teacher and I wasn’t sure if you could get strangers in the playground and my tummy still felt funny so I didn’t look at her. 

‘You know, one day, you will grow up to be one of the most interesting people ever. You’ll have stories that will make them wish that they had been your friend every day, forever.’ I wanted to tell her that she was probably wrong, but I didn’t.

‘You’ll always be very special, and you’ll definitely show them what they’re missing out on.’ I brought my head up a bit, it was like she knew a secret but didn’t want to tell me all of it.   
She had blue trousers on and brown shoes, but as I looked higher up at her someone called out from inside.

‘Caretaker, everything okay? What are you doing?’ It was definitely Mrs Jones, the head teacher, and I looked back down at my lap.

‘Just taking care, Mrs Jones.’ I looked back up towards the stranger, but she was already striding away, a brown jacket covering the rest of her outfit, hood up against the cold.


	5. Dinner

‘Doctor, you in here?’ I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as I rounded the corner to our bedroom. It wasn’t like the doc not to let us know where she was going. 

‘Doc, Graham was just saying that they’ll be back later, he wanted to know if you wanted anything whilst he was out?’ Still no answer, I moved further down the corridor. The only other time she’d wandered off in the Tardis was when I’d found her asleep in the library and, sweet as it was, I hoped that wasn’t the case tonight.

I’d already made a reservation for dinner and I definitely wouldn’t have the heart to wake her if she’d fallen asleep again. She always looked so peaceful, and young. 

‘Doc?’ I knocked on the bathroom door, a last ditch attempt before I went to the library.

‘Just a sec.’ Her voice sounded vaguely strangled, as though she’d been caught out. 

‘Sorry.’ I called, stepping away from the door. 

‘See you in a minute,’ I added as I moved further away again, ready to go and find an outfit to wear tonight.

It wasn’t that I was trying to impress, I was hoping the doctor and I were friends enough that that wasn’t necessary so much any more, it just felt like maybe tonight would be a bit different. 

Graham and Ryan were going to meet up with old friends, and rather than just travel to after they’d done, the doctor suggested we have a catch up of our own. Apparently, short hops are difficult in the Tardis, too precise, she said.

It wasn’t even that it felt like a date, it just felt, different. Like over the last few weeks we had grown to know each other so much, but that some of the key bits were still missing, a byproduct of the majority of our interactions being in life and death situations.

It was nearly Christmas, so I picked out something a little sparkly, and put on a pair of jeans, too. I’d debated a dress, but that had seemed too much, and I already felt awkward. 

Every second that I spent with the doctor saw me fall more and more for her personality, her brains, just her. The whole package was so stunning that sometimes I was sure she must think me completely boring in comparison, but then she’d smile, a smile that made you believe anything she said, that made you think that one day, if you were really lucky, you could be the one to put that smile on her face and it warmed me all the way through, like sitting by a log fire in Winter. It was a sweet torture that I couldn’t resist, the urge to be with her accompanied by the pain of knowing that she probably saw us as friends and only friends, but knowing that even that was a miracle.

I wandered back to the bathroom, hoping to put on a little make up before we went out, but as I opened the door I saw that all of my things were strewn over the counter, definitely not as I’d left them. 

‘Doc?’ I called out, confused.

‘Yeah?’ She answered, coming through to the doorway.

I looked up to her, my hands still trying to gather up everything that had been left out, and I noticed her face was red, as though she’d been rubbing at it. She caught my eye and then looked down hurriedly. 

‘You said it was going to be somewhere nice, I was trying to make an effort.’ Her embarrassment was evident and she continued looking at the floor. 

I wasn’t sure what surprised me more, the fact that she was obviously trying so hard, or that she even thought she needed makeup. Her skin was flawless, her eyes big and beautiful and always shining. 

‘Take a seat,’ I smiled at her, pointing towards the counter and she flicked her eyes up to mine before deciding to jump up onto it. 

I scooched my bag over next to her, and stood facing her, my hands resting on her knees, her legs dangling either side of me. 

‘You know you really don’t need any makeup.’ I said, and she nodded, her hands already fiddling with the eyelash curler from my bag.

‘Neither do you, and you still wear it.’ I felt my heart swell a little at the compliment and did my best to squash it down, trying and failing to focus on the situation at hand.

‘Alright,’ I smiled, she was watching me as I brought out a few little bits, helping her to put on some moisturiser and miming an O shape with my mouth as I helped her with the lip gloss.

She was like a kid at Christmas, and the whole evening was worth it just for her expression as I showed her what an eyelash curler was actually for. 

When I was done, I couldn’t help but look at her and smile, my hands resting on her thighs. 

She wrapped her legs around my waist, smiling playfully, and I bit my lip in an attempt to keep at least an element of self control.

‘Thanks, Yaz.’ 

‘Hey, any time.’ I rubbed my hand on her leg, smiling as she looked at me, before letting my arms fall to my sides, not wanting her to think any more of it. 

There was a high likelihood that if we stayed like that for any longer I would do or say something that I wasn’t ready to admit to, and worse, that couldn’t be undone.

There was a shift in the atmosphere and she must have noticed it to because as the heat rose to my cheeks she hopped back on to the floor, turning to look in the mirror.

‘Wow,’ she whispered, and she was right, she looked stunning, jaw-droppingly so. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she did a little twirl in the mirror, before coming over to wrap an arm around my shoulder.

I watched the two of us in the mirror, my eyes watching her reflected ones.

I watched as she turned her head to the side, and kissed my hair, I felt her touch as she grabbed my hand, the feeling of it radiating through the rest of me.

‘Ready?’ She was looking at me intently, and I snapped my eyes away from the mirror, nodding as I did so.

Already, her fingers were intertwined with mine, and as we left the Tardis I knew that keeping my cool this evening was going to be very hard work. 

It was only a little Italian place round the corner from my flat, but it felt nice to be doing something normal. 

As we walked, the doctor took my hand in hers and I smiled a little, our hands swinging between us. 

‘Thanks, Yaz.’ She smiled as I held open the door, the two of us grateful for the warmth of the restaurant. 

I hadn’t been there in a long time, well before I knew anything of the doctor or aliens. It wasn’t that it had changed, more that I had, but it still felt different. 

‘You okay?’ Her voice was low and a little concerned as we sat down, but I nodded.

‘Things feel different.’ I looked up to smile at her and saw that there was a tint of blush on her cheeks and I wondered if she’d thought I meant something else. 

I didn’t know what I was going to say to her, nothing felt quite right, but soon the doctor started up a conversation again and things fell back into their normal flow. 

Her smile seemed to grow throughout the evening, as did mine, with it. 

As she looked down at her plate I snuck another glance at her, her blonde hair was tucked behind her ears, her fingers tucking it back there every now and then as it fell out when she started gesturing a little too wildly with her hands. 

She looked up from under her eyelashes at me, raising an eyebrow as if to dare me to explain what I was doing watching her. I gulped back a reply, and smiled, busying myself with the pizza that was lying, barely eaten, on my plate.

I could feel the warmth of both our legs under the table, the proximity of it and as I looked at my food I felt hers brush up against mine. 

My eyes glanced back towards her, not sure if that was intentional or not, but not daring to move in case it was. I was rooted to the spot and desperate to know what she was thinking.

Her leg was against mine again and the intimacy of it blew me away, scrambling any thoughts I might have had until the voice of a waiter next to the table disturbed my thoughts.

‘Would you like to see the dessert menu, ladies?’ The heat from her leg on mine disappeared, and I looked up to see her nodding excitedly. 

‘Yes, unless you have chocolate brownie. In which case we’ll have that,’ she winked at me, ‘two spoons.’ 

‘Chocolate brownie it is,’ the waiter laughed and stepped away.

‘Hey, I might have ordered something else, you know.’ I finally found my voice.

‘Yasmin Kahn, I know chocolate brownie is your favourite, there’s no way you would have ordered something else.’

I huffed a bit, but only playfully, she was right, though I wasn’t sure how. I couldn’t remember a time that I had explicitly told her, but that’s the thing about the doctor, she has a heart that’s too big for her own good, and is always eager to please, remembering anything you might have mentioned in passing and taking it as gospel.

‘Thanks.’ I said, the waiter handing each of us a spoon before putting the plate down on to the table. 

The smell was heavenly and I couldn’t help but groan as I took a mouthful, it dissolving in my my mouth in a chocolatey mess.

The doctor did the same, and I laughed at her enjoyment of it. 

‘Okay. This is the best. Do you think they’d give us one to take home?’ Her eyes span round the room, looking for the waiter again.

‘I’d concentrate if I were you or I might have eaten it all before you even get another bite.’ She rounded on the plate like that might actually be true, and I divided it in to two equal halves, which was met with a very grateful look from her. 

There was silence as we concentrated on the task at hand and it was only as it got to the end that she leaned back in her chair, hands on her stomach.

‘Alright, I’m stuffed.’ She tipped her head towards the sky and I wondered what it would be like to leave a trail of kisses right there, down her neck.

I closed my eyes for a second in an effort to get rid of that train of thought, but felt her hand on mine on the table successfully doing the opposite. 

‘You alright?’ She asked and I nodded, embarrassed at having been caught.

‘Come on, time for home.’ She smiled. 

As we left the restaurant I felt her hand reach for mine again, before she changed her mind and wrapped her arm around my waist. I sucked in a breath at her touch, before resting my head on her shoulder as we walked. 

I was too busy thinking about our evening to realise how much colder it had got, but she must have noticed, because after a few minutes she took off her coat, turning to face me and draping it over my shoulders, her hands holding the lapels for a few seconds, looking into my eyes, before wrapping her arm around me again, silently.

I was too dumbfounded to speak, and instead just snuggled my head into her shoulder by way of a thank you.


	6. The Beach

‘Yaz, Yaz.’ She poked her finger against my thigh and I squirmed, opening one eye against the sun. 

‘What, doctor?’ 

‘How long exactly do we have to sit here?’ I should’ve known that sunbathing was definitely not going to be her thing but I’d hoped that maybe she could relax a little bit, enjoy it. 

I rolled over on the towel, looking at her sat next to me, the sun was hot on my back and the lapping of waves was the only real noise, it was blissful. 

‘We don’t have to stay here,’ I smiled at the relief on her face, ‘what do you fancy instead?’

The beach was almost empty, with only a few people further down milling around by the shops and I could tell that she’d been having a good look. 

Today had been my choice of destination and I was loving it, the boys had disappeared off to go and explore, but the doctor stayed with me, as had become the norm, and we had spent the last half an hour lying here, chatting and dozing in the sun.

‘Fish and chips?’ She asked, a smile playing on her lips. 

It wasn’t long before I caved and agreed to leave my spot on the sand. It wasn’t as though there was any chance of me denying her something, the second she smiled my willpower disappeared, every time. 

She waved her hand out in front of her and helped me up, holding it as we walked over to the shop.

The sky was a beautiful blue and it was practically a perfect day, one of those unexpected nice days, early on in the Summer where nothing is too crowded and it’s pure luck that you decided to go to the beach then.

‘What do you fancy?’ I asked, queuing up, pulling my purse out of my bag. 

‘Fish fingers?’ She squinted against the sun at the menu, before deflating a little as she realised there obviously weren’t any fish fingers.

I raised an eyebrow but didn’t question it, knowing better than to apply any logic to the situation.

‘Just fish and chips then, I suppose.’ 

I nodded and paid for our order, happy to sit back down on the beach to eat them.

There was a little breeze and I couldn’t help but watch the doctor as she ate her food, chatting and looking out to sea. 

I’d never expected, when we met, that this could ever happen - not the alien stuff, in some respects, that was the most believable - but the friendship, the love that I now felt. She made me feel so at ease and she obviously cared about me, about all of us, even back then, even when we’d only just met.

‘Yaz - hello?’ She stole a chip off my plate and I couldn’t help but laugh, sticking my tongue out at her. 

‘Come on, I know what we’re going to do this afternoon,’ I stood up and beckoned for her to follow me, going round the back of the fish and chips hut and into the building behind.

It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the dinginess of it, and the first thing I could make out was the doctor’s smile. 

The noise was almost too much to be able to hold a conversation, the lights flashing from twenty different machines, bouncing around the room. 

I walked to the other side of the room, taking in the familiar feel of it, the afternoons that I’d spent here when I was on holiday as a kid. 

‘Thanks,’ I said, handing over a fiver and receiving a pile of 2p pieces in return. The doctor hung back a little, still watching everyone. 

Kids, their mouths sticky with sweets, littered every corner of the room, rolls of tickets clasped in one suncreamed hand as little pots of coins were held in the other.

I knew I was beaming, and as I crossed the room my walk was verging on a skip.

There were only two machines left, next to each other, and I put the coins on the top between them. 

‘This is the best.’ Her voice was loud, but not loud enough, and I had to get her to repeat herself a couple of times, each time her leaning in a little closer to me.

It was as though I could smell the sun on her skin, the warmth of it radiating across the space between us as I turned my head, bending over to get close enough that she would hear me.

‘I know, it’s one of my favourite places. Ever.’ She laughed and stopped to watch me for a second, my gaze shifting awkwardly under hers I started to put the coins into the machine, gradually my timing getting better as I watched the rows of prizes move further and further forward on their wave of coins. 

She started to do the same and soon it became a fight for the last few coins, her tongue sticking out a little in concentration as her hand moved blindly towards the pot, hoping to free the keyring which was teetering over the edge. 

Surprisingly quickly we were out of coins, roaming around the room in search of a new game. 

We each won a lollipop and moved on to the basketball game, getting competitive.

I felt her hand reach up and tickle my waist, cool against my skin where my top had ridden up, my arms held above my head as I went to shoot the last basket, her eyes glistening with mischief as she took the final ball off me, throwing it in an arc that bounced round the rim before falling in. 

She wrapped her arms round me, lifting me a little off the floor as she span round in victory, my laughter loud enough to be heard over the chaos around us. 

Outside, the sun was beginning to set and I reckoned we didn’t have much longer before the boys would be done, ready to move on to the next adventure.

She held her hand out to me in a high five, taking it as I hit hers, our fingers intertwining before she brought them down, holding my hand as we made a final lap of the arcade.

‘Had we better go and find out where the others have got to?’ I asked as we approached the exit again and she scrunched her nose up, as though I was ruining all the fun, and I half expected her to plead for just five more minutes. 

‘I suppose we better had.’ She rubbed her thumb over my hand, still in hers, and began to make her way towards the door before stopping suddenly.

My mind was too wrapped up at the sheer proximity of our hand holding and it was only because she spoke that I looked up and managed to stop from careering straight into the back of her. 

‘We didn’t go on this one?’ She pointed towards the prize grabber machine and I shook my head almost sombrely, at the glass box filled with little fluffy teddies.

‘It’s impossible, we were never allowed on it as kids, I’m surprised it’s still there.’ 

‘It can’t be impossible,’ her eyebrows furrowed a little as she looked at it, ‘we’ve got time to have a little go now, I’m sure… You might get lucky!’ 

I shook my head.

‘Not in a million years. I’m telling you, it’s rigged.’ She held out one of the last remaining coins from her pocket and I couldn’t help but smile conspiratorially as I put it in the machine.

My concentration grew and I felt my hands grow sweaty as I tried desperately to position the claw above by far the cutest purple teddy, feeling the doctor’s head resting on my shoulder from behind me as she gazed at the machine

I squeezed her hand in excitement as the claw grabbed at the teddy, lifting it a few inches of the ground, before it began to slip a little. 

I felt her hands grip a little round my waist and I put my hands down to rest on her arms, turning my head to look at her before smiling and looking back, sure I was going to see the game over.

Instead, I turned just in time to see the cuddly toy fall down the shoot. Her arms instantly withdrew from my waist and I turned to see her beaming, I grabbed the teddy, and then her hand before realising that she was already holding something else.

‘Doctor, did you just sonic the machine?’ A blush was on her cheeks before I’d even finished the sentence and I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

‘Absolutely not. I was just doing routine checks on… things and stuff.’ She grabbed my hand again and led the way out of the arcade. 

I opened my mouth to say something again but was cut off as she started to talk.

‘Ice cream?’ 

I giggled before clapping a hand to my mouth, watching as she went and got two 99s. She really was impossible, this woman, and it just made me fall for her even more.

We sat on the wall eating our ice creams, our legs dangling, occasionally rubbing up against each other as we watched the sun sink lower in the sky, the boys having told us they’d meet us at the Tardis in an hour. 

After we finished eating we continued to sit in silence, before I plucked up the courage to scoot a little closer to her, my head resting on her shoulder.

‘You really are too cute, you know that, don’t you?’ I stroked the fluffy toy that was still in my hands. My voice had been little more than a whisper against the lapping of the ocean, but I heard her reply clear as day.

‘And yet, still not as cute as your face when you won that toy.’ She dipped her head in a nod towards my lap where the toy lay.

I elbowed her lightly.

’Shuddup.’ I mumbled, more into her shoulder than anything else, as I returned to watching the waves in front of us, smiling, one of her hands wrapped in mine.


	7. Midnight Feast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, guys - can't believe how many people like these!! This one is a little smutty in the second half, just so you know.

I felt something next to me in the gloom and my eyes slowly opened, still sticky with sleep. 

‘Are you awake?’ It was the doctor’s voice, and I felt her hand on my shoulder. I groaned a little in agreement, hoping that this was something important. 

‘Ah, good. I was wondering… um, you hungry?’ 

‘What?’ It was the middle of the night, and as my eyes adjusted I could see that she was balanced on the ladder of the bunkbeds, her legs swinging as she turned to watch my reaction. I wasn’t sure how long she’d been there, but I could see her rubbing her legs where the rungs of the ladder had cut in.

‘Doctor, what time is it?’ She at least had the presence of mind to look a little sheepish. 

‘3am.’ 

‘And you woke me up… to check if I was hungry?’ I had come to realise very early on in my stay in the Tardis that the doctor slept very little, she always seemed to be up before everyone else, and I wondered whether she was ever able to switch off, relax. 

‘Well, sometimes people wake up feeling hungry and I just wondered, I mean, I thought, I mean…’ I sat up in the bunk, my head narrowly missing the wood of her bed above me. Something was definitely wrong, but in my half-asleep state I wasn’t quite sure what it was.

I rubbed at my face in an effort to wake myself up a bit, catching her smile at me as I did so. 

‘What did you have in mind?’ I smiled, swinging my feet over the edge of the bunk and into my slippers.

‘Ice cream sundae?’ She really did look lost, and I stood up, taking her hand as we crept to the other side of the room, desperate not to wake Graham and Ryan next door. 

She put her finger to her lips and I followed her along the corridor, my slippers muffling the sound of my feet as I went. 

It always amazed me how she knew her way around this place, for me it seemed to be an ever-changing labyrinth and sometimes I forgot that this was actually her home, where she’d been for longer than I could imagine. 

She stopped outside the third kitchen we came to, opening the door and letting me go through first. 

The room was cold, and one wall was obscured almost entirely by freezers. 

I wrapped my arms around myself in an effort to keep warm, my vest top definitely not enough and she held up a finger, darting out of the room and coming back moments later with a desperately soft blanket that she wrapped around my shoulders. 

I didn’t bring it up, but I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking about when she woke me up. It wasn’t that she looked sad so much as lost, which must have been worse. It was as if she wanted to be able to just completely shut off, not think at all, and I wondered if that was what she had been doing by waking me: distracting herself from something she couldn’t face. 

She walked over to the counter and took out two bowls, before heading to the freezer and opening it. Inside, rather than drawers, was an ice cream dispenser not dissimilar to the one you’d find in Pizza Hut and she started to build a tower of the white gloop in each bowl, eyeing it up like an architect. 

I watched from my seat across the room, the blanket wrapped tight around me, until she set both bowls down, shooing me out of the way to get to a drawer under the counter which I had been leaning on. 

From there she pulled out a tin, the same size as a shoebox, and turned to me. 

‘You definitely can’t tell anyone about this.’ She looked at me seriously, and I crossed my heart, watching a smile grow on her lips as she opened the box to reveal a substantial stash of chocolate, biscuits and sweets. She could probably have stocked the local corner shop for weeks. 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the intensity with which she was putting together these sundaes, selecting a few sweets from several packets and artfully dotting them around on top. It was like she was studying for an exam or preparing supplies for a nuclear bunker. 

I watched as she shot a fake glare my way and stuck my tongue out in return. 

She looked over at me for a second, as though sizing me up, before adding a few more strawberry laces to the bowl which she then pushed towards me. 

I pulled out the drawer again, where I had seen spoons earlier and took two out, ready to hand one to her. 

‘Come on,’ I said quietly, picking up my bowl and motioning for her to follow me back to the bedroom. Whatever it was that was upsetting her, I wanted to help, but it was clear that at the moment she would rather just avoid it, and I understood that, too. 

I sat down on the bed cross legged, and motioned for her to come with me, the both of us sitting opposite each other. 

I looked down at the bowl in front of me, both spoons still in my hand. There was no way this was a regular occurrence for her, because that bowl probably had enough calories for a good three days - not that that was going to put me off. 

‘Just a standard night in?’ I joked, looking her up and down, it wasn’t that I was checking her out, but seriously, she had a great figure and she was eating something like this. The world is an unfair place. 

In response, she rolled her eyes, lunging at the spoons in my hand, but missing as I brought them out of the way. 

‘If you’re not going to take this seriously…’ She made a grab for my bowl but my reflexes were fast and she missed, sitting back down as I laughed before licking the ice cream that she’d spilled over her hands. 

’No worries.’ She smiled, ‘didn’t need a spoon anyway…’ and proceeded to lick at the ice cream straight from the bowl. 

‘You can go off people, you know…’ I laughed, waving a spoon at her insistently and watching as she lapped up more of the ice cream before taking it, grinning. 

I was glad to see that smile, the one that melted my heart, but I struggled to smile with her, knowing that something was obviously on her mind. 

I tucked into the ice cream properly, the strawberry sauce dripping down a mountain of vanilla-y goodness and I let out an audible moan as I stuffed it into my mouth. Blushing as she raised an eyebrow, her eyes locking with mine. 

‘You know,’ I started, swallowing yet more sugar, ‘you can talk to me about anything, if you want?’ 

She shook her head the tiniest bit, as though there was no way I would understand what was going on in her mind. 

‘Doctor, what is it?’ I asked, setting my bowl on to the floor beside me as I went over to be by her side. 

I took her bowl from her hands, which were barely even gripping it, and put it on the floor. Watching as a blush spread on her cheeks, her eyes still watching her lap.

Nothing could have been worse than watching her first tear begin to fall and my heart swelled with love. I had known for a little while that I was more than friendly with her, but it wasn’t until now that I realised just how much of my heart belonged to her.

I brought a finger up under her chin and nudged her head up so she turned to face me. 

‘What is it?’ My voice was soft and she put a hand over mine, still resting on her neck.

‘I’ve lived so long, Yaz. Lost so much. I…’ Her voice cracked and I moved in to hug her.

‘Sometimes, when you’re all asleep, it feels like I’m alone again.’ She gulped.

‘Yaz, I just can’t lose you. I woke you up because I needed to know you were still there.’ Tears hung in her eyes and I felt them begin to drip from my face, too.

My throat was choked and I struggled to get the words out, to tell her that I was never leaving her, to let her know that I couldn’t lose her either, that if I ever did it would break me into more pieces than I could imagine and that I already knew that if it ever happened, I’d never be whole again.

I took a deep breath, looking into her eyes as I put one hand back on her waist, the other grazing her cheek as I leaned in, kissing her with all the words I couldn’t say. 

Her hand moved up to the back of my neck, desperately pulling me closer to her and I felt the tears on our faces, both of our sadness and happines, mingled together. My heart felt like it might explode and I pulled away, panting, my forehead still resting on hers.

‘Yaz…’ Her voice was little more than a sigh and I kissed her again, smiling against her lips as she kissed me back. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of her lips on mine, how completely right it felt. It was as if, in this moment, we knew exactly what the other needed and I wondered where she’d been all my life. 

She littered a trail of kisses down my neck and I couldn’t help but tilt my head back, sighing as she continued to kiss down my jawbone.

My hands came to rest on her hips as she kissed me again, and I tentatively moved one up, under her shirt, before doing the same with the other. Her skin was cool to the touch and I held her tightly, as though there was a chance that she would disappear if I wasn’t concentrating. It was like a dream, the spell only broken when she leaned back, opening her mouth to speak.

My eyes were wide before she started talking, desperate for her not to say anything that would ruin this.

‘Yaz, I really like you. Like, I really like you.’ She looked at me meaningfully, before bringing her arm up to scratch her back, her eyes darting to the floor before she spoke again.

‘I mean, do you…’ She hadn’t even finished the sentence before I was smiling, a sense of relief flowing over me.

‘Doctor, you’re the best person I’ve ever met. I…’ I paused, not wanting to make a fool of myself but knowing what needed to be said, and when I looked up, her eyes were on me again.  
‘Doc, I love you.’ The distance between us was closed within seconds as she grasped the front of my shirt, pulling me to her and kissing me again.

With her knees on either side of me she leant down, lowering me onto the bed. I could feel my heart beating in my ears, my hands with a mind of their own under her shirt again.

She sat upright, her weight on me, and I couldn’t help but giggle as she bumped her head on the bunk above, my laughter turning into silence as she crossed her arms in front of herself and pulled her shirt off over her head before turning her attention to the buttons of mine, undoing them tantalisingly slowly as I struggled to stay still under her touch, her fingers brushing my breasts as she worked her way down. 

My breath was caught in my throat and I chewed at my lip as she rested her elbows either side of my head, gently lowering herself down to kiss me again as I brought my hands up behind her, undoing the clasp of her bra and letting it fall, throwing it down on the floor beside us.

She was stunning, and it took my breath away in the most literal sense. I pulled her closer to me, loving the proximity of it and felt her hands reach up under my shirt, her skin soft as she touched me. 

I could feel the heat radiating off her hands and it sent shivers down my spine as she pulled my shirt up, trailing kisses down my stomach as her hand reached for my breast.

I tipped my head back, my hands in her hair. 

I couldn’t take it any more and I pushed myself up on my elbows, my legs curling round her as we rolled over, the smile on her face growing, and I felt myself weaken as I looked at her lying below me. 

I started with a trail of kisses down her neck, my hands intertwined with hers against the bed as I deepened the kiss, hoping that she’d have a scarf somewhere that she could wear tomorrow. 

Her mouth opened as she began to moan and I swallowed the noise with a kiss, her back arching as she brought herself closer to me. 

I let go of her hands and undid the clasp of her trousers, smiling wickedly as she lifted her hips, allowing my to pull them off. 

She was naked below me and I faltered for a second as I took in the sheer beauty of her, her legs lithe and muscular, I ran a hand across her thigh slowly, watching her watch me. 

It seemed madness that we had ended up here and I reached once more for her face, tucking some lose hair behind her ear and kissing her on the nose. 

She couldn’t keep my gaze and I watched her eyes roam over my body, her cheeks tinted pink from exertion. 

Slowly, I moved further down the bed, kissing the places on her thigh where my hand had been moments previously before looking back up to her eyes, holding one of her hands with mine as my lips met with hers and I slipped my fingers inside her. 

She rose to my touch and I kissed her harder, watching as her free hand grabbed at the pillow behind her head.

Her breathing was heavy, and her eyes closed as I moved my mouth to her shoulder, my hand working circles on her, quickening as her breathing grew more laboured. 

Her back arched as I pushed on her, my mouth covering her breast as I licked at her nipple. 

I could feel her hands in my hair, directing me, and I heard her moan my name. 

It was like we were the only things left in the universe and as I felt her tighten round my hand my mouth trailed all the way back up to her face, kissing her cheek as I rested my body on top of hers, the two of us a tangle of legs and hands. 

‘Yaz, I love you.’ Her voice was tiny in the empty room, and I nuzzled closer to her.

‘I love you too, always.’ I replied, wrapping my arm tighter round her. 

I felt her hand playing with my hair again and I wrapped the duvet over us.

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ I whispered.


	8. Escape

I kept my eyes closed, trying to work out whether the pounding noise I could hear was inside my head or not. 

Nothing made sense, the floor was cold, like stone, beneath me, but I couldn’t remember how I got there. I stretched my limbs out gently, testing them, and felt something wet on my hands, like blood.

Opening my eyes, I squinted against the light, my vision blurry, and it all came back to me. 

The chase, being caught, the doctor screaming my name, the doctor… I sat up sharply, my head beginning to spin, and I held my hands up to my eyes, trying to steady myself.

It was almost dark but I could make out bars in front of me, like a cell, and an opening on the other side of the room. There wasn’t another soul in sight and I crawled towards the door, my hands stinging against the stone floor, my eyes stinging with tears. 

I put one hand on the bars, trying to look for any sign of weakness, my other feeling for the necklace the doc had given me, wishing she was with me.

There was no way of knowing how long I’d been out of it for, but from what I could see through the doorway it was almost night.

I knew that there was no way the doctor would have left without me, I was sure of it, but if she hadn’t found me already… the only reason she wouldn’t be here was if she couldn’t be. If something had happened.

This morning seemed forever ago, arriving here, splitting up to look around. My head was fuzzy and I still couldn’t work out what had happened, who it was we’d been running from, I couldn’t even remember seeing the face of the attacker before I was knocked unconscious.

I shuddered against the cold and retreated back to the corner I had been in when I woke up - the last thing I needed was for someone to come in and realise I was awake.

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes again it was light and I could see a figure silhouetted against the wall, entering the cave.

I pushed myself further still against the wall, I could feel it digging into my back and I kept the docs necklace in my hand, whispering, praying she would find me. The footsteps and voices were quiet but they still echoed off the walls, magnified and distorted. 

The figures paused for a second, and I crouched on the balls of my feet, ready to fight back the second they came nearer.

They stayed still, whispering, but the ringing in my head stopping me from being able to make out what was being said, until I saw them all look in my direction.

‘Yaz!’ The voice was a shout and it was the doctor’s, I fell against the bars, my body weak with relief and watched as she ran towards me, the boys behind her.

Her hands came to my sides, through the bars, supporting me whilst I regained my balance before she put her hands on my cheeks, concern in her eyes as she wiped away a tear.

‘Oh Yaz. Yaz, I’ve been so worried. Oh my God.’ I saw a tear slip down her cheek too as she rested her forehead against mine.

Her arms reached round me, hugging me as she kissed my hair. 

She stepped back, wiping her tears on her sleeve before scanning me with the sonic.

‘You’ll be fine, it’s okay.’ I wasn’t sure if she was saying it for my benefit or hers but I nodded, taking Ryan’s hand that he held out to me.

‘I’m so sorry, Yaz.’ His voice cut across the doctor, who was stood at the cell door, working on it with the sonic.

‘I can’t believe they got you, we were right behind you. Yaz, the doctor, she’s been distraught. We all were.’ I nodded, not sure I had it in me to speak, and watched as the doctor undid the door, running through and beckoning me over to her.

My limbs were heavy from lack of use and I didn’t have the energy to stay standing, collapsing into her arms.

‘It’s alright, Yaz. I’ve got you.’ I watched as she kissed my cheek, smiling my thanks as I reached behind her, grasping a fistful of the fabric of her coat as she picked me up, almost effortlessly, and made towards the door.

I don’t remember much of how we got back to the Tardis, but I remember the look of determination on her face, her pushing Graham and Ryan in front of her, seeing the cave collapse in on itself behind us as she ran, whispering to me, holding me.

I woke with a jolt, my heart tattooing a beat on my chest. 

‘Doctor?’ I called out, my voice cutting through the silence.

‘It’s alright, I’m here.’ And she was, she was there in an instant, having been sat next to the bed, waiting for me to wake.

‘You’re okay, you’re in the Tardis. Safe.’ She switched on the light and I could see the bags under her eyes, the worry and concern.

I beckoned her over, before deciding to lift up the duvet, watching as she hesitated before getting in next to me, wrapping an arm around me. It felt good to have her beside me and I relaxed into her embrace. 

‘I’m so sorry, Yaz.’ She whispered into my hair.

‘Don’t be.’ 

‘I should never have put you in danger.’ 

‘You saved me, doctor.’ I pulled back to look at her, wiping a tear off her cheek with my thumb.

Suddenly it felt too intimate and I pulled my hand back, surprised at how much I wanted to be close to her. 

‘Yaz?’ Her voice was low, full of an emotion I couldn’t place, and I kept her gaze, seeing the question in her eyes and nodding to her, watching as she moved in closer, her lips warm against mine. I could taste the salt of her tears and the sweetness of custard creams and I startled as she pulled away, quickly, running her hand through her hair.

‘Yaz. I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry. I mean…’ She made a move to get out of the bed and I caught her eye, slowly pulling her back to me, kissing her again.


	9. Trust me?

The Tardis jolted under my feet, the four of us holding on to the lever to steady ourselves.

It hadn’t been a spur of the moment decision to come with the doctor, somehow I was sure that my adventures with her were only at their beginning, and I knew that the others felt the same way.

I caught the docs eye as we stood there and couldn’t help but look down at my feet. I had definitely meant it, I was sure I wanted to be here, but my mind kept running over what my mum had said earlier.

It was one of those moments where I was just desperate for the ground to swallow me up. 

/I don’t think so, are we?/ Her words echoed around my mind, but my response had been out of my mouth before I could even think about it - as if I would have had that conversation with her whilst my mum was stood right there, anyway.

My fingers ran across the console of the Tardis, only half listening as the boys asked if they could go and explore. This whole ship was amazing, but in the most insane way. There was so much to learn about it I sometimes wondered whether you actually had to step outside of it’s doors to find adventures. 

‘Yaz?’ The doctor’s voice cut through my daydream and I looked up to her, fixing a smile on my face.

‘Yep.’ My voice was light but I brought my eyes back down to the disk of buttons in front of me, watching as it span. 

It wasn’t that I wanted her to think I wasn’t interested, or even that I wanted her to think I was. I just had no idea what I was thinking, and given everything that had gone on lately I hadn’t really had time to figure it out. 

‘You okay?’ She asked, a hand in front of my face. I wasn’t sure if this was the first thing she’d asked, or if it was just the first that I’d heard.

I nodded quickly.

‘Tired.’ She smiled, and I felt my stomach tighten. It wasn’t an outright lie, because I was tired. But it definitely wasn’t the reason that I didn’t want to talk.

‘Bedroom is through there.’ I could tell she still wasn’t at ease, but I needed some time alone to think things through before I even mentioned it to her - and that was assuming that she’d even thought it something worth remembering, what if it hadn’t even crossed her mind since?

I fell onto the bed before kicking my shoes off, the thump of them hitting the floor echoing slightly. The room was mostly white, and clean, uncluttered.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

It was fair to say that I had never felt about anyone how I felt about the doctor, being near her made my heart race, it made me lose my train of thought, and it made me fierce. It made me want to protect her, to be by her side even when I knew things looked futile. 

I’d had a few boyfriends back home, none of them lasting for too long and several of them only actually existing as a way for me to stop my mum from asking too many awkward questions. I knew she meant well, but dating had just never been my thing. I’d never felt that connection to someone, never wanted someone badly enough to fight for them.

But here I was, leaving my family and travelling across the universe with a woman I’d known only days.

The thought of it made my head hurt, but nothing had ever felt more right.

When I opened my eyes again it must have been a few hours later, the door to the bedroom had been closed, the light turned off, but there was still a glow coming in from a crack under the sill of the door. 

I would have happily stayed still but I was desperate to go to the toilet and as much as I fought it there was no way I could get back to sleep now.

I slipped back on the shoes, treading lightly as I crossed the room.

It didn’t take me long to find a room marked bathroom but, as I went to open the door I felt someone turn the handle from the other side. Mentally, I cursed my bladder and hoped that it was one of the boys. 

The door opened to reveal the doctor, one hand running through her hair as the other opened the door and I wondered whether the feeling of my heart being about to burst through my chest was normal.

She wore red pyjamas, a buttoned up top and trousers, and my eyes scanned down her figure like a reflex. 

‘Yaz, hey.’ She sounded tired, as though she was about to yawn, and I could see the beginnings of bags under her eyes.

‘Hey.’ I whispered before repeating myself, trying to master the art of talking in front of her. But it was no use, I knew I had to have this talk with her, set things straight before they became awkward - whatever outcome that would mean. 

‘About earlier, when my mum, saying we were together…’ I paused and shoved my hands deeper in my pockets, trying to keep them from shaking. 

‘I don’t know if… I mean… I just didn’t want things to be awkward.’ I arched an eyebrow in her direction, focusing hard on refraining from trying to get another look at her outfit.

In the corner of my eye I saw her bring her hands up, fiddling with the hem of the shirt.

‘I wasn’t sure if you were…’ She raised an eyebrow awkwardly.

‘I mean, are you?’ She fixed me with a stare and I wondered if that meant she was interested. I fumbled again for my words, wondering how it was that I could interview hardened criminals and feel at ease but talking to this woman made me a blubbering mess. 

‘I… to be honest doc… I don’t know.’ 

The silence that followed was deafening as I tried desperately not to catch her eye, not really wanting to know what she was thinking.

‘Trust me?’ She asked, and I looked at the woman before me, the woman to whom I had entrusted my life, and I nodded. 

She nodded, still watching me, and then paused before biting her lip.

I watched as she put her hands on my waist, stepping closer. I stood, still as a statue, as she tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and I gulped as she pressed her lips to mine, slowly, meaningfully.

‘Do you know now?’ Her voice was soft against my ear and I swallowed again, wondering if anyone in the history of eternity had ever felt like this.

I turned my head toward her and brought one shaking hand up to her shoulder, bringing her closer to me as I kissed her, suddenly overcome with how right this felt.


	10. Bedtime Story

The covers were warm and I couldn’t help but snuggle closer to her, my arm resting on the flat of her stomach as we lie there.

‘You still awake?’ She whispered, and though I couldn’t see her through the dark I could almost hear the smile in her voice, how much she loved not being by herself.

‘Yeah. You?’ I asked, playfully, squirming as she poked me in the ribs before turning over to face me.

‘Can’t sleep?’ I shook my head in the gloom and wondered whether she could make it out from there.

‘No.’ I whispered, feeling the tickle of her hand against my neck, and then the warmth of a kiss on my forehead.

‘Do you want a bedtime story?’ I opened my mouth to tell her that I was a little old for a bedtime story, but relented before I’d even spoke. That was the thing about being in love with the doctor, there was always so much more to know about her that I loved hearing her talk, about anything. Just to learn a little bit about everything she’d done, everywhere she’d been.

‘Sure…’ I wrapped an arm round her again and kissed her cheek as she put her arm behind my head, me watching her eyebrows furrow as she looked at the ceiling, deciding on a good one.

‘When I was little, my granny used to tell me a story when I couldn’t sleep. Granny 5.’ She said, turning to me as though this was the sort of information that was very important to the story. I nodded against her shoulder.

‘Once upon a time, long before the creation of everything, the universe was big and beautiful and magical and broken. Nothing in it made sense, no physics, no maths. Something was wrong and much as everything tried to fit together, it just didn’t. It was like a puzzle, but much as you tried to jam the last piece in, it just wouldn’t fit…’ 

She rolled over to face me, her hand coming to rest on my back.

‘In time, the universe realised what was going on. It could see all the pieces that fitted together and isolate the one that didn’t, and that one was given a name. The Solitract.’ 

She spoke with a reverence that was rare for her, for someone who’d seen so much there was little left to excite her, but the Solitract definitely fell into that category.

‘So what happened?’ I pulled her closer, breaking her away from her thoughts.

‘The universe got rid of it. The Solitract was banished, sent somewhere where it couldn’t cause any harm. Somewhere alone.’

I bit at my lip, I don’t know why, but I had kind of expected a slightly more relaxing story, rather than one about an alien who was banished just for being the wrong kind.

‘Is it real… or just a story?

‘All stories are real, I suppose’ She looked into my eyes, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear absentmindedly.

‘Stories are where memories go when they’re forgotten.’

I realised then that it wasn’t so much that she looked up to the Solitract as understood it, separated from everyone that it wanted to be with, making a different voyage of its own and doing something that none of its kind had done before… stealing a Tardis and running away.

I planted a kiss on the tip of her nose. 

‘Thank you.’ I whispered, pulling her closer. 

‘Sleep tight, Yaz.’ Her hands began to fiddle with my hair and I drew circles on her side with my fingers, content in knowing that she knew I was there for her if she wanted me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much :D Can't believe we're nearly at 2k?! Sorry for not posting yesterday, I only remembered when I was already half asleep! :')


	11. Milkshake (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this is one of 3 of these, otherwise, it's like a 5K chapter... ;)

I wiggled my toes in my socks, my legs pressed against the wall and all the blood rushing to my head. 

The Tardis was really warm, to the point that I’d given up and was now just wearing a slouchy shirt and not a lot else.

‘Doctor?’ I called out, not sure where she’d got to. When we had woken up she said she was going to go and check on Graham and Ryan and find out why the heating had suddenly gone into overdrive, but that felt like ages ago. 

I tipped my head back off the edge of the bed, looking towards the door.

‘Doc? You alright?’ I’d go and see where she’d got to in a minute, but in this heat everything felt like too much effort.

‘Just coming…’ She called, pushing the door open a few moments later. 

She carried with her two very big chocolate milkshakes, condensation already dripping down the sides. 

‘You’re the best.’ I smiled, turning myself right side up again and taking one from her hands. 

We sat against the wall where my feet had been, our legs now dangling off the edge, playfully fighting one another for space before stopping, our legs wrapped round each other. 

I could already feel the cold milkshake seeping down into every part of me, it was perfect and I smiled as the doctor rested her head on my shoulder, slurping noisily.

‘What are the boys up to?’ I asked, a little selfishly. Wondering if they too had been offered milkshake.

‘They wanted to go out, I said I had to wait a couple of hours for the temperature to regulate before I could fly the Tardis anywhere else.’ I felt her shoulders press into mine in a shrug, ‘they’ll be back later.’ She added, as if worried that I might feel left out from whatever little adventure they were having - fortunately, it was quite the reverse.

We sat in silence as we cooled down, the Tardis still tropical but the milkshake freezing cold against our hands. 

Once we finished I snuggled down a bit, my head, now in the doctor’s lap, feeling a little fuzzy from all the sugar.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go and explore with the boys, but it felt like it had been ages since I’d just sat and done nothing and whilst there was a vague sense of being boiled, it was nonetheless nice to be doing it with the doctor for company. 

‘What do you want to do?’ She asked after a few minutes, and I laughed at how impatient she was, so eager to move on to the next thing. 

‘I don’t know.’ I sat up to face her and crossed my legs, pulling my hair up off the back of my neck in an effort to keep cool. 

I reached over and grabbed a hairband off the bedside table, beginning to pull my hair back into a plait before I realised that the doctor was still watching me.

‘What?’ I asked, holding the plait in one hand and rubbing at my face with the other, really hoping that I hadn’t just been sat here with chocolate milkshake all round my mouth. 

‘I was just watching…’ She nodded towards the plait, and I continued, slowly now, watching as the smile grew on her face.

When I got to the end, I shook it all out, aware that I looked like a sheepdog after a bath. 

‘Do you want a go?’ I grinned at her, watching as she scrunched up her nose.

‘Not sure it’s really my thing…’ 

‘You never know, you might grow that hair one day,’ I ran a hand through her hair, knowing that really she definitely wanted a go.

‘Come on,’ I scooched across the bed so that I was in front of her, and put my hands on her knees as she put her legs either side of me. 

I felt her head on my shoulder from behind me.

‘Er. How do I start?’ 

I pulled three sections of hair up, her hands on top of mine as we worked our way down the plait.

I was sure that the Tardis was cooling down, but it did nothing to quell the heat that I felt every time she brushed a hand against my neck.

‘Ready to give it a go yourself?’ I asked when we got to the bottom, already undoing it.

‘Yep.’ She was quiet for a second and I could picture the concentration on her face. It took a lot of self restraint not to turn round. I loved the face that she made when she was concentrating, but I kept still as a statue, shivering every now and then as she rested a hand against me. 

‘Done.’ She called out after what felt like ages, I reached a hand up and gently prodded at the somewhat lumpy plait I now had, before tipping my head back to look at her. 

She’d scrunched up her lips, her eyebrows a little raised, waiting for my approval.

‘Looks great, doc.’ The smile lit up her face like a Christmas tree and even though it was far too hot I felt her bring her arms round my waist. 

‘My turn now,’ She said, more into my shoulder than anything else.

‘Go on then.’ She came round in front of me and I pulled up my shirt a little, tying it in a knot out of the way. 

She was still wearing her signature outfit, the only sign that anything was amiss was the fact that she had the trousers rolled up to the length of shorts and the long sleeves pushed up as far as they would go.

I ran a hand through her hair, smiling as she pressed her head into my hand, enjoying the feeling. 

‘Seriously, I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have short hair…’ She laughed, wriggling as I pulled up a section of hair just next to her left ear. 

‘Oi, stay still you…’ I prodded her side, she was like a wriggling child.

I wrapped my legs around her waist, holding her still and tried my best to ignore the fact that she was fiddling with my socks as I worked, pulling three strands of hair from either side of her head plaiting them to join at the back.

‘Done.’ It was a messy job, but it was done quickly because I wasn’t sure how much longer she’d stay still for.

She reached her hands up and felt for it.

‘That’s awesome,’ She smiled, and I released my grip on her waist, bringing my knees up either side of her. 

She reached a hand under my leg and began to tickle me and before I knew it we were rolling around on the bed, laughter bubbling up between us. 

‘Seriously doc, stop it…’ I made a vague attempt to keep a straight face and poked at her again, coming to rest lying beside to her.

I turned my head to face her and smiled as she stuck her tongue out, the doctor: older than the rest of us put together and still far more immature. 

I felt her hand wriggle somewhere down near mine and grabbed it, holding it up like a trophy as she protested.

‘I wasn’t even going to tickle you though!’ I raised an eyebrow as she pouted and wondered how we’d ended up here, friends for barely any time at all and still so comfortable around each other, I couldn’t help but smile again, I really was so grateful for having met her. 

I realised our hands were still linked and rubbed my thumb over hers, placing them gently down between us as I looked over to her, her eyes still on me.


	12. Milkshake (2)

‘You okay?’ My voice sounded funny and I cleared my throat, looking away. 

She nodded and we both turned to look at the ceiling, our hands still together.

I turned to face her, a smile already playing on my lips.

‘What’s your favourite colour?’ She raised an eyebrow but kept looking at the ceiling. 

‘Blue. You?’ 

‘Red. Swimming pool or the sea?’

‘Pool, not a big fan of jellyfish, you just wait till you see them after the mutation.’ She scrunched up her nose and turned to face me, taking my hand again as she looked at me.

‘Winter or Summer?’ She asked, watching me before bringing our hands up and looking at them, as though examining them. 

‘Winter, I love Christmas.’ She nodded.

‘City or countryside?’ I asked, smiling as she rolled back on to her back, thinking. 

‘Countryside, I love a good field.’ I watched as her arm moved down from behind her head, lifting my head as she wrapped it round me. 

‘Why all the questions?’ She asked, her eyes flicking over to me. 

I snuggled a little bit closer to her, enjoying the feeling of her arm around me and the smell of vanilla that I seemed to now only associate with the doctor.

‘No reason…’ Even to me my voice sounded fake and I tried to distract her by wrapping an arm round her waist. It obviously didn’t work.

‘Yasmin Khan, you absolute fibber.’ 

I felt her fingers tracing circles on my shoulder.

‘Spill.’ She prodded me lightly and I squirmed, and even though we both knew that it was only an excuse for me to snuggle closer to her I saw her smile.

‘I just wanted to get to know you a bit…’ 

‘We’ve been living together for the best part of a month…’ 

‘Yeah,’ I interrupted her, ‘but the only real time I learn about you is when something terrible happens and I think I’m going to lose you.’

The silence in the room seemed massive and I wished it would swallow me up.

She rolled back over to look at me, sandwiching me in a hug with her spare hand.

‘Hey,’ her voice was little more than a whisper, and I looked down at our legs, now tangled.

I felt a finger on my chin, pulling my gaze back up to hers. 

‘I’m not going anywhere, okay? Not without you…’ She smiled, almost embarrassed, and I looked at her, the doctor who in some ways I felt I could read so well, but who was always surprising me.

‘I…’ almost as soon as I spoke there was a knock on the door and Ryan’s voice filled the room.

‘Yaz? Doctor? You’re never going to guess what we found…’ For a second an emotion flashed across the doctor’s face, and at a guess, I would have said it was anger. But almost as soon as it had come it went, her normal smile replacing it as she put a hand on my cheek and smiled.

‘What?’ She called back.

‘We’re just coming,’ she added, stepping off the bed and holding a hand out to me.

As we got to the door she turned to me.

Her face contorted into a grimace, as though she was apologising for us being interrupted, but I smiled and shrugged it off, as though it wasn’t a problem when in reality the only thing I wanted to do was be curled up with her again.


	13. Milkshake (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a terrible person who tells you it's three parts and then doesn't post the last part. If you're still sticking with me, thanks! Enjoy this one :')

As we walked out of the room I felt her hand hold slip in to mine, squeezing it lightly before letting it drop as we turned the corner to the main console room. 

Ryan was already talking to us, tales of boats and pirates and all sorts of fanciful things that I didn’t really tune in to.

I was good at knowing when to nod, making sure people thought they were being listened to when actually the information you were taking from them was something completely different to what they were saying.

The doctor was stood in front of me and though I could see her waving her arms, asking questions, being interested, I still caught her looking back at me, heard the pauses, just a moment too long, when she was trying to remember what she needed to say.

I felt like an outsider in that room, listening to Graham tell us what they’d seen, but not because no one was involving me, but because I was so desperate to be somewhere else that a part of me was already pretending I was. 

I wiggled my fingers, now in my pockets, and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, the memory of the doctor’s hand in mine earlier, how relaxed we’d been.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen the doctor like that, calm and present in a way that was so unusual for her. Sometimes it felt like she couldn’t sit still, all of the energy from her thoughts just spilling out into her actions, but when she’d spoken earlier, when she’d made me feel that I wasn’t just a friend, that I was something more… it was like it had been the only thing on her mind. Something so important that, for a change, it had blocked out the rest.

‘So, Yaz? You coming back with us?’ I shook my head free of the thought and did my best to hide my grin as well.

‘Yeah, sure.’ I answered Ryan, looking towards the doctor for confirmation even though I knew she would already have agreed and sure enough there she was, jacket back on, ready for the next adventure.

‘Lead the way.’ She called out and once I’d closed the Tardis door I could already see her in front, sonic out. 

The general gist was that, whilst on a walk, Graham and Ryan had happened to stumble across a group of men dressed as pirates, plotting some heist and talking about a curse that had befallen them. It was weird enough to pique Ryan’s interest, and he’d come running back to the doc wanting to investigate it. 

I rolled my eyes as he started a pirate impression, Graham giving me a look of contempt. I had a sneaky suspicion that actually that gag had already happened a couple of times this morning.

The sun was low in the sky as we came across the sea and rather than it looking like it was reflected in the water it was as though it was a continuation of it. One long stream of land, sea and sky.

The colours were magnificent and for a moment, nobody moved. 

‘Alright, let’s split up. Graham, Ryan - go and see if you can find them where you were before. Yaz and I will look around here.’

Her gaze turned to me and I nodded in a way that I hoped came across as confident. 

I watched as the boys disappeared, bickering amongst themselves, and when I turned back to the sunset it had changed again and I watched it as the doctor came closer.

‘What do you think Ryan saw?’ I asked, my gaze still not on her.

‘No idea, but it doesn’t sound too pressing. Listen, can we talk?’ I flicked my eyes over and could already see the concern painted in her gaze staring back at me. 

It wasn’t that I wasn’t good about talking about how I felt, I just wasn’t used to doing it. Particularly when it was important. 

I nodded a little, wondering where to go from here. She had one eye squinted against the sun, and her hair was still damp from her shower earlier. Everything about her screamed beauty, and it was enough for me to want to look away, not sure how to compose myself.

Her hand caught mine from where it was swinging by my side and we fell into step together, walking along the edge of the forest, the water lapping at the shore’s edge on our other side.  
‘I meant it, earlier’ She said, her voice low, ‘Yaz, I’ve got no intention of going anywhere without you.’

‘Doc…’ I started, but my voice sounded whiney and I stopped before I could get any further, standing still as I looked back out at the water.

‘Doctor,’ I tried again, ‘it’s not that I think you’re going to ditch me somewhere… I just, I can’t keep you safe as well as you do me, I can’t make sure that nothing bad ever happens to you because half the time I’m playing catch up, waiting for you to explain. Doctor, I want to be there for you as much as you are for me. More. I want…’ 

I opened my mouth again but the words just wouldn’t come out, I didn’t know how to tell her, how to make sure she knew that this wasn’t about friendship. That this was something way bigger than that and that it was completely new and scary and exciting and that I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. 

And part of me didn’t want to, didn’t want to hear her say anything that would ruin that, anything that would confirm to me that she would only ever view me as a friend. 

The hope of not knowing was enough to keep going, treading the tightrope of friendship, but, the weight of the answer could crush me. 

‘Yaz, are you saying…’ My cheeks flamed, and I didn’t dare look up, knowing that my silence would be confirmation enough for her. 

I couldn’t take it any longer and I took a step away, towards the trees, scuffing my shoe against the ground.

‘I didn’t mean for that to sound like that. I just, feel a lot for you.’ As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them, they sounded ridiculous and I wished I could swallow them back up.   
Instead, I felt her hands on my arms and I chanced a look at her eyes, wishing that she would speak, say something.

‘I won’t mention it again, it’s just hard sometimes, and earlier… I mean…’ The words flew out of my mouth, trying to make things better but instead digging myself into an even bigger hole. I took a step back again and came into contact with the tree behind me, and still she said nothing.

I watched as she bit her lip, her eyes on me and I blinked, waiting for the next move. What that would mean, whether she’d mention this to the boys, whether we were still going to be friends.

I gulped back the lump that was beginning to rise in my throat and wondered how we had got here from this morning, how my big mouth had landed me in trouble yet again.

‘Yaz…’ Her voice was quiet and she put a hand on the tree beside my head, the other coming to rest on my neck as she directed my gaze towards her. 

‘Do you really feel that way?’ Her voice was raw with emotion and there was little I could do but nod my head, not even trusting myself to speak.

In a breath her lips were on mine, my hands finding their way to her waist as a way of steadying myself against the tree.

The heat of her hands left a trail down my body as she held me, one hand taking mine, pinning it between the tree and hers, our fingers interlaced whilst her other hand trailed down my leg, lifting my knee as my leg wrapped round her.

Her mouth moved against mine and I could barely contain the moan of her name which hung in my throat as she trailed kisses along my neck and I tipped my head back at the sweet torture of the pressure of her against me.

‘Yasmin Khan,’ she kissed me again, ‘I have always come back to you, and wherever I go next, you’re coming with me.’ 

My hands, now free, wound themselves around her neck as I looked at her, speechless, before kissing her back, a hand running through her hair as the other grabbed her suspenders, pulling her closer to me still. 

‘Doc? You here? I think Ryan’s got something to show you.’

She pulled away from me, her hands still on my waist. 

‘Not now, Graham!’ She shouted, loud enough to frighten a few birds who flew noisily out of the tree beside us. 

‘Right, okay, er, as you like, doc…’

As she pulled me back towards her my shoulders shook with laughter, all the joy and emotion bubbling up inside me and she could do little more than kiss me once more before she relented, groaning and grabbing my hand, turning to follow the sound of Graham’s voice. 

‘Seriously, only the two of us are getting back in the Tardis tonight. They can camp.’ She waved a hand in the direction of where Graham’s voice had come from earlier before stopping again, kissing me gently before remembering herself and setting off to find them.

‘Coming!’ She called out, a new spring in her step, and I laughed, our hands swinging between us as we walked on.


	14. Bed Rest

My whole body felt heavy as I opened my eyes and I knew in an instant that I was ill, rolling over in the duvet and caccooning myself up.

My head felt far too heavy for the rest of my body and I could already feel a prickling in the back of my throat, the start of something horrid.

A soft knock at the door broke me from my thoughts and I knew it was the doctor, but before I could even try my voice out and answer her she had pushed it open.

‘Yaz?’ She called out, gently.

I stirred, but soon realised my voice wasn’t actually loud enough for anyone to hear. 

I pushed my hand out into the cold of the room, waving in the vague direction of her voice.

‘Yaz? What’s the matter?’ I could hear the quick step of her shoes on the wooden floor and poked my head out of the top of my duvet.

‘Not feeling the best,’ I croaked, trying to sit up before realising that the room appeared to be swaying a little.

My gaze followed her hand as she put the back of it against my forehead before pushing my hair out of my face, her hand lingering on me for longer than was strictly necessary.

‘You’re burning up, you poor thing.’ I nuzzled my head backwards against her touch, relishing the feeling of her looking after me.

‘Probably just a bug.’ My voice was barely audible but she must have heard me as she nodded, pulling her hand away from me.

‘I’m going to go and get you a drink and some tablets, see if we can bring this temperature down, okay?’ Her eyebrows were furrowed in concern and there was little I could do but sit there and nod, knowing that any protest would fall on deaf ears.

My eyelids were heavy, and I succumbed to sleep, hoping that I might feel better when I woke up. 

My dreams were filled with the doctor and it can’t have been long before I opened my eyes again, but the room was back to being dark.

As I rolled over I caught sight of the doctor, leaning against the bed, her eyes flicking over to me as the duvet rustled around me.

‘Hey,’ My voice sounded a little better already and she smiled.

‘Hey, how you doing?’ I wondered how often the doctor had done this, nursed someone she’d had on board the Tardis. It wasn’t that I wasn’t grateful, it just felt like it only served to highlight how small we were in comparison to her, who I had never seen so much as sneeze.

I felt my cheeks flush at the thought of how I must look to her and put on a smile.

‘Much better, fine in fact. You?’ She didn’t look convinced, and it didn’t help that as I went to stand up I felt a wave of nausea rise up within me.

‘Sit.’ She commanded, lowering me down and taking a seat beside me.

‘Don’t lie to me.’ She whispered, and I felt like a fool, she sounded hurt and I opened my mouth to explain but I couldn’t find the words. 

She grabbed the blanket from behind and wrapped it around me, pulling me to her with one hand before kicking a bowl across the floor so that it was next to me.

I grimaced at the sight of it.

‘Now, how are you feeling, really?’ I looked up to her and knew there was no point in lying, and that really, the doctor would never think badly of me for being ill anyway.

‘Dizzy and sick and cold and shivery,’ I pulled the blanket closer round me.

‘All in all, could be better.’ I tried for a laugh before giving up, putting a hand against my thigh to try and steady the rocking of the world around me. 

‘Oh Yaz, bless your heart…’ She rubbed at my arm with her hand, still holding on to me. Her chin came to rest on top of my head and I felt the ghost of a smile play on my lips.

‘I’m alright, by the morning I’ll be fine anyway. You can go, honest.’ I made a nod towards the door and watched as her gaze followed mine.

There was nothing I wanted less than for the doctor to leave now, and I held my breath for a second, wondering if she really was about to go, but instead she gave a little sympathetic grin.

‘No way, not a chance,’ she tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and looked into my eyes.

‘I’ll look after you here, okay?’ I nodded, not really believing my luck but still really wishing that she didn’t have to see me like this.

All at once I felt the nausea again and I made a dash for the loo. As I knelt on the floor I felt the doctor’s hand on my back rubbing circles as she held my hair.

‘Okay?’ She asked, helping me up, and I nodded, taking some of the water she gave me.

I hated being ill, it always made me too emotional and silly, and that was the only explanation for why there were tears prickling at my eyes. 

To her credit, the doctor said nothing, for which I was glad. Instead pulling me into a gentle hug.

‘Come on you, bed.’ I felt like a child, small and vulnerable in her arms, but I did what she said, looking up at her as I lay down. 

She sat back down next to the bed and I smiled at her sat there, next to me, protecting me.

I closed my eyes again and when I opened them I knew I’d slept through the day, turning to the clock it read eleven, but I was still tired. I looked down to where the doctor had been sat and felt my heart droop a little when she wasn’t there.

It wasn’t that I expected her to sit by my side all night long, I just wished I’d been awake for a bit longer.

I went to roll over before realising that there was a weight already on the duvet, stopping me from moving, slowly, I shifted my weight to my other side, turning myself to see the doctor next to me, her eyes closed and her breathing deep.

I bit my lip to keep from smiling too much and pulled the duvet gently, freeing it from underneath her and placing it over her instead.

Suddenly, I couldn’t sleep, feeling shuffly and unsettled at the sight of her so close. She looked so much younger asleep, her eyes, normally the wisest part of her, hidden from view.

My eyes traced the lines of her face, watching the rise and fall of her chest. I panicked when she stirred and closed my eyes, not wanting her to know I knew she was there in case she left.

My body was still, and I felt her fingers pull at my pyjamas, wrapping an arm round me.

Too nervous to open my eyes I relaxed into her touch, wondering if she was doing it as a reflex, or whether she was awake. 

I was no longer tired but still needed the rest and I was happy to lay there next to her as I dosed in and out of sleep.

Every time my eyes would open we had shifted closer together, her arm round me, our legs intertwined, my head on her chest. 

Occasionally I’d wonder what she’d say about it in the morning, whether this had been her intention or even if she’d woken up at all over the night.

But none of it seemed to matter, and the warmth of her body against mine was all I needed to feel better.

By the time I opened my eyes the next morning we were so close I was practically on top of her, one of my legs wrapped around her waist, pulling her to me as I rested my head on her shoulder.

Carefully, I tried to move it back, reclaim some space between us before she woke up, but instead I heard the rustling of movement as she brought her arm down and draped it over my shoulder.

I didn’t move. Hoping she’d still be sleep. 

‘Hey,’ Her voice broke the silence and I paused for a second, wondering whether I could pretend not to be awake.

‘Hey.’ My voice no longer sounded ill, but was still a tenth of it’s normal volume.

I could still feel the weight of her arm over my shoulder, and had little brain space to think about anything else. 

‘Sorry,’ her voice was embarrassed as she went to pull away, as though she’d only just woken up enough to realise where she was.

‘Don’t worry, I mean. I’m not worried, I mean…’ My words came out as a babble and both of us paused.

‘You sure?’ She whispered, and I nodded in to her chest, relaxing again as she let her arms drop back onto me. A few moments passed before she spoke again:

‘How are you feeling?’ 

‘Much better.’ My voice was now almost to eager and I really hoped she wouldn’t read too much into it.

‘I’m glad.’ She squeezed her arm a little bit further round me and it felt like we were at real risk of my heart exploding with happiness.


	15. Cookies (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise that a few of these next ones are going to be a bit Chistmass-y but I still think they're kinda cute and hey, with a Tardis, it can be Christmas every day ;)

‘As if, we could beat you any day of the week…’ I arched an eyebrow in Ryan’s direction as I spoke.

‘All I’m saying is, if you were really any good at it you would have already done it.’ 

‘Well, you know, we’ve been a little bit busy saving the universe recently, Ryan.’ The doctor rested her elbow on my shoulder as she spoke, obviously aiming for suave but instead coming off slightly drunk.

‘Alright,’ I smiled at the two men stood in front of me. 

‘How about this: today, the doctor and I will make the cookies, ice them, do the whole thing. If you’re not satisfied, tomorrow you can make mince pies?’

Their gazes locked for a moment, as if fighting some internal telepathic battle that I couldn’t understand. 

‘Fine.’ Ryan threw his hands up, jokingly.

‘But, you’re going to burn them, I swear…’ 

‘May the best chef win,’ Graham extended out his hand before snatching it out of my reach just before I shook it, doing a little gotcha face as I rolled my eyes.

I wondered if they really did prefer mince pies to cookies or if this was actually just an elaborate ploy to make sure that we did the cooking. Either way, it was working and there were cookies at the end of it.

It wasn’t often that we cooked onboard the Tardis, normally it was just little snacks here and there before we ended up eating out, and I wasn’t sure that the doctor was actually all that good at cooking at all, but I wasn’t letting them win, and cookies were definitely my signature dish.

‘Right,’ I turned to face her, hands on her shoulders, ‘there’s no way they’re winning this. These cookies have to be amazing…’ She nodded, but didn’t speak.

‘Doctor, what are you eating?’ She shook her head and I put a finger to her cheek, which was now puffed out like a hamster.

‘Are those sprinkles?’ She stuck out her tongue to reveal it covered in hundreds and thousands. 

‘Doctor!’ She grinned a rainbow grin and I couldn’t help but laugh, shoving her playfully as I got two aprons out of the cupboard.

‘Do we have any of those edible ball bearings?’ She was already poking around the ingredients and I was deeply regretting my earlier competitiveness. 

‘No, we don’t.’ I swatted at her hand, spinning on my heels to fake glare at her as she pouted.

We worked in silence for a few minutes, me creaming together butter and sugar whilst she watched, cracking the eggs when I asked her too.

‘Ooh. I know what we need…’ She shimmied behind me, squeezing through the gap between me and the oven.

‘Christmas music!’ We said together, before laughing as the songs began to play. 

‘What shall I do now?’ She rested her head on my shoulder, moving with me as I rolled out the dough. 

In answer to her question I span round, cookie cutters in hand. Unfortunately, the space between us was a little narrower than I expected and on spinning round I was little more than a few inches away from her face, feeling the heat of her body so close to mine. 

I felt the blush rise to my cheeks and tried to move just a little further back, but it was no use, the counter was still right behind me.

The second stretched ahead of me and I looked up to her, smiling as I saw that she still had sprinkles around her mouth.

‘Um, doc, you’ve got a little something…’ I mimed to her, shaking my head as she tried and failed to clean herself up.

‘Come here,’ I said, after a minute, and reached my hand up to her face, wiping away the sprinkles as she crinkled her nose under my touch.

‘Right, cookies…’ I span back round again, pretty sure that any more time that close to her would completely scramble my brain.

I had yet to put my finger on exactly what it was about the doctor that was so alluring, what exactly about her meant that every time she walked into a room my face lit up, every time she said my name my stomach did a backflip. 

But when I was close to her it was worst, as though it was an actual physical ailment, and I loved it.

I never knew if she felt it too, whether it was something that would even have occurred to her, and I was happy enough just to live in my own little bubble, enjoying her company wherever possible.

We danced our way through the next few minutes, cutting the cookies and placing them on the tray. 

Every now and then I’d look over to her, when she was busy, her hair half covering her face as she leant down, concentrating, and more than a few times I caught her stuffing it behind her ears.   
She looked up and our eyes met, mine awkward and hers filled with laughter. 

‘Yaz, can you give me a hand here?’ She blew her hair off her face with a little puff, only for it to come right back down again. Her hands, now covered in flour and cookie dough, flailed a little at her sides. 

‘Course, come here…’ I tucked the hair behind her ear, lost in a world of my own, a time when I could do that not because she needed me too, but just because I wanted to. 

I cleared my throat, stepping back, and put the last of the trays in the oven. Glad of something to do that hid my face.

‘Right, washing up.’ I gestured towards the carnage that was before us, knowing that she’d be pouting behind me. I half expected a but Yaz, whine, but it didn’t come, and I smiled to myself, running a sink of hot soapy water before blowing some of the bubbles in her direction.

‘Game on.’ She raised her eyebrow at me and I bit my lip to keep from laughing at the sight of her, bubbles on her head like a lopsided crown. 

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I answered, turning back to the sink.

‘I’m merely washing up.’ I felt her arms wrap round me from behind and it took all my concentration not to drop the plate that I was holding. She stuck her hands into the water in front of me and brought them up, covered in bubbles, placing one on each of my cheeks.

Her body was flush against me from behind and even when I wiggled I wasn’t going anywhere, I reached my hand into the water, grabbing at some more bubbles and bringing them up towards her face. 

She jumped backwards and I faltered for a second, nearly toppling over after having been resting my weight on her. Instead, I span round, blowing the bubbles off my hands and towards her face.  
She made a grab for my hand and caught it just in time, my bubbles falling sadly to the floor as she giggled. 

I tried for a stern face but ended up giggling too. I was never quite sure what the doctor thought of me when she looked at me, but in that moment it just felt good to be myself, unconcerned with impressing anyone because I knew that she had my back and would always want me to just be me. 

She stepped towards me, her arms opened wide for a hug and against my better judgement I complied, wrapping my arms round her loosely as I waited for whatever it was she was really up to. It wasn’t as if I was ever going to pass up the opportunity for a hug and as I stepped back I wondered whether maybe I had just misjudged it and it was actually just an innocent hug.

All at once she pinged open the front of my top, letting the bubbles from her hand drop down it. I stood stock still, dumbfounded, with little more to do than gasp.

She sucked in her lips, but I could still see the smile that was playing on them as her gaze dropped down to my top, which was slowly darkening as the bubbles popped beneath it.

‘You’re so dead…’ I pursed my lips, turning on the tap behind me and flicking the water at her.

The sound of an alarm cut through the silence and we both looked over towards the oven, where a few of the cookies had already started to burn. 

I groaned, pulling them out of the oven, and laid them on a cooling rack, the doctor still giggling behind me.

I elbowed her, but smiled as she wrapped an arm around my waist. 

‘I think we did really well,’ She laughed, and I felt her smile against my shoulder as she took a couple of the most burnt cookies and threw them towards the bin.

‘Ditto.’ I smiled, holding out a hand, which she hi-fived before wriggling her fingers into mine, squeezing my hand.

’Thanks, Yaz.’ Her voice was quiet as she moved towards me, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before moving away, her cheeks flushed and our hands still held.

‘Let’s go and find the boys?’ It was barely a question, but I nodded anyway, not 100% sure that my feet would remember how to walk after the shock of that. 

I moved a hand up to my cheek, where her lips had been moments previously, and tried my best to contain the smile on my face.


	16. Cookies (2)

‘How many of them burnt then?’ I heard Ryan’s voice following us down the corridor.

‘None,’ I lied, my fingers crossed behind my back.

‘But they’re still cooling, I think we’ll ice them in the morning.’ It was getting late and there wasn’t much left to be done before we headed to bed. 

The doctor had dropped my hand before we’d come into the room, but not before she’d turned to look at me, as though she was waiting for something more to be said - or maybe even trying to find the right words herself.

As much as I tried to act normal everything inside me was screaming to spend some time alone with her again, I couldn’t work out whether I had imagined what had been happening, the chemistry, the flirtation that way surpassed friendship, or whether, yet again, my heart was yearning for something that wasn’t there. 

I slumped down on the sofa, content with watching whatever Ryan had on the television, but it wasn’t long before the doctor sat next to me, asking questions about the programme, wondering what we were going to do tomorrow.

Her very presence scrambled my brain and as much as I loved being with her, it certainly wasn’t helping me to understand any of this.

My eyes flicked over to Graham in the corner and he caught my gaze, raising an eyebrow as if he knew something that I didn’t. It was enough to make me blush and I turned away, wondering if the doctor had seen him, or worse, if he’d seen us, earlier.

When I next looked back at him it was like nothing had happened, he continued to read the paper, his legs crossed, but I knew he knew I was looking at him, and I really wished that I could ask him what he’d meant.

‘Think I’ll head to bed,’ He said, getting up off the sofa and heading off as we all bid him goodnight.

The doctor turned to look at me as I watched Graham leave, and I did my best to keep my gaze level, knowing that she already had a question on her lips.

Instead, she swivelled round in her seat, her legs now resting off the edge of the arm of the sofa, her head coming to rest in my lap.

She looked up at me and smiled, that expression back again, as though she was trying to decide on something, or figure out something unfathomable.

I turned my gaze back to the tele, trying to ignore the heat that was rising to my cheeks as she rolled over a little, picking at a loose strand on my jeans as she watched the show. 

Ryan was engrossed in the programme, and even if he did turn round, what was there to see, really? But, it still made me uneasy. I kept my arms crossed, not knowing what to do with myself, but after a few moments the doctor snuggled further against me and I relented, putting one hand on the arm of the sofa as the other came to rest gingerly on her side.

‘I think I’m gonna head to bed, do you want me to leave this on?’ Ryan turned round, nodding back towards the tv as he spoke. If he was surprised, he didn’t show it, and I was glad that there wasn’t a conversation to be had about this.

I opened my mouth to respond but the doctor was already on it.

‘Yeah, please. Can we have the remote though?’ He nodded as he crossed the room in two strides, dropping the remote onto the sofa next to us.

‘Night.’ He smiled as he waved, leaving us alone.

Neither of us said anything, but I could feel myself relaxing a little more and I let myself go a bit, my elbow on the arm of the sofa as I lent against one hand, my other on the doctor’s shirt.

‘What are you thinking, Yaz?’ I gulped, but didn’t really know how to respond. Her tone wasn’t light, or flippant. It was serious, and I so desperately wanted to believe that we were both thinking the same thing.

‘I don’t know.’ It wasn’t a lie, but it obviously wasn’t what she wanted to hear either, and I cursed myself for saying it as soon as I heard her sigh a little, as if that only confirmed something she’d been thinking.

I ran my hand up and down her side, somehow trying to convey that just because I didn’t know didn’t mean it wasn’t something important, and after a moment I felt her relax again, one of her hands reaching round to hold mine, curling it up under her chest as we sat there.

The noise and colours of the tele were washing over me, but I couldn’t have told you what was playing if you’d paid me. I was painfully aware of the doctor’s weight on me, the fact that I felt I’d let her down by not really knowing what I was thinking. And the fact that, in that moment, I felt far more sure of what I was thinking than I think I ever had done previously. But that the fear of actually saying it, the doubt, was somehow too much to face - even when I considered the possible reward.

‘Doctor?’ My voice was small after not talking for a few minutes and I reached for the remote, muting the show.

‘What are you thinking?’ There was a moment where I didn’t think she was going to respond, where I wanted so much to be in bed, to be thinking of a moment like this without being here, without the stakes of our friendship being laid out before me.

‘I’m thinking,’ she said, still looking at the screen, ‘that I want this,’ she paused, and it felt like I could hear the beating of her heart, ‘that I want us, very, very badly. But that I just can’t risk hurting you, Yaz.’ 

When she turned to face me her eyes shone, and I watched a stain on her shirt grow from a tear of my own.

‘And, if you knew that you wouldn’t hurt me… then what would you do?’ Her eyes widened a little, surprised, and I could feel the tightening in my chest of a breath I didn’t dare let go. 

‘This.’ In one move she was sat up beside me, her hands cupping both of my cheeks as she moved in towards me, my breath escaping me in a sigh as her lips came to rest on mine, the taste of vanilla and cookie dough and sprinkles in my mouth as I leant back against the side of the sofa, pulling her towards me, the weight of her body against mine.


	17. Captain? (1)

‘Run.’ Her voice called out, more a plea than an instruction and I grabbed her hand as she held it out to me. 

The boys were up ahead and as I picked my way through the rubble I could see them banging against the door at the end of the corridor. I was already exhausted and not convinced that we were going to make it out of this one, I felt the doctor’s grip on my hand tighten even further and I would have winced if it hadn’t been for the adrenaline coursing through my body.

The coat billowed behind her as she ran and I watched as she extracted the sonic, me searching the corridor behind us for any signs of the daleks whilst she fought against the door.

‘Doctor. We haven’t got long.’ My voice was loud and echoed across the room as she continued with the door, and I watched the shadow lengthen at the other end of the corridor. I wasn’t sure what the range of a dalek’s shot was, but I was ready to bet that the second it turned that corner we were toast. 

I could feel the doctor behind me but I couldn’t help but begin to back up further, my feet, a mind of their own, trying to protect us.

‘Doc, any time now.’ I could hear the edge to Graham’s voice and I couldn’t help but gulp as he stood in front of Ryan as I did the doctor, desperate to protect them at all costs.

‘Yaz, behind me. Now.’ He called, looking to me. It wasn’t a question but I didn’t move anyway, there was no way that I was moving anywhere that wasn’t between them and the doctor. 

There was a moment of confusion as we all fell back in to the door which swung wide, now open. None of us more confused than the doctor as we piled on top of her, the door slamming shut behind us. 

I scrambled to my feet, hauling her up next to me as my eyes adjusted to the room, desperately hoping that this wasn’t a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire.

‘Well, well, well.’ Called out a voice, American, and I wondered if this meant human - was there another America in the universe I didn’t know about? Probably.

The lights flicked on and I looked towards the man who was indistinguishably either our saviour or captor.

He walked towards me with the air of someone used to getting what they wanted.

‘Well hello,’ 

‘And who are you?’ My voice was stronger than I felt but my eyes flicked towards the doctor for reassurance, surprisingly though she was stood still, as though for once the universe was as surprising to her as it was to the rest of us.

‘Captain Jack Harkness.’ 

I couldn’t help but look him up and down, wondering what on Earth gave him the right to be so confident in the face of the dalek empire.

‘Right, okay.’ I turned my attention back to the doctor, ‘doctor, what now?’ 

The second the words were out of my lips I knew I had made a mistake, her eyes shot to me, warningly, and I watched as the man span round.

‘Doctor? Doctor? You’re a woman now?’ I couldn’t help but watch the familiarity on his face grow, the laughter in his eyes, as though this was some big joke.

I took my place by the doctor’s side and wondered what was going to happen next, desperately hoping that she wasn’t angry with me for whatever I appeared to have just done. 

‘Jack,’ She nodded her head in his direction. 

‘Everyone, this is Jack, we used to know each other. Jack, these are my friends, Ryan, Graham…’ she paused for a second, ‘and Yaz.’

I watched as he smiled at Graham, before turning to Ryan.

‘Hello,’ He was watching him, waiting for a reaction, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the pair of them as they shook hands. 

I looked back to the doctor who suddenly looked unsure of herself and I turned to ask her what was going on.

‘And you must be Yaz,’ Jack was already turning back to me and I gave him a small smile before turning to the doctor. He seemed nice enough, but at the moment he wasn’t my main concern.

‘What now, doctor?’ I asked again, a hand on the back of her coat, bringing her back from whatever daydream she’d been having.

I knew his eyes were still on me but I ignored them.

The doctor had a trace of relief on her face, as though she had been expecting far more issues with Jack than we’d had so far.

‘Tardis. Come on.’ She began to walk brusquely off to the side and I followed, wondering whether he was coming too but not really wanting to ask. 

By the time we came to the Tardis I was aware of the laughter behind us, the fact that whatever else Jack had done he seemed to have made good friends with Ryan, at least.

I caught his eye again as we went indoors and he raised his eyebrows. He was obviously one hell of a flirt, but there was something more to it.

Either way, I wasn’t interested, and the confusion on his face was evident.

The doctor was still distant and I was desperate to ask her what was going on, covering her hand with mine as we stood still, hoping that she’d open up.

‘You okay?’ I whispered, standing next to her as the boys continued to chat, the Tardis swaying as we set off.

Her eyes flicked up to Jack, and I looked too. 

‘What do you think of him?’ Her tone was casual, almost too much so, and I wondered what the right answer was. Obviously he was her friend, and I wasn’t about to say that he was a bit too much for my liking, but at the end of the day, I wasn’t going to lie to her either.

‘Seems, alright. Bit full of himself.’ She smiled a little, squeezing my hand.

‘Handsome?’ She turned away from me as she asked, as though she didn’t really want to hear the answer.

‘Not my type.’ I knew she was smiling now and my cheeks blushed a little, wondering where this had come from all of a sudden. I opened my mouth to ask, turning to look back at the man responsible for this shift in dynamic only to see him looking at the two of us, eyes wide.

‘Oh.’ He mouthed, as if some insane thing had just fallen into place for him and I watched the doctor’s gaze shift between the two of us.

‘Jack, enough.’ Her voice was devoid of humour and my eyes flicked between them for a second, wondering what it was that I had so obviously missed.

‘What?’ He threw his hands up, the picture of innocence, and I knew in that moment that I didn’t trust him.

I let my hands fall to my sides, not knowing what to do and I bit my lip to keep from talking, watching as the doctor continued to work on the Tardis console, her eyes flicking up to Jack every now and again.


	18. Captain? (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's possible that this may be my favourite one that I've written... either this or the beach one. Hope you enjoy!

Graham spoke first, turning towards the rest of us. 

‘I’m going to go and get changed I think, catch an early night.’ I nodded towards him, still not speaking, and could see that he was scanning the room - wondering what he’d missed. 

The doctor watched him leave before turning towards Ryan.

‘Ryan, Yaz, why don’t you go and get something to eat?’ It was a question, but there was only one answer and I nodded, smiling at the doctor before we left.

‘What was all that about?’ Ryan asked, turning to me as we entered the kitchen.

‘I have no idea. What do you think of that Jack guy?’

He shrugged before answering.

‘Seems alright, but if he’s upset the doctor…’ I nodded, buttering a plate full of toast.

We ate in silence before I decided that I’d take some to the two of them in the console room. I didn’t want the doctor to think that I was being nosy but I felt nervous leaving her with him, someone who we hardly knew, and who had already seemed to upset her.

‘I’m just gonna go and offer them some.’ I said, smiling. Ryan hesitated for a second before nodding.

‘Alright, I’ll probably head to bed.’ He squeezed his arm around my shoulder before he left and for a second I leant into the hug, suddenly feeling the events of the day catching up with me.

My legs felt heavy as I walked through the corridors of the Tardis, tired and confused.

I lifted my hand to knock before entering but realised the door was already ajar and I put my hand against it, ready to push, but something caught my attention.

‘I wasn’t going to say it right there and then - why? Doesn’t she even know?’ His voice was softer than I’d heard it earlier but I couldn’t work out what the doctor’s reply was.

I didn’t want to eavesdrop on the conversation but I couldn’t tear myself away.

‘Of course she does. Have you seen the way…’ there was a pause for a second in which I thought I heard the doctor’s voice, but it was too faint to distinguish.

‘Oh never mind. Fine, I’ll mind my own business.’ His voice was getting louder and I heard footsteps coming closer to the door. 

I rounded the corner, out of sight, and watched as he sighed, closing the door behind him before walking away.

None of it made sense, who were they talking about? I felt a pang of jealousy and pushed it down, walking back towards my room.

Lying in bed I couldn’t shake the conversation from my head, the way he was obviously trying to comfort her about something, something that obviously made her nervous. 

Time ticked on and I just seemed to feel more and more awake, tossing and turning as I went over the words in my head.

Eventually, I got up, itching to be moving, to at least be doing something. 

The good thing about the Tardis was that no matter how far you walked you rarely came across a dead end, it was like a maze, but sometimes that was what you needed and tonight, I just wanted to walk, even if it didn’t help me understand it all, the act of putting one foot in front of the other was at once comforting and calming. 

I pushed any thoughts of the doctor to the back of my mind, trying not to think about how concerned I was for her, how half the reason I couldn’t sleep was because I hadn’t been able to ask her if she was alright. 

Time seemed to slow down as I walked, my fingers trailing along the smooth walls of the Tardis, and after what felt like hours I came to a stop outside what I knew was the doctor’s room. 

The door was slightly open and I could see the glow of a light coming out from underneath it. 

I bit the inside of my cheek, not sure what to do. The doctor rarely slept, so the likelihood of me disturbing her was minimal, but if she had hidden herself away in there to be alone… I didn’t want to ruin that. 

Against my better judgement I knocked on the door, already feeling a sheen of sweat covering my palms.

‘I said drop it. Okay?’ Her voice was sharp enough to make me physically jump back and I dropped my hands to my sides.

‘Sorry.’ I fumbled for my words, already turning to leave. I hadn’t gotten more than a couple of steps when I felt her hand on my wrist, pulling me back to her.

‘Yaz! I didn’t realise it was you. I’m sorry.’ One look at her face told me she’d been crying and in that second my heart swelled with love for her. Just the idea of her being upset was enough to cause a lump in my throat and I turned to look at her properly.

‘Doctor, are you okay?’ She opened her mouth to respond before closing it again, as if she didn’t really even have an answer.

‘Want to talk about it?’ I offered, putting a hand on her back as we stood there. After a second she nodded, taking my hand and pulling me into the bedroom before checking the corridor behind us and closing the door.

Her room was magnificent. I hadn’t been in it before but the walls were littered with things, none of which looked human. Bits that I recognised from the Tardis, things that looked like they belonged in an alien civilisation, photos. It was as though she wanted to keep as many things as she could so as not to forget anything.

I turned back to look at her only to realise she was already watching me and I smiled encouragingly, crossing my legs as I sat on the bed, opposite her.

‘Is it Jack?’ I picket at a thread of the clean white duvet, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t have brought him up.

When she didn’t answer I turned my gaze to her, watching as she tucked her hair behind her ear, I couldn’t help but smile when I looked at her, my stomach clenching as she spoke my name.

‘Yaz. I’ve known Jack for a long time…’ Something in her tone made me think that I didn’t really want to know what the rest of that sentence was.

She stopped talking and stood up, turning away from me and becoming engrossed in a picture of a man in a fez.

I watched her for a second, looking at the way she held herself, the elegance of it coupled with that youthful cheekiness that somehow suited her.

‘Doctor?’ I prompted, after a few moments, getting up to stand beside her.

She turned and I could see the tears about to spill over. For a second, I didn’t know what to do, taken aback by how raw the emotion looked in her eyes.

‘Hey, come here…’ I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her as her head rested on my shoulder.

I felt her reach her arms behind my back, her hand grabbing a fistful of my shirt as though afraid I might disappear.

After a minute her grip relaxed and I pulled away from her slightly, my hands still on her hips.

‘What is it?’ I asked, my voice quiet as she stood there.

‘I’m not used to this,’ she shook her head, as though trying to free herself from a thought she’d like to forget.

Without thinking I put a hand to the side of her head, tucking her hair behind her ear as I held it there. For a second we both stood still and I knew how aware we had both suddenly become of our proximity. Part of me wanted to step back, but I couldn’t force myself to, the only sensation I was aware of being the feeling of her skin under my hand.

‘I heard you talking,’ I said with a new found confidence, putting my hand on her shoulder.

‘What didn’t you want him to say?’ I’d come to the conclusion that the she must be me, and even as I asked the question I could feel my heart beating louder in my chest.

Maybe it was the fact that it was so long after I should have been asleep, or maybe it was because the physical proximity of the doctor so effectively scrambled my brain, but none of this felt real. My nervousness from earlier was fast disappearing and I couldn’t help but feel that this would be a moment I’d look back on, when I’d see the two choices that I could have made and I really hoped I was about to make the right one.

My voice came out as little more than a whisper.

‘Doctor, what didn’t you want to tell me?’ She looked me dead in the eyes, the intensity enough to take my breath away and I watched as she swallowed, taking a deep breath before speaking.

‘Yaz, it’s complicated, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise our friendship.’ It was like she was begging me not to ask again, but I couldn’t leave it, not having got this far. 

Somewhere within me I was desperate to know that she was going to say what I wanted her to, that somehow that man who’d shown up merely hours ago had seen between us what I had been feeling for months. That that would have been enough for the doctor to make the leap of faith that I had been trying to pluck up the courage to do. 

She didn’t say another word and the tension was so much I could hardly bare it, I closed my eyes for a second, knowing that this would be the single most terrifying thing I would ever do, and when I spoke again I could hear the fear in my voice.

‘You know,’ I pushed my hands against my sides, trying to stop them from shaking even though I knew she’d already seen them.

‘If you say it first, I’ll say it back.’ I watched as her eyes widened and when she said nothing I closed my eyes for a second, praying that I hadn’t got this wrong. Praying that somehow we would muddle through this.

When I opened them again I was ready for the ground to swallow me up, already trying to figure out if I could travel backwards to another point in the Tardis timeline, get rid of the words all together, and then I felt the warmth of her hand on mine, stroking my shaking fingers. 

I felt her fingers on my cheek, wiping away a tear that I didn’t even know had escaped and though it almost felt like I couldn’t bare this for a second longer I wanted the moment to last forever, to be suspended in a time where she was looking at me like this, where whether she said it or not didn’t matter because I could see it in her eyes. 

But then the distance between us closed as she kissed me.

Telling me things I’d never expected, making me feel more loved than those three words could ever have done and I kissed her back, my hands in her hair trying desperately to believe that this was real, that I wasn’t about to wake up and as she pulled away I sighed, the relief palpable and I knew that the smile on my face would be one of many to come and I prayed that that kiss would be the first of millions.

‘Yasmin Khan, I love you.’ Her voice was so soft, her hands resting on my waist as she kissed my cheek.

‘I love you too.’ I interlaced my fingers with hers, looking at her as though it was the first time I realised I loved her all over again, taken aback by the beauty and the sheer amount of emotion that I felt for this woman standing before me.


	19. Splash

I felt her hand grab mine as we both jumped, my legs tucking up beneath me before hitting the water. It hadn’t been my idea to swim today but the doctor was all up for it and after the heat of the chase earlier it seemed like a nice enough way to relax. 

I watched as Ryan jumped in the water, and looked over to see Graham using the steps. It was nice to think that we still had a little bit of time before we had to go and do anything else and even though there were loose ends to be tied up my thoughts were entirely on the doctor. 

‘Come on,’ She smiled, splashing some water at me. I hadn’t believed her when she said at first that the Tardis had a swimming pool, but it really was magnificent and the more I got to know about the doctor’s ship the more astounded I became.

I splashed some water back at her before swimming off, for once glad that my mum had forced me to continue swimming lessons well in to my teens. 

The doctor smiled back before getting out, running across the side of the pool ready to jump back in again.

It was heartwarming to see her so happy and I held on to the side as I watched her. She was wearing the same one piece red swimming costume that I was, and something about it made my heart ache.

I watched her back curve as she tucked her knees up, successfully splashing Graham, and only just managed to tear my gaze away before she came up for air, looking straight at me. 

I could already feel the blush on my cheeks and really hoped she hadn’t seen me. 

Her head bobbed down under the water and I kicked out as she came closer, a stream of bubbles erupting in the water beneath my feet, smiling as she came back up, inches from my face.

Her hair was wet and it stuck to the side of her face, water dripping down her cheeks.

‘You alright?’ She shook the hair backwards, her hand steadying herself on the bare skin of my shoulder.

I could do little more than nod and laugh as she blew bubbles under the water.

‘I don’t know why I don’t come here more often.’ She looked round the room and I nodded my agreement, it really was pretty, the ceiling high and ornate and the room big enough that there were benches round the outside of the pool, where Graham had now taken up residence having done a couple of lengths.

‘Handstand competition?’ She tugged on my hand and I followed her for a little while to the shallower water, watching as she turned herself upside down.

I still wasn’t sure where the doctor got her energy from, and much as I tried to keep up sometimes I just found it impossible. For a second I was lost in a world of my own, watching as she came back up, the rise and fall of her chest only exacerbated by the fact that she’d been holding her breath.

I shook the thought from my head and tipped myself upside down under the water, hiding my face. 

It wasn’t as though this was the first time I’d been attracted to a woman, but this was definitely the hardest. Every time I saw her I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, every word she said tainted by the fact that all I wanted to do was be close to her. 

When I came up for air I realised that she was watching me and I smiled before taking a bow.

‘That was seriously good…’ She nodded her approval, but I could see the competitive glint in her eyes.

‘How do you keep it for so long?’ 

‘It’s all in the legs,’ I scratched at my back, suddenly a little self-conscious.

‘If you keep them together you’ll be able to hold it for longer.’ I nodded, watching as she took a deep breath in before going under again.

Realising I had an excuse for looking at her legs I relished the chance, watching as she flicked them up over her head. After a few seconds she began to wobble again and instinctively I reached out a hand to steady her, keeping them up for a few seconds longer before letting go.

When she came up her face was red from the exertion of it and I smiled, swimming round her for a second before deciding to skim along the bottom of the pool, straight through her legs.

It was a show-off move and I smiled as I waved at her from underneath the water, knowing that I would literally do anything to be the reason that that smile was on her face.

It wasn’t long before we decided to get out of the pool, hunger taking over and as I walked back with the doctor I couldn’t help but notice how close we were, our arms brushing as we walked side by side.

‘You okay?’ She asked, looking over to me as she pushed open the bedroom door and I nodded, aware of how exposed I felt even with the towel that was covering me. 

‘Yaz,’ Her hand grazed my shoulder and I turned to face her, watching as she dropped the towel to the floor, completely unaware of how difficult it made it for me to keep eye contact.

‘Is everything okay, you’ve been…’ She paused for a second, her eyes full of concern.

‘You’ve just been really distant, have I upset you?’ I fumbled for a second, not sure how to explain that it was obviously completely the opposite, that taking a step back was a self preservation tactic, and nothing more.

‘No, doctor. Seriously.’ There was nothing more I could say for fear of making things awkward, but I reached my hand out, giving her shoulder a little squeeze.

‘I’ve just been thinking.’ As soon as I spoke I knew I should have left things there, shouldn’t have given her an opening for conversation. For a second I thought I had got away with it, watching as she crossed the room, picking some clothes out of the wardrobe, and I turned to do the same. But then her voice broke the silence and I winced.

‘Thinking about what?’ Her tone was light, casual, but when I answered my voice sounded strangled in response.

‘Oh, you know, just things… Lots has gone on…’ I didn’t like to lie to her, and in fairness this was little more than an omission of the complete truth. Lots had gone on, but the aliens I could deal with. It was her that was scrambling my brain.

‘Wanna talk about it?’ She looked up from what she was doing and even as I turned away I could still feel her gaze on me as I shook my head.

‘Seriously, Yaz?’ When I turned round her hands were empty again, the clothes left on the bed as she folded her arms. 

Despite my nerves at her reading more into this than there needed to be I could still hardly keep my eyes off of her. 

I knew this was all new to her, that she hadn’t been a woman before, and that she didn’t know that my eyes wandered over her at every available opportunity and that she was probably figuring things out as much as I was. My cheeks flushed and I tried to look at the floor, anything to keep from having to try and hold a conversation with her in a swimming costume. 

Unfortunately, she mistook my shyness for sadness and came over, reaching out her hand in the space between us. 

Water dripped steadily on to the floor beneath us and as I took her hand I could feel the coldness of it. 

‘Doctor, you’re freezing.’ Without thinking I took the towel that was wrapped around me and put it over her shoulder. Smiling as she shrugged off my help.

‘Don’t try and change the subject.’ She raised an eyebrow warningly, but I watched as she pulled the towel a little further round her. 

My hands were clasped in front of me and I kept my eyes on them as I stepped back slightly, hoping that she wouldn’t notice. It was so difficult to lie to her, but the truth would be so much worse.

To explain that I was confused, that as much as I was trying to ignore it the more time I spent with her the more I wanted to spend with her, the more I wanted her. It was too much for me to even think about getting the words out.

She held my hands still with hers and when our eyes met something within them had changed, the concern had been replaced with an expression I couldn’t decipher. 

‘If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. But I only want to help.’ There was no judgement in her voice, none of it was said to make me feel bad, but it did, nonetheless.

‘I’m thinking about something. Something that I don’t understand enough to be able to talk to you about. Something that scares me.’ My words were slow, deliberate. But I already knew that it just sounded silly. 

‘Is there anything I can do that would help?’ She smiled and I bit my lip, wishing desperately that I could explain it to her, because there was no one that I felt would be better at understanding.  
I decided on the age old tactic of pretending it was someone else, the nerves growing in my chest as I began to speak.

‘I like someone.’ She nodded.

‘And I don’t know what they think of me.’

She nodded again.

‘Well, obviously they’ll love you back - you’re Yaz.’ I could tell she was trying desperately to let me talk but I smiled at her comment anyway.

‘But what if they don’t think of me that way, what if…’ I couldn’t get the rest of the sentence out.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ She led me over to the bed, resting the towel beneath us.

‘Why wouldn’t anyone love you, Yaz?’ There was nothing in her voice to suggest that she wasn’t being completely serious and I smiled a little. 

‘Thanks, doctor.’ She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, squishing our faces together and I smiled, knowing that one day I’d tell her, and hoping that just maybe, she might feel the same.


	20. Christmas (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not lost the plot, but the next few updates are going to be Christmassy... I wrote them (and published them over on WP) on Christmas day, but I still think they're so cute. And January is grey and miserable so why not have some festive thasmin??

The sound of the music followed us along the corridor and I tried to avoid singing along. The song was catchy but the doctor was stood next to me and I wasn’t sure whether she’d be a great fan of my terrible Christmas singing, but either way I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face. 

‘What?’ She turned to me.

‘Do I have something on my face?’ She rubbed at her cheeks. 

I shook my head, biting my lip to keep from smiling any more.

‘No doctor, I’m just glad it’s Christmas.’ She squeezed me tight to her as we walked.

‘Me too.’ Ever since I had first met the doctor I had worried about how lonely she sometimes looked, those moments when she thought no one was watching and she got this look in her eye that made you think that she’d lost so much that she didn’t have it in her to ever love again. But then I’d see her like this, see the smile on her face - the child-like wonder with which she looked at the world, and it would all feel possible.

The door in front of us opened and I watched as the boys came through it, Ryan trailing behind Graham, each of them holding one end of a Christmas tree.

‘You found one?’ The doctor’s voice reached a scream as she grabbed my hand, pulling me down the corridor with her. 

‘Of course we did.’ I watched as the boys laughed, Ryan fist-bumping Graham. It was strange how much they’d grown as a family since we’d been here. How we had all grown together in a way that I could never have expected to happen so quickly. 

By the time we pulled the tree through to the console room we were all knackered, the tree almost falling as we steadied it, finally getting it to balance.

‘Yes, Team Tardis.’ The doctor laughed, a borderline giggle, and I couldn’t help but watch her, the way her head tipped back as she laughed, her hair, now stuffed behind her ears, falling over her face as she began to grab some of the decorations off the floor. 

‘Come on…’ She passed me the other end of the lights, trailing them over my shoulders like a scarf before giving me a serious look and taking them back, beginning to put them on the tree. 

It didn’t feel like a normal Christmas eve, it was definitely going to be a far different Christmas than any one I had ever been used to, but this year that didn’t feel like a bad thing. Normally I liked things to be the same as they always were - liked the routine and predictability of tradition. But now I felt like everything I thought I knew about myself had been challenged, every rule I had made up flying out of the window one after the other as I spent more time with the doctor.

‘Yaz? A little help…’ I looked over to see the doctor already tangled up with Christmas lights, and I wondered how a genius such as herself could end up in such a muddle.

‘Come here…’ I pulled her to me with the end of the string, watching as she span a little. The lights in the room were dimmed, and the string of lights twinkled around her as she span out of them. 

She truly was beautiful and there was no reason for me to take my eyes off of her as she span, enjoying herself. 

The lights fell to the floor and I watched as she dizzily stepped backwards before I grabbed her.

‘You alright there?’ I laughed, holding her steady. 

‘All good…’ She smiled, and I pulled the lights back off the floor, feeding them on to the tree with her beside me. 

Every now and then our hands would brush, sending shivers down my spine, and I’d pretend to be busy with something else, regaining my composure before turning my gaze back to her.

By the time it got to actually putting the decorations on we had fallen into a bit of a rhythm; me giving her the decorations, choosing a spot together, admiring our handiwork at regular intervals.

It wasn’t until we’d finished that I realised just how tired I actually felt, how much time we’d spent getting it just so.

‘Doctor, Yaz?' Ryan’s voice came out of the kitchen, bringing with it the waft of mince pies and we hungrily descended on the plate that he brought out.

‘These are so good.’ The doctor smiled through a mouthful of pastry before stuffing the rest of one of them straight into her mouth. 

Ryan looked a little sheepish before thanking her, saying that he was going to go and tidy up.

‘Do you fancy a game of monopoly later?’ He asked as he turned to leave.

I watched as the doctor happily agreed and I wondered how many Christmases she’d spent alone, how many times it had just passed her by without anyone really realising, whether she’d just skipped past it on purpose. That was the thing about time travel, sometimes it made me think that she missed more stuff than she gained. Sometimes those little moments, driving in the dark, the anticipation of things like Christmas, were half the fun. I wondered how long it had been since the doctor felt those normal things, enjoyed life at a regular pace.

‘You alright, Yaz?’ She asked when we were alone, the tree twinkling behind us. 

I nodded my agreement, wondering what she was thinking before smiling as the next song came on. One of my favourites. 

‘I love this one.’ The doctor took the words straight from my lips, pulling me to her to dance as she belted out the chorus.

‘And the very next day, you gave it a way… this year…’ I smiled at how much she was enjoying this, laughing as she stood on my toe before twirling us back around.

‘Hang on,’ She went over to the phone that was hooked up to the Tardis, putting on a slower song before taking my hand again.

It no longer felt Christmassy, but there was still the same cosy vibe to it and I smiled as she squeezed my hand again, pulling me closer to her. 

She stumbled a little before falling closer to me and I laughed, holding her. For a second we stood there, closer than we should have been and there was nothing to stop my breath from hitching in my throat, as she relaxed into my embrace, gently putting a hand on my waist as though asking for permission, waiting till I nodded to put her other hand on the other side, her chin coming to rest on my shoulder.

‘I can dance, you know.’ I could hear the smile in her voice as she wrapped her arm further round me, one hand still against my waist. There was too much going on for me to be able to respond so I nodded instead, wondering why she suddenly decided to do this.

‘It’s ben a long time since I’ve looked forward to Christmas, Yaz.’ The sadness in her voice was unmistakable and almost instinctively I reached a hand up to the back of her head, holding her, not able to find the words to tell her how sorry I was, but also how glad I was that we could be here for her this year. 

‘I wish we’d met sooner,’ I managed, still swaying with her slowly. 

‘Me too.’ She added after a moment, and I smiled, wondering how we had ended up here.

She pulled away first, looking me dead in the eye.

‘Yaz…’ I looked into her eyes as though they might hold the answers to the questions I was too scared to ask, the change in her tone as definite as between that of night and day, the sadness gone, replaced with a softness that I hadn’t heard before. 

‘What?’ I smiled, looking at her, watching as she bit her lip for a second before responding. 

‘Oh, don’t worry about it. Why don’t we go and get ready for tonight?’ We’d agreed that the dress code was Christmas jumpers and I already had mine picked out, ready to wow them all with a red knitted Rudolph creation. After a second I nodded, wondering what it was that she had wanted to tell me but not really wanting to push it. The doctor was like that sometimes, full of unfathomable mystery, and I had soon learnt that any attempts to cajole her into talking fell on deaf ears. It was easier to let her speak when she was ready.

We walked down the corridor in silence before going our separate ways, me throwing on the jumper and trying to brush through my hair in an effort to make myself look semi-presentable. 

We were all so comfortable around each other but I had a particular soft spot for the doctor, and sometimes I was sure that she felt the same - but then I remembered that that was a gift of hers, to be able to make you feel as though you were the only person in the room who mattered, the only one whose opinion she wanted to hear. 

After a moment I laid on the bed, knowing that nobody would be ready just yet. I reached under the bed and brought out the box I had been keeping safe. 

Lifting the lid I found the items, untouched just as I hoped. Inside I had a few photos from home, a couple of Christmas cards, a sprig of mistletoe and the doctor’s present. 

I laid them out on the bed beside me, thinking of my family and how much I missed them, even though I was so glad to be here with her. 

A knock at the door broke me from my thoughts, the doctor pushing it open slightly to call through.


	21. Christmas (2)

‘Anyone home?’ She called, and I smiled.

‘One sec.’ I scooped everything back into the box, kicking it under the bed again.

As she entered I couldn’t help but laugh, her jumper low cut and with a few snowballs on the front, but as she twirled in front of me I saw the real reason she’d chosen it, the Olaf pictured on the back definitely completing the outfit.

‘May I just say, Yasmin Khan, you look stunning.’ We both knew she was joking but as the words left her mouth the silence got heavier before I smiled, laughing at her as she came over to sit beside me. 

It was then that we both saw it, my laugh faltering as I clapped eyes on what she was looking at.

‘For someone special?’ Her tone was less harsh and more forcefully devoid of emotion and internally I groaned. The mistletoe was still on the sheets, along with the Christmas card that the doctor had given me, both having been forgotten when I’d swept the things back under the bed.

I tried to laugh it off, not committing to anything, but she obviously wasn’t convinced.

‘As if. Just in case.’ I tipped my head towards it, trying to make a joke of it, but before I knew it she was stood up.

‘Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that the boys said they’ll be ready in a few minutes.’

She turned to leave and I was bewildered by the change in her. What kind of debauchery did she obviously think I was bringing onboard her ship?

‘Doctor?’ I grabbed her wrist, turning her back to me.

‘Have I upset you?’ The only expression that crossed her face was that of hurt and I didn’t let go of her wrist, knowing there was no way that I was leaving this until she was okay with me.

‘No, Yaz. I just…’ Her voice faltered for a second and I shook my head a little, confused. I didn’t know what she was thinking but I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea, I wanted nothing more than to tell her that the only reason I had it was as part of my desire for her - that she was the only person that I’d been able to think about for months, but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t bring myself to, not knowing what she’d say, how she’d react.

‘Doctor?’ I prompted, aware of the fact that I now had her hand clasped in mine.

‘I just thought, maybe…’ She waved her spare hand in front of her, as though that completely clarified things.

‘What?’ When she spoke again her voice was sharp, but I soon realised that she wasn’t angry with me but herself.

‘I thought, Yaz, maybe it would’ve been for me.’ It was like the rest of the room disappeared, the only thing I was able to focus on being her stood in front of me. It was cliche but I was desperate for her to repeat it - already certain that I must have got the wrong idea, that somehow I was misinterpreting it and the knot of hope that was forming in my stomach did nothing to make me feel better about the situation.

My feet moved without another thought, not wanting to have time to second guess myself as my hand, still connected with hers, pulled her over to the bed where we both sat on the edge, me reaching for the mistletoe and shakily holding it above us, not sure if I had the courage to do any more. The doctor’s gaze followed my hand and I watched as she gulped.

‘No, Yaz, you don’t have to…’ I swallowed the rest of her sentence with a kiss, not knowing what else I could do to show her that this was definitely not something I was feeling in any way forced to do. 

The moments passed in a blur, her hands reaching towards my face as we sat there, the mistletoe falling to the ground as I wrapped my arms round her. 

The spell was broken by another knock on the door and we sprang apart as though electrified.

‘You guys ready?’ My cheeks were flushed and my breathing ragged but I nodded at the doctor who spoke for the both of us.

‘Coming.’ I smiled at her, shy, and dropped my hands to my sides, surprised as she reached over to kiss me on the cheek before leaving, me following a few steps behind.

Surprised didn’t quite cover how I was feeling and as we sat down I ran a hand through my hair, trying desperately to figure out what this meant, not ready to admit what I already hoped.

We all sat on the floor around the table, the board already set up for us. 

The thoughts continued to swirl around my head and it wasn’t until I was close to losing that I managed to direct my attention back towards the game.

I could feel the doctor’s leg pressed against mine and I gently reached my hand under the table, keeping my eyes on the game as it unfolded, answering all the right questions before I felt the doctor’s hand reach out and nudge mine, me taking the opportunity to take hers in return. I tried and failed to keep the smile off my face, suddenly feeling assured that whatever had happened earlier, though a spur of the moment decision, was something far bigger than one kiss.

After a few moments her hand reached to my leg, grazing the inside of my thigh as I rolled the dice. There was nothing I could do but sit there, throwing her the occasional smile as we played on, my brain a buzz of thoughts that I couldn’t quite get to grips with.

‘I’m done.’ Laughed Graham after a while, throwing down his cards as I ran my thumb over the doctor’s hand, which was now resting in my lap.

‘Hmm?’ I said after a moment, jumping slightly as I realised that something had happened that required direct involvement on my part. 

‘Shall we finish tomorrow?’ He prompted again and I nodded mutely, the doctor squeezing my hand, still under the table.

‘Okay,’ she smiled, ‘bed?’ My cheeks flushed red as she addressed the question to the room, and I desperately hoped that no one noticed.

There were nods of agreement and I dropped her hand, standing up and following the others out of the room. I laughed with them, but the only thing I could feel was the beating of my heart against the inside of my chest.

The boys peeled off, one to the left, one to the right and the second their bedroom doors closed she grabbed my hand, pushing open the nearest available door and pulling me inside after her.  
‘Yaz..’ Her voice was little more than a whisper and for a second I felt nervous, seeing her before me.

‘Can I just ask, earlier…’ She started, before dropping my hand, though I wasn’t sure where she was going with her question.

‘I meant it,’ I volunteered, my voice quiet against the backdrop of the silence, hoping that that would answer whatever it was that she had been wanting to know. 

The room around us was small, little more than a cupboard, but it was empty and I heard the click of the door locking as she reached behind her before turning her attention back to me.

‘Can I?’ I noticed the blush spreading on her cheeks as she asked, her hand already outstretched towards me. My body was aching to be close to her, the effort of having been behaving in front of everyone else taking its toll.

I nodded, not knowing whether I would be able to do more than that without actually losing any semblance of calm that I still had.

Her hand reached up, gently, as though savouring the moment, tucking the hair behind my ear and holding it there as she softly kissed the same spot, me tilting my head to the side as she approached, her other hand to my waist, my back now flush against the wall. 

‘The mistletoe…’ She asked after a moment, her voice a whisper in my ear.

She sounded scared, and I knew than that whatever bravado she was presenting with was a front and that really she was as nervous as me, which somehow made me feel a little more relaxed.  
I took my hands and linked our fingers together, relishing the warmth of hers against mine, the fact that I didn’t have to pretend like this wasn’t the best Christmas present ever.

‘It was for you doctor, there’s nobody else.’ I felt her smile against me, and I turned my head towards her, kissing her gently, savouring every touch, every moment of this new found time I had with her.

Slowly, I deepened the kiss, her arms wrapping round me like a reflex, bringing me closer to her.

There was so much of this that I had thought about, that I had tried to get myself to stop thinking about, that the reality of it made me feel almost giddy and as I felt her pull away I was glad of a moment to gather my composure.

‘Wow.’ Her voice was quiet and I stole another kiss, the feeling of her lips on mine so new, so foreign yet so comforting that I couldn’t get enough of it and after a second she returned the favour, kissing me again.

‘Do you think they’re asleep?’ My voice was a whisper but she nodded, and I took her hand in mine, undoing the door and slowly leading the way to my room. 

I was not the kind of person that normally did this, but though I could feel the nerves building in my chest I knew that anything I had with the doctor was not going to be some kind of fling, that whatever happened on the other side of that door meant something.

I sat on the bed with her, nervous, and went to let go of her hand, not sure what to do with myself after my brief burst of assertiveness, but instead her hand gripped mine tighter.

‘Talk to me, Yaz?’ Her head flopped back against the bed and I joined her, glad of a moment to gather my thoughts.

‘About what?’ I asked, and heard her snort - as if there were numerous things that could possibly have been on the agenda.

‘How long…?’ She didn’t finish the sentence but instead rolled over, her eyes on me as I watched the light dance across the ceiling.

’Since the beginning.’ It felt so alien to be being so honest, but it didn’t feel like there was any reason to hide anything form her.

I bit my lip, not sure I wanted to know the answer vice versa.

‘What about you?’ I turned to look her in the eye.

‘When did you think…?’ I smiled a little, scared that maybe this was more a one way thing than I had thought, but then her eyes softened and she brought her hand over to my shoulder, playing with the stupid jumper that I still had on.

She looked down for a second as she answered.

‘Probably about the same.’ She looked back at me and I knew she meant it, wondering how she had managed to play it so cool whereas my insides were aflame every time she so much as brushed past me.

‘So… now what?’ She asked, scrunching up her nose in that way that was so very her, a way that made my heart beat just that little bit faster every single time.

‘Doctor, I don’t know. This is all,’ I couldn’t help but gesture around a little bit wildly, ‘new to me. I don’t want to mess it up.’

‘Hey,’ She clasped my hands to her, ‘who said anything about messing it up?’ 

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth and I gave in, watching as she scooched a little closer to me.

Her voice was so soft, so sincere, that I didn’t know what to do next, how to tell her that this whole thing had made my head spin, in the very best of ways, that I wasn’t sure what more I could give her right now, but just the feel of her next to me was enough to bring tears to my eyes.

I tucked some of the loose hair behind her ear before kissing her forehead, looking into her eyes. 

A part of me wanted her, so so badly, but it almost felt like a case of you can’t have your cake and eat it too and I was so scared of losing this moment that it was all I could do not to just keep looking at her watching me, the kindness in her eyes so obvious. 

‘Trust me?’ She asked, still looking at me, and without a hesitation I nodded.

She pulled me up to standing by my hand and grabbed two baggy shirts that I used to sleep in out of my cupboard before throwing her shirt off. The abandon with which she did so could evidently only come from having had 12 previous bodies and I realised when she looked at me that the idea of shyness hadn’t really even occurred to her, I, on the other hand, was now a bright shade of red.

My feet moved with an agenda of their own as she looked at me, the jumper laying in a heap at her feet, her chest rising and falling as she took a breath and I ran a hand across her collarbones, my eyes still on hers as she smiled at me.

The only thought that kept running through my mind was that of how beautiful she looked and as she ran her finger along the hem of my jumper I wasn’t even nervous, lifting my arms as she pulled it off over my head.

‘I was going to suggest something more… relaxed.’ Even as she finished the sentence she didn’t sound sure of herself and I followed her gaze to the shirts that now lay abandoned on the bed.  
I nodded for a second before placing my hands on her hips, smiling as she leant in to kiss me.

My body was yearning to be close to hers and I pulled her tighter against me, my skin burning on contact with hers. 

Part of this felt so surreal and I ran a hand down her back, relishing the solidity of it, the fact that she was really there, that she was with me.

‘Yaz?’ I paused for a second, taking in a deep breath, ready for the revelation that this was where it ended, that there was to be nothing more.

‘Come here,’ She led me back over to the bed, turning back the covers before patting the space beside her, tucking my body in close to hers.

I kissed her again, the disbelief at her wanting me being replaced by the love that I felt for her.

Gently I slid my hand up her back, waiting for a nod from her before unhooking her bra, kissing her again as I threw it to one side before getting rid of the rest of our clothes, the only thing left to remain being our underwear.

I ran my hand over her body, mapping every inch of it, relishing the fact that I had the chance to do so. 

Her skin was so soft beneath my hands that I stayed where I was, finally able to piece together the events of the afternoon in my mind as I smiled at the sight of her next to me in the dim light of the room.

‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ I could feel her hand on my stomach, resting there as mine drifted up and down her side, as if to keep checking that she was still there.  
‘I know.’ She whispered and I felt her leg coil round me, snuggling up to me.

‘Yaz, can we just enjoy this for now? No more yet?’ I nodded, her head pressed into my shoulder. There was no mistaking how much we wanted each other, but I knew what she meant, it had been a whirlwind of a day and even to just sit like this felt like a bliss that I didn’t deserve.

‘Merry Christmas, doctor.’ 

‘Merry Christmas, Yaz.’ She kissed my cheek and I brought my hand down her arm, finding her hand and holding it as I turned over, the two of us slotting together like puzzles pieces as we snuggled under the covers, enjoying the warmth of her body against mine.


	22. Christmas (3)

I felt her hand reach over me as I opened my eyes and for a second I froze before remembering where I was. 

As I rolled over I realised that she was still asleep, pulling me to her without even thinking, and a smile spread across my face. 

It was Christmas day and we were together, in that moment nothing could have felt more right.

‘Hey,’ My voice was soft but she began to stir anyway and I knew that I couldn’t wait another moment, desperate to share with her the happiness that I felt at being with her.

I watched as she went through the same process that I had just done, wondering where she was, her face freezing before seeing me, relaxing, a blush dusting the top of her cheeks as she looked at me. 

‘Hey,’ She replied, her voice hoarse from sleep and I felt my heart dance in my chest.

There was a moment of awkwardness, not quite knowing where we stood with each other until I felt her hand tentatively wrap back round me, pulling herself level with me as she snuggled a little closer.

‘What time is it?’ She asked and I rolled over to check. 

‘Seven.’ She nodded in response, looking a little tired.

‘I wonder if you’ve been on Santa’s nice list…’ I smiled at her as I spoke, realising my mistake as she sat bolt upright in the bed.

‘Christmas day!’ It was half question, half statement and I watched her hair flop over her face as she got up, taking my hand. 

‘Come on!’ I had been all set to snuggle back under the covers, hoping for a replay of last night but the excitement on her face would have been enough to convince me to do almost anything and so I got up, realising all too soon that she was intending on leaving the room just as she was - underwear her only garment. 

‘Doctor?’ I raised an eyebrow, throwing her some of my pyjamas. 

She looked down and nodded, putting them on as I did the same before she grabbed my hand again.

‘Ryan? Graham?’ She knocked on the doors as we ran down the corridor, our laughter ringing out behind us and I marvelled at how this could be the same woman I was with last night, the one who kissed me with such passion.

The light of the tree sparkled against the glitter of the wrapping paper on the presents, giving the room a magical glow and I hung back a bit, watching the scene unfold as first the doctor and then Ryan hopped up the steps, picking each of their parcels up in turn, inspecting them.

‘You alright, Yaz?’ Graham’s hand was on my shoulder and I nodded, suddenly too overcome with happiness to be able to do much else. 

‘Sleep well?’ I could hear the smile in his voice and I turned towards him too quickly to then be able to proclaim my innocence successfully, but I tried anyway.

‘Yep. I was tired.’ 

‘Nice pyjamas the docs got on.’ With one hand he squeezed my shoulder before walking off and I stood, open mouthed, in his wake. 

‘Come on, Yaz…’ The doctor’s voice was enough to draw me away from my thoughts.

‘Coming,’ I called, walking towards her, slightly in a daze.

‘You okay?’ Her eyes were filled with concern and I wondered if she’d overheard what Graham had just said. As much as I tried to make it sound better in my head I was sure that there was no way that he could have meant anything else by that - he definitely knew. 

I could see his eyes on the pair of us, and he smiled as he saw me. I gave a grin back, slightly unsure of myself, but he didn’t seem angry, he didn’t seem to be making any judgements at all… If I wasn’t mistaken, he was happy for us, and that made my heart soar.

He gave me a nod before beginning to unwrap his presents, me smiling as the doctor began to do the same with one addressed to her. 

‘Better go and check on things in the kitchen,’ Said Graham after a little while and we all nodded sleepily, already enjoying mountains of chocolate.

‘Sure - do you need a hand?’ He shook his head at me, turning instead to Ryan.

‘You’ll help me, won’t you?’ Ryan nodded after a moments pause and Graham left the two of us alone again, definitely on purpose.

‘I still have your present in my room,’ I said, after a few moments silence, and I watched as the doctor’s eyebrows rose halfway up her forehead.

‘Not like that!’ I squealed, pulling one of the pillows off of the sofa and throwing it in her direction.

‘Come on,’ I grabbed her hand, pulling her off the sofa. 

The distance between us suddenly seemed awkward and even though part of me wanted to pull her closer to me again, kiss her, I didn’t have the courage and I dropped her hand as we walked down the corridor.

‘What are you thinking?’ She covered my hand with hers, the laughter gone from her eyes.

‘Graham knows you were with me last night. I mean, he doesn’t know if we did anything… or if we’re…’ My words came out in a tumble and I wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence, realising that I didn’t really know what we were, either. 

After a second she nodded, her face impassive.

‘What does he think?’ She squinted as she seemed to think through all the possible outcomes of this, before pushing the door to my room open and letting us inside, closing it behind us.

‘He just knows that you’re wearing my pyjamas, I think…’ I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, make her think that I was overthinking things - even though heaven knows I hadn’t thought about anything else - and I definitely didn’t want to make things awkward.

‘I think he’s happy, for whatever it is that this is…’ She nodded again, some of the tension relaxing out of her face as she did so.

‘And what about you?’ Her eyes met mine for the first time since we had stood up and I wondered what she meant.

‘What about me, what?’ 

‘How do you feel?’ I bit at my lip, not sure how to best answer it. I knew the doctor well, I wanted to tell her how I was really feeling, to share at least with her the excitement that was now bubbling away in my chest without ceasing, but somehow it didn’t feel right - as though I could somehow jeopardise things by being a bit too forward, that didn’t seem how someone would normally do this - not that I had much experience with relationships anyway.

It occurred to me that this relationship in it’s entirety was bound to be a little less than ordinary and I might as well give up any pretence of trying to make it so.

‘Doctor, I feel beyond excited. I don’t want to ruin this, I don’t know what this is but, I want you doctor. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I already know I never will again. Doc, you’re brilliant.’   
The smile that crossed her face was one of pure relief and I couldn’t help but smile back.

‘Here,’ I reached under the bed and brought out her present, tucking my hair behind my ear, a little awkward.

The wrapping paper was already on the floor, the doc practically bouncing as she stood up, wrapping the scarf once and then twice around her neck.

‘Yaz, it’s perfect.’ She twirled round once before grabbing my hand.

The scarf itself was knitted, a rainbow of colours and it definitely suited her. As I stood she wrapped it around my neck too, pulling me a little closer to her.

‘Oh Yaz, how did we end up here…’ There was nothing sad in her voice, just a sense of wonder and I felt it too, realising that in the whole entire universe if even one thing had changed then we would never have met. 

My forehead rested against hers as we stood there, gently leaning down and placing my lips on hers. 

‘Perfect.’ She whispered, about me, or the scarf, I didn’t know. 

Walking back we found Ryan already having helped Graham, the lunch well on it’s way to being done.

‘Shall we set the table?’ I called out, keen to divert the attention away from the fact that the doctor and I had been missing in action for the last few minutes.

‘Thanks,’ Graham called out and we set about placing the knives and forks down.

‘Crackers!’ The doctor had the box in her hands and I began wrestling them off her.

‘Not till the food, you.’ I jabbed at her ribs, tickling her before rescuing the crackers and laying one in each space.

Every time I looked at her I smiled more, the sheer enjoyment that she was obviously getting from our company enough to make my day in and of itself.

By the time the food was cooked we were all ravenous again and we piled our plates high.

‘Thanks Graham!’ We chorused, seated round a small table.

‘Crackers?’ The doctor asked again, crossing arms as we created a chain, the noise of their popping all at once filling the room.

‘Come here,’ I placed the hat on her head, straightening it.

Her nose scrunched up and I felt her hand on my thigh under the table, my gaze flicking back to my plate in an effort to keep a straight face.

‘What even is this?’ My gaze went back to the doctor, who was now eyeing up a red piece of plastic between her fingers.

‘A fortune telling fish.’ Ryan volunteered, taking it from her grasp.

‘What’s in my fortune, fish.’ She directed her words at the fish, and there was a moment of silence before we all wet ourselves laughing.

‘Hold out your hand, doctor.’ I said, recovering my composure enough to take the fish and lay it on her palm.

She eyed it suspiciously, watching as the ends of it curled up.

‘Still hasn’t told me much, I could tell you tales of the future that would make your toes curl…’ She said again to the fish, before looking back up at Ryan as he fished the paper out of the cracker.

‘Moving head and tail - you’re in love.’ His eyebrows waggled jokingly, and the doctor and I very obviously avoided each other’s gaze as she dropped the fish back to the table. 

The rest of the day passed in a blur of food and relaxing and by the evening the doctor and I were happily curled up on the sofa, Ryan sat on the floor in front of us and Graham opposite. 

‘Merry Christmas, gang. Thanks for such a wonderful day.’ Her hand squeezed mine and I looked up at her, the love in her eyes so obvious it made mine tear up.

I squeezed her hand again, planting a little kiss on the back of it when I was sure no one was looking.

‘Merry Christmas, doctor.’ I whispered, nuzzling closer to her.


	23. Puppy Eyes

'Hey? What you up to?’ She flopped down on to the sofa next to me and I smiled over to her. The post Christmas lull in excitement so obviously taking its toll on her. 

'Not a lot.’ I showed her my phone screen, an endless stream of other people's Christmases. 

'You okay?’  

'Tired,’ She smiled, flopping her head into my lap as we sat there, me still scrolling and her spinning the sonic screwdriver between her fingers.

‘Wait, what's that?’ She looked up at the screen, watching me open some of my Snapchats.

'Just messages.’ Already she was sat back up, eyes on the screen as a person with dog ears wished me a merry Christmas.

Her gaze flicked over to me, and I swiped off the message, turning the camera on her, a smile already on my face.

She said nothing her whole face turning into a smile and watching as the tongue flew out of her virtual mouth, her grip on my thigh tightening as she got more excited. 

‘Come here,’ I brought the phone back up to eye level as she shifted to my side, her head on my shoulder, the two of us now sporting puppy ears on the screen.

The laughter bubbled up out of her as she fell backwards onto the sofa with the effort of it with and I couldn't help but join in as well. 

'Have you seriously not seen this before?’ I smiled as she nudged closer to me, our cheeks touching as she swiped through the filters, coming to rest on the one that made little love hearts spiral up from our heads

She shook her head at me before continuing.

‘No, in all of time and space the only species that wants… wait, is that a dinosaur?’ She raised an eyebrow at me.

‘The only species that wants a dinosaur photo of themselves is humans…’ She looked at me seriously before smiling again, as though maybe we were the ones that had the right idea, after all.

'This is literally the best,’ She looked at my cheek, as if half expecting the filter to actually be there.

‘You’re just something else,’ I laughed, wrapping an arm round her as I took a few more photos, knowing that they would be something that I would treasure for a long time to come. 

Her arms wrapped around my waist, one last effort at a good photo as she scrunched her nose up, wriggling it and I couldn’t help but turn to watch her in real life, knowing she had no idea how beautiful she was.


	24. Picnic (1)

‘Come on,’ Her lips grazed my cheek before she grabbed my hand, pulling me along through the field.

It had been two weeks since we had officially started dating, not that anyone else knew, but this was the first time that we had gotten properly to ourselves, not just sneaking away, hiding in spare rooms of the Tardis.

I looked around me, the fields a vibrant shade of green, the weather hot enough to ditch our jackets but not yet having scorched the tops of the blades of grass. It seemed strange so soon after Christmas to be in the height of Summer, but that was the magic of the doctor and her Tardis - she really could do almost anything.

I grinned, spinning around as I followed on behind her, her excitement having gotten the better of her as she broke free from my hand and ran on ahead. 

‘Here?’ Her arms were outstretched as she gestured to a particularly nice looking bit of grass and I nodded.

‘Perfect,’ I called back, catching up with her and laying out the blanket from the top of our basket.

I couldn’t help but notice the way she plonked herself down beside me, as though she hadn’t a care in the world, and I squinted my gaze against the sun to keep watching as she lied down, hands behind her head.

‘I can’t believe we’ve got the whole day to ourselves,’ She rolled over and I smiled, noticing how she was fidgeting already.

‘I know, picnic packed, sun shining, we couldn’t exactly have asked for a better first date…’ Between the two of us her fingers found mine and we linked our hands together, watching as the clouds passed overhead. 

‘What are you thinking?’ Her eyes were back on me and I rolled over to meet her gaze.

‘Just how happy I am to be here with you,’ The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I smiled sheepishly, before seeing the grin on her face light up.

I could never understand how the doctor could be so old, so wise, yet at times like this all that seemed to melt away, the hard exterior that must have formed over so many years melting away to reveal someone who would light up at the tiniest compliment, would blush at a single look from across the room. 

‘What about you?’ I smiled back, bringing our hands up between us and brushing my lips against the back of hers.

There really wasn’t a soul about and it felt like in that moment we were in our own private universe, a feeling I was happy to relish.

‘Pretty much the same,’ She gave me a goofy smile before continuing, ‘and wondering what’s in the picnic basket.’ 

As if on a cue her stomach rumbled and I giggled, pulling away from her to empty out the contents of our feast on to the blanket.

‘Just a few essentials,’ I counted out a couple of packets of custard creams as well as some fish finger sandwiches and a few bits of fruit - a token gesture at healthiness.

I turned round in time to catch her watching me and blushed.

‘What?’ I tried my best at innocence as I shrugged my shoulders and she smiled again, as she reached over towards me, her hand moving behind me until she brought back a little pink flower, tucking it behind my ear and holding her hand there just a fraction longer than was necessary.

Her nose scrunched up as she leant forward, now on her hands and knees in front of me and I bit my lip before moving to meet her halfway, my hands on either side of her face as I leant in to kiss her.

‘Wow,’ I whispered as she moved away, already craving the feeling of her lips on mine again, watching as the smile that was on her lips reached her eyes and she pushed herself back, sitting down again.

When we’d first started this I couldn’t get over the fear that it wouldn’t last, that what had started as a spur of the moment kiss would fizz out, at least for her, just as quick as it had started. For me it had been building for months, a tidal wave of emotion building to the point that I knew that it would have to reach a crescendo, and I couldn’t have been more glad that it had worked out the way that it had. I had never expected for her to so much as notice me, let alone love me in the way that was becoming so evident. It was like I was one star out of the millions and yet she still saw me, still thought me worthy of appreciating.

I unwrapped the sandwiches, glad for something to do with my hands as I gathered at least a little bit of composure. She knew exactly what she did to me when she did things like that, and I knew she loved it, but, surprising as it was, I could have exactly the same effect on her and we both knew it. We were each other’s weaknesses and the excitement of that at times became almost too much to bear.

‘Sandwich?’ I passed one over to her casually, as though my whole body wasn’t alight at the way she looked at me, my mind racing with the things she said in that one kiss and for a few minutes we ate in silence, sneaking glances at each other as we sat cross-legged on the blanket.

Soon I was stuffed, picking at the food with no real intention of eating any more, and I picked up another one of the grapes, looking back up to her and throwing it towards her. A little too late she lunged for it, nearly losing her balance, and I tried to hide my laughter as I picked up another one, throwing it in a slow arc across the blanket, clapping as she caught it perfectly.

‘Your turn,’ She stuck out her tongue, grabbing a fistful of grapes before throwing one at me. 

Luckily, I caught it first time and I wiggled my eyebrows in return, game on.

I took another grape, threw it high in the air and caught it again - a victory lap.

Within seconds it had become a battle and it wasn’t until all the grapes were gone, most eaten, some lost in the long grass, that we settled back down again, my belly aching from too much food and laughter.

Her head came to rest in my lap and I tentatively brought a hand up to her hair, running my fingers through it as she turned her gaze towards me. 

‘Shall we stay here forever?’ I whispered, twisting strands of her hair around my fingers.

‘I’ve no objection,’ Her voice was soft and I bent my head to hers, stealing another kiss before she decided to move again. 

I heard the sound of people before I saw them, emerging from a cluster of trees opposite us, and despite the fact that I was definitely not embarrassed to be with the doctor I felt myself stiffen slightly, as though I was somehow preparing for trouble. 

Her hand on my thigh was enough to remind me to relax and I covered it with my own, watching as they passed.

‘Yaz?’ I continued to watch them for a second before turning to her voice.

‘Mmm?’ I committed to nothing and she raised an eyebrow, a look that I was soon coming to realise meant that she wasn’t about to drop the subject.

‘I’m just enjoying our time alone,’ We both knew that wasn’t the whole truth, but she didn’t push it any further, for which I was glad.

It wasn’t that I thought there was anything wrong with what we were doing, in fact, there was part of me that wanted to sing it from the rooftops, the happiness I felt only tainted slightly by the fact that I wasn’t able to share it with anyone, the fact that I felt awkward about how I was going to tell my parents about it, the fact that I didn’t know if I ever would. 

I knew I loved her, I knew that that love was as true and never-ending as anyone else’s could ever have been, and most of the time, that was all that mattered, but sometimes I couldn’t help but feel a little awkward about it, as though it became less real because people didn’t know about it. 

Her hand was warm against mine as she squeezed it, and I knew she understood, even if I hadn’t explained it all.

‘Come on,’ She stood up and pulled me up with her, scooping everything back into the basket.

‘I’m going to go and put these away and then we can go and explore.’ I knew it was all a tactic to stop me from thinking too much, and I also knew it would work, her ability to distract me rivalled by nothing else.

‘Sounds good to me.’ I smiled, watching as she began to wander back the way we’d come, her body silhouetted against the sun.


	25. Picnic (2)

Within moments she was back again, a grin spreading from ear to ear as she linked her arm with mine and we walked on.

The field gave way to some sparse woods and under her guidance we followed the path round to the right. For a few moments we walked in silence, the fact that we were there together enough to keep us both happy and her grip loosened a little as her hand fell, hanging by her side before taking mine in hers.

‘What is it?’ She squinted against the sun, now behind me, and I debated pretending I hadn’t heard her, even though I knew I couldn’t do that to her.

‘I wish it was easier.’ She nodded, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

‘One day,’ Her voice was quiet, tired, as though she knew exactly what I meant, and despite the fact that it was difficult to keep walking I leant my head on her shoulder, my arm snaking round her waist.

‘For now, we’ll just have to enjoy what we can.’ I knew she was right and my face lit up as she kissed my cheek again, the simplicity of the gesture completely overshadowed by the effect that she had on me.

‘For example,’ She broke away from my arms and I looked up from my shoes which I had been watching scuff along the ground as we walked.

‘This…’ In front of us was a massive wooden children’s play park, and I wondered whether she’d planned this, but the pure surprise and joy on her face told me otherwise and I laughed as she pulled herself up on the monkey bars, hooking her legs over the top and letting her head hang, her shirt falling to reveal the skin of her stomach.

I took a few steps closer, the wood around us dense, no one else anywhere nearby.

By now she was high up, her head, still upside down, at my eye level and I watched her coat billow around her.

‘How old are you?’ I joked, watching as she got out her fingers, pretending to count.

‘Old enough to be very good at the monkey bars?’ She offered, and I stood in front of her so I was level with her, kissing her gently before stepping to one side, mostly certain that what I was about to do would work.

I jumped, my hands grasping the bar above my head as I pulled my legs up above me, joining her upside down. 

I could feel all the blood rushing to my head, but even through it I turned to see her grinning at me as I pulled the rest of my body up above my feet and knees, sitting on top of the bars before moving onwards, further up the climbing frame to a little platform a few feet higher in the air.

‘Catch me if you can,’ I called out behind me, the thrill of the chase already coursing through my body as I heard her move forwards, her fingertips grazing my ankle as I moved off again.

There was something about the doctor that gave me the security to behave like this, safe in the knowledge that we were both looking out for each other, and I turned to watch her catch up with me, my feet dangling over the edge of the platform. 

‘Got you.’ She hopped down next to me, watching as our feet swung in time, grins plastered to both of our faces as we caught our breath. 

The sun was lower in the sky and even though I didn’t know what time it was the sadness that I felt at knowing that we would have to go back was beginning to rise. 

‘Wait here,’ I turned to her, placing a hand on her head to steady myself as I hopped down on to a ladder and on to the floor.

‘Where are you going?’ I could hear the intrigue in her voice as she called out but I continued to walk, knowing she hadn’t moved, and I smiled at the fact that she’d listened to me.

‘Just trust me,’ I called back. 

It wasn’t long before I found what I was looking for and I gathered the daisies up in my hands, gently placing a few in my pocket as I already began my work on the way back. 

As I approached, I laid the half-finished daisy chain into my pocket, hauling myself back up next to her as she crossed her legs to face me.

I held out a finger to silence her questions as I continued my work, knowing she was watching me as I finished off the chain and placed it on her head, a crown fit for a queen. 

Her whole face crumpled up in delight and she put her hands to her head tentatively, her nose wrinkling as she gave me a look which quite clearly told me that she felt like the queen of the castle.

‘What about you?’ Her eyes were already scouring the ground for more daisies, but I shook my head.

‘I think one crown is enough between us, I’ve got some more daisies if you want to have make a chain though…’ I fished the slightly squished daisies out of my pocket and tipped them into the space between us, waiting a moment before realising that she hadn’t picked any of them up.

It occurred to me that it may have been a while since the doc was making daisy chains and I set about making another chain of my own, slowly and deliberately, giving her time to watch and copy as she got into the swing of it.

Within minutes she’d made a bracelet which she then put on me, the smile from earlier still lingering on her lips.

‘I’m really glad we got today, and I know things aren’t perfect…’ Her gaze dropped to the floor and I felt my shoulders sag, annoyed that I’d ever mentioned it.

‘But, they’re pretty damn close,’ I finished for her, smiling as she looked over at me.

‘I’ve got an idea, follow me.’ I watched as she did the monkey bars back towards the way we’d come and it took a second for my brain to catch up, coordinating my limbs into making me move as I watched her figure and the way she moved her body across the space, the knot in my stomach tightening as I watched her.

‘Come on,’ She called, and I hopped down to catch up, pretending that I hadn’t just been watching her.

‘Where are we going?’ Within a few strides we were walking in step again and as we rounded the corner I saw the Tardis and wondered if that meant we were heading back, our day officially over.

I hung back for a second as she opened the door, peering round the corner as she fiddled with something on the inside. 

Music filled the space around us and I raised an eyebrow, now completely unsure what her intentions were.

‘Doctor?’ I looked behind us, people now heading in our direction, and I stepped inside the Tardis.

‘They can’t hear us,’ She didn’t look up from the controls as she worked on them, and I stepped back out, taking a few steps back before realising that when I got further away the music stopped, didn’t fade out. Just stopped.

After a few seconds of stepping in and out of the bubble of sound I jogged back to the doctor.

She looked up, finally finished with what she was doing, and took my hand, leading me back outside.

‘They can’t hear or see us, it’s just you and me.’ The music softened, a slower song, and she smiled.

‘Honest. We won’t be interrupted.’ She nodded, trying to convince me, and it worked. I took a step closer to her, the light dim as the sun set and she held an arm out, twirling me round before holding me to her. 

‘Because every good date has dancing,’ She kissed the hollow beneath my ear and I felt her body press against mine.

My eyes darted to the people to the left of us, walking past, hands held, oblivious to us. 

It felt so good to have that fear gone, knowing that one day we would face it, but that today didn’t have to be that day if we weren’t ready - if I wasn’t ready. 

‘Thank you,’ I whispered, more into her hair than anything else, and we swayed against the music, a lump forming in my throat as I realised just how well she knew me, how much she understood.

‘For what?’ She sounded genuinely perplexed and I smiled.

‘For everything, for this, for being here, for loving me.’

‘Always, Yaz. Always.’ A tear slid down my cheek and I held her tighter, not enough words in the world to explain how lucky I knew I was in that moment.


	26. Shower (1)

‘Doctor?’ My voice was met by silence as I wandered down the corridor towards our room. She had said a few minutes ago that she was going to go and get ready for bed, but had since disappeared.

I pulled open the door to our bedroom, my eyes searching the room for her before giving up, deciding I’d follow her lead and get ready too. I picked up my pyjamas, desperate for the loo and happy to get changed in the bathroom.

Things between the doctor and I had seemed strange recently, slightly strained, as though something was shifting between us and I wasn’t all that sure where I stood with her.

Gone were the days when we could talk for hours, our conversations now mainly consisting of lengthy looks across the room and me trying to work out what she was thinking, it was enough to drive me mad, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I pulled the door closed as carried on walking down the corridor.

‘You okay?’ Ryan called out, already seated in front of the television.

‘Yeah, you haven’t seen the doctor, have you?’ I leant on the doorway as I watched him, waiting as he shook his head before shrugging my shoulders and setting off again.

‘No worries,’ I called out behind me.

I called her name again as I rounded the corner but silence was the only thing that greeted me. It was strange really, how quiet it felt after having been with the gang all day, it was as though someone had turned the volume down on everything, but it did give me time to gather my thoughts as I walked on.

I knew at some point that I would need to talk to the doctor about whatever was going on between us, but it felt like to put a label on the situation would make it into a bigger thing than it really had to be, something I was not in a hurry to do.

It had started soon after we first met, as my mind got more and more tangled up in the adventures we were having, somehow unable to distinguish between the excitement I felt for them and the excitement that began to build at being able to spend more and more time in her presence.

It wasn’t until my mother had called me out on it that I really realised that what I felt for her was passing the boundaries of friendship, that for the first time, I was beginning to understand the films I’d watched, the books I’d read about romance. It had just come in a way that I didn’t expect.

After calling out once more I gave up on looking for her, knowing that she would be back soon, now really desperate for the toilet. I took a left turn, already feeling a little smug that I was beginning to know where things were in the Tardis.

A few steps down the corridor I pushed open the bathroom door, steam greeting me as I did so. 

All at once I realised that the room was not empty and without thinking I turned towards the shower, stricken by the fact that she was stood there, somehow still unable to tear myself away as my eyes slid down her body and as much as I wanted to I couldn’t force myself to move in one direction or the other.

Somehow this seemed entirely at odds with the woman that I knew, to see her naked, so vulnerable, the water dripping down her body. A knot formed in my stomach and I gulped. 

The sound of the shower the only thing I could hear - and even that paled into insignificance compared to the beating of my heart.

And still my brain didn’t connect to my limbs. I felt the fabric of the clothes I had been holding slip through my fingers, watched as the doctor’s eyes widened and was rooted to the spot as she took a step forwards, reaching out and picking up a towel which she wrapped around herself.

Finally, I found my voice.  
‘The door, not locked.’ Her expression went from embarrassment to her signature goofy grin and I suddenly remembered myself, my gaze flying down to the floor even though we were both all too aware of what I’d just seen.

‘I thought I’d locked it,’ Her voice was quiet, the conversation fast becoming a game of stating the obvious and I couldn’t wait to get out of the room, my face burning up as I stood there.

‘Right,’ I beat my limbs into submission, the focus of moving one leg in front of the other enough to keep my brain from doing anything else as my hand felt for the door behind me.

I nigh on slammed the door behind me and leant against it, focusing on taking one breath after the other I closed my eyes for a second before I realised that all I could see was her body tattooed against the back of my eyelids. 

It had been a massive invasion of privacy, if only an accidental one, and I marched myself back to our bedroom, all the while trying to pull my mind away from what I had just seen. 

It certainly wasn’t that I wanted to un-see it, but I had been trying so hard to keep things normal between us, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye now, possibly for the rest of eternity.

Without so much as undressing I slid under the duvet, smoothing it out in front of me in an effort to give my shaking hands something to do.

Taking a deep breath I stared resolutely at the ceiling, listening to the rapid beat of my heart which was still playing in my ears.

I heard the creak of the door next to me but still refrained from moving my head, knowing my cheeks were already aglow with another blush.

‘Hiya.’ Her voice was falsely bright as she closed the door and I wondered if she was still in the towel, I squeezed my eyes shut.

‘Hi,’ My voice was a squeak and I dug my nails into my palms, knowing I’d have to turn to face her sooner or later.

‘Hi.’ I repeated, at a pitch that didn’t sound like a bat. 

‘You alright?’ There was concern in her eyes and I opened my mouth to respond before closing it, not sure enough of myself to continue.

After a moment of silence I tried again, knowing I had to get it out of the way.

‘About earlier, just now, obviously I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, literally doctor, I’d just been asking where you were… I didn’t know…’ I ran out of steam and sat up, turning to face her properly before realising that she was still in the towel from earlier, her hair slightly curly from the water.

Internally I groaned, well aware that my eyes were on stalks and that I was pretty much powerless to do anything about it. As usual, her mere presence had me overcome with an emotion that I could barely name, let alone control. 

I focused on eye contact, trying my best not to think about her collarbones jutting out just above the fluffy cream towel, or the fact that she was now using one end of the towel to dry her hair, the other perilously close to coming loose as she did so.

‘Not your fault,’ Her voice was soft and I nodded, knowing that to do anything else would give away entirely how I was feeling - if I hadn’t already succeeded in doing that anyway.

‘Yaz?’ 

Against my better judgement I started to talk again, standing up as I did so. 

‘I just, you know doctor I really didn’t mean to and I was just, I needed the loo. But I didn’t look, I didn’t see anything…’ I visibly winced, willing myself to stop talking. 

‘Yaz…’ She held a hand out, squeezing my shoulder before looking down at the floor. 

‘It’s fine, seriously.’ She stepped back again, but I couldn’t stop looking at her, knowing that there had been more that she had been about to say.

‘What?’ My voice came out as little more than a whisper and part of me hoped that she wouldn’t answer, that she’d pretend not to have heard. 

‘When you saw me… you… what’s going on between us, Yaz?’ As her eyes met mine it was like my stomach fell through the floor. 

She looked up at me from underneath those lashes of hers and I took a deep breath, knowing that there was no way I was hiding this any longer, even though I was going to try.

‘Doctor… please, we’re friends, aren’t we?’ 

‘Don’t give me that.’ There was a stoniness to her voice that struck me like a whip but when she spoke again it was gone, as though squashed back in a box.

‘No, Yaz, we’re not.’ My gaze snapped to her and I felt every muscle in my body contract simultaneously, coiling like a spring as the panic rose inside me.

‘Friends don’t look at each other the way we do, they don’t think about each other every minute of every day, spend time thinking of excuses to spend more time together. In all my time in this universe no friend has ever made me feel like I do when I’m with you, like a teenager, like anything is possible. If this is friendship, then I’ve never had a friend before. And trust me, I have. This is something way beyond that, and it scares me.’ 

I couldn’t believe how quickly the words were flying from her mouth, how much she was suddenly admitting.

I closed the distance between us, brushing away a solitary tear that was rolling down her cheek.

‘I don’t understand it, Yaz. When you saw me, just now… I know you feel it too.’ 

‘You’re right.’ I smiled a little, a nervous smile, my brain still catching up with the implications of her words.

‘Do you want to understand?’ The distance between us felt like nothing but I was desperate to close it further, needing only the nod which she provided to find the courage to do so.

Slowly I put a hand on her cheek, leaning in, my lips against hers.

It was like the room melted away and I felt her hands against me, holding us both steady, painfully aware that the weight of my body against hers was the only thing keeping her towel from falling to the floor. 

I pulled back again, one hand under her chin, bringing her gaze up to mine.

‘Now do you understand?’ It was like everything I had wanted to tell her for the past few months had culminated into this one moment, as if there was nothing else between us that needed to be said and as she nodded in front of me I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders, very aware that from now on, everything would change.


	27. Shower (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mature and whatnot, read appropriately ;)

Yet again I smoothed the duvet out over the top of me, looking at the ceiling to avoid any unwanted eye contact. I could still feel my body tingling after the kiss form earlier, but once I had stepped away I had felt awkward and, not knowing what to do as the doctor moved away to get changed, I had tried my best to ignore it, getting in to bed. 

It had been about an hour since, and neither of us had said anything. I couldn’t work out what she was thinking, feeling, whether my best option was to stay quiet or to talk it through with her, part of me just couldn’t handle the fact that she had said nothing more, which could in my mind, only be a bad thing. 

I squeezed my eyes tight shut and it was like I could still feel her lips on mine, the way her hands had held me. 

‘Yaz, are you awake?’ Her voice cut across the silence, my guilt enough to make me jump.

‘Yes,’ I whispered back, rolling over to face her.

The room itself was almost dark apart from the stars which adorned the ceiling, like children’s glow in the dark stars, I’d always thought, but they seemed to give off their own light, they were beautiful and always gave the room a soft glow.

The side of her face was illuminated by them and I could see a small smile tug at the corner of her lips as she saw me roll over.

‘Can we talk?’ She asked, and I nodded before realising that maybe she hadn’t seen me.

‘Of course,’ I answered, tucking one hand under my head so I could see her better.

She was wearing a big baggy shirt and I wondered who it used to belong to, pushing the thought to one side as she started to talk again.

‘Earlier…’ She spoke slowly, and I wondered how long she had spent thinking through what she was going to say, 

‘I’m sorry I was so terse with you… I just don’t want to lose you, Yaz. I’m so desperate not to ruin this.’ 

I couldn’t believe how scared she sounded, how much this obviously meant to her.

I reached a hand out in the space that was between us, watching as she did the same, clasping mine as I squeezed hers.

‘Doctor. How could you possibly be scared?’ The idea of her, so in control, so wonderful, being worried about something like this, that I could mean as much to her as that suggested, was completely foreign to me, and way beyond my comprehension. 

‘Me? Yaz, I’m scared of everything! I’m scared of what I’ve seen, what I’ve done, who I am! And most of all Yaz, I’m scared of losing you, of you walking out of here and me never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.’ 

It was like the air had been sucked out of the room, like there was nothing left for me to breath, and I watched as her eyes widened, as though she herself was surprised by the intensity of her own words.

The urge to comfort her was too much and I peeled back the bedsheets, still holding on to her hand with one of mine as I wriggled over to the other side of the bed, holding my breath for a second as she froze momentarily, before getting up. 

The shirt hung loosely around her, stopping midway down her thigh, her hair tucked behind her ears and slightly fuzzy from having been lying down. 

It was enough to have made me weak at the knees and I was glad that I was lying down as I took in the sheer beauty of the woman before me, her toes scrunched against the carpet before she took a step towards me, sliding into the space I had made for her. 

‘Come here,’ I brought an arm round her, her body warm against mine and she brought her head over my shoulder, a fistful of my shirt grasped in her hands as I pulled her closer to me.

‘It’s okay,’ I rubbed circles on her back, not knowing how I could possibly explain to her that I felt exactly the same about her, that there was no way I was every going anywhere that she wasn’t.

‘Doctor, I’m not going anywhere. Not without you. I’ve never met anyone that makes me feel like you do, and I never will again. Whatever happens, I’m with you. I promise.’ 

I felt her nod against my shoulder and we settled there together, her hand finding mine under the covers. 

‘What now?’ I moved back, her face inches from mine, and I could see the question in her eyes. 

I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t know, that this was as new to me as it was to her and so I took a deep breath, knowing that despite her years she was more nervous than me. 

‘What do you want to happen now?’ I asked, well aware that we were now much closer than we had been at any point prior to this evening and I took the opportunity to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear. 

I couldn’t get over how I felt for her, and I felt her hand reach tentatively up the bare skin of my side. 

My breath caught in my throat and I locked eyes with her, raising one eyebrow.

‘I’ve been waiting a long time to tell you how I’ve felt, Yaz.’ Her gaze fell downwards, though whether this was because she was embarrassed or if she was looking at my lips I couldn’t quite tell.

I nodded, not wanting to interrupt her, wanting her to go on, to tell me what she was thinking, but I soon I realised that that wasn’t likely to happen.

I opened my mouth again, ready this time to take a little more action.

‘Me too.’ I answered, and I meant it. I had spent so long imagining this that the reality of it was proving difficult to wrap my head around. 

All at once I knew what I was going to do and I could tell she felt the change in atmosphere too, her hand squeezing my side gently as I bent my head down to hers, kissing first her neck and then her lips. 

It was every bit as wonderful as it had been earlier and it took my breath away all over again. Her hand was cool against me and I moved mine down, running my hand along the hem of her shirt.   
‘Doctor…’ Her name floated on my breath like a song and I looked at her, kissing her forehead as I smiled. 

‘How did we end up here?’ There was a smile playing on her lips as she spoke before leaning forward, kissing me again. 

Nothing seemed to matter apart from the two of us, so close we were practically pressed together. She smelt fresh from the shower, like strawberries and talcum powder and it was intoxicating.  
I raised myself up on my elbow, gently wrapping my leg around her waist. Everything seemed to happen all at once and within moments I was sitting astride her, my knees either side of her waist.   
The shirt had ridden up to reveal her bare stomach and I put my hands there, the skin underneath my thumbs as I bent down to kiss her, slowly, gently, working my way up her stomach, pulling the shirt up little by little as I continued to kiss the newly revealed skin. 

I knew her eyes were on me and I looked up to her for confirmation, waiting for her to nod, bringing her head up off the pillow and allowing me to take the shirt off completely.

Below me she was practically naked and I ran my hands across her shoulders, a smile spreading to my lips as I kissed her again.

Her hands snaked their way up my waist, feeling their way under my shirt as I leant over her, my mouth moving back down her body, my thumbs grazing her nipples as her back arched, pressing herself deeper into my hands.

I let my mouth trail further down her body, her knickers the only thing between me and where I wanted to be. 

Putting my thumb under the waistband I left it there for a second, the fabric tightening as I pulled it before I kissed down her thigh, leaving a trail of kisses down one side and coming back up the other.

‘Okay?’ I asked her, suddenly aware of how overwhelming this was, biting my lip as I waited for a response. 

In turn, one of her hands squeezed mine before placing it on top of her knickers, a plea, as she moved her hands onto my back, her legs gently wrapped around me. 

I needed little more by way of encouragement and I pulled the underwear off her, kissing her on the skin that it had now left bare.

‘Yaz?’ My ears pricked at my name and I looked up, moving my body along hers to kiss her on the mouth once more.

For a moment my mind went blank, waiting for the second I woke up, almost certain that this was when something went wrong. Instead, I felt her hands, ravenous, under my shirt, pulling it off before kissing me again, the grip of her legs pulling me closer still as I laid in the space beside her.

I ran a hand down her thigh, our bodies hot against each other as I pulled her leg round me, trailing my fingers down the soft skin of her back before slowly sliding them into the space between us, feeling the wetness of her against my fingers, revelling in the way she tipped her head back at my contact, giving me the room to kiss down her neck.

I shifted my weight on top of her, my fingers moving soft circles against her, the only noise being that of her breathing. I could feel the beat of her heart against my chest as I kissed her and I couldn’t help but marvel at how connected I felt to her, my heartbeat and hers merging, both speeding up as my fingers did the same. 

Her breathing was beginning to grow more laboured and I smiled for a second before trailing my mouth down her middle, replacing my fingers with my tongue, my hands resting on her waist as I did so. 

I felt her hand reach into my hair, her head tipped back as she grabbed at my other hand, squeezing it as I felt her muscles tighten around me, her whole body tensing before going still beneath me. 

My breathing was coming in shallow gasps which I tried to steady as I pulled myself back up to eye level, a hand on either side of her head, kissing her on the end of her nose before collapsing next to her, the two of us unable to do anything more than breath.

‘Yaz…’ I tipped my head to look at her, her hand making its way across my stomach.

‘Wow.’ It was the only word going through my mind too, as I looked at her, and she leaned across, kissing me slowly. 

‘Wow.’ I agreed, placing her hand over my rapidly beating heart, raising an eyebrow as she smiled. 

In turn, she clasped both my hands in hers, placing both of them on her chest, my eyes widening as I felt the two beats under the skin.

‘Yasmin Khan, you may just be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.’ She bit her lip as she looked at me and I felt my heart melt under her gaze.


	28. New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this actually on NYE - so before Resolution, but hope you enjoy now!

‘Do years even mean that much to you anymore?’ The question was directed at the doctor and we all turned to look at her as Ryan spoke. 

It wasn’t said maliciously, but I could tell that somewhere it stung her, as she paused for a second before responding.

‘Not in the same way as to you guys, I wouldn’t think.’ She pursed her lips for a second before continuing.

‘You know how much we’ve seen in the short time we’ve been together? How today is New Year’s Eve, but it’s not really, because it could have been yesterday or tomorrow, or three weeks next Tuesday? Time moves at the same rate, but there’s more of it in the gaps between.’ 

He nodded in response, looking, like the rest of us, as though that had raised more questions than it had actually answered, but luckily nothing more was said.

It was getting late in the day and we still hadn’t made plans for this evening, the boys had suggested that we go out for a meal or something, but nothing seemed to quite fit, as though, like the doctor had said, the amount we’d seen negated the importance of the change in year.

‘Doctor, what’s the best New Year you’ve ever had?’ I asked, the four of us still sat around the console room, our playing cards now abandoned in the centre of our circle. 

It was like I could see the cogs turning in her brain. I wondered if this was as she sifted through the amount of times she’d lived this day, or whether it was because it hadn’t registered as important in a long time.

‘I don’t know, what about you guys?’ There was a sadness in her eyes that was enough to make my shoulders sag and I wondered how much of her life had drifted past, how much of it had hurt her.

‘New Year’s party at mum’s friend’s house, I was about 12. I got to stay up till midnight, and ate almost an entire box of Quality Street.’ I raised an eyebrow, smiling as she smiled back, shaking her head slightly.

‘What about you two?’ I turned to the boys, suddenly aware of how little I had been paying attention to them, as was often the case when the doctor was in the room.

‘I’m not sure,’ Graham’s smile was not one borne of happiness, and I watched as Ryan put a hand on his shoulder. There were times when it was easier for them, when the weight of losing Grace seemed to weigh less heavily, but I should’ve known that this wouldn’t be an easy night for either of them and I crossed my arms awkwardly, really wishing I hadn’t put my foot in it.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered, turning slightly. 

‘Do you remember that time your nan tried to make that massive cake? Enough to feed the whole street, she assured us, and it came out looking lovely… only for us all to realise she’d put salt in instead of sugar?’ His eyes crinkled up as he spoke and selfishly I wondered what it would be like to be so happy with someone that everything they did was enough to make you both laugh.

Ryan was smiling now, too, but the doctor was already keen to get moving, onto the next thing - no time for sadness this evening.

‘Alright, you lot. Let’s make this a good one.’ She pulled the lever to the left of the console, the Tardis whirring into life beneath us. 

Graham raised an eyebrow, grabbing the barrier behind him as we moved off before coming to a holt.

‘What’s the plan then doc?’ She stood by the door, eyeing each of us individually as though preparing us for a secret mission.

‘Ryan and Graham, you’re in charge of getting a Chinese. Yaz, you’re with me.’ The doors opened to reveal, by anyone’s standards, an average street, the only difference being a slight dusting of snow on the floor. 

I grabbed a coat from the peg next to me, and after a second grabbed another one for the doctor, knowing she wouldn’t have thought of it, and met them outside. 

‘… And then we’ll meet back here once you’re done.’ She finished, watching as they moved away before turning to me, a smile forming as she saw the coat that I’d brought her.

‘I can dress myself you know,’ Her voice wasn’t at all annoyed and I just smiled back, shrugging my shoulders into my own coat before crossing my arms and waiting for her to do the same.

‘I’m sure Time Lord’s get colds just like the rest of us.’ I joked, not entirely sure of that fact at all, but it definitely made me feel better to see her dressed a little more appropriately.

She rolled her eyes before moving off, taking my hand in hers as we walked.

I tried to ignore the feeling of the warmth of her hand in mine, the fact that it seemed to fit there so nicely. 

‘What are we actually looking for?’ I questioned as we sped up, rows of shops passing us on either side.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered, bumping into someone as the doctor weaved in and out of a group of people.

‘You’ll see,’ She called back, squeezing my hand, the contact just enough to make my thoughts turn to mush.

‘Here,’ She stopped, dropping my hand to put hers on her hips.

‘What?’ We were stood outside a corner shop, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing at all in fact to indicate that it might be part of someone’s master plan.

A few posters on the door displayed deals on Lucozade and Quavers and I turned towards the doctor only to see her grinning like a mad thing.

‘Doctor?’ It was my turn to put my hands on my hips now as I looked at her, waiting to be let in on whatever it was that we were doing here.

Instead, she pushed on the door, opening it and heading straight for the counter.

‘Your best fireworks, please.’ I widened my eyes at her, a smile already playing on my lips. 

‘You’re a nightmare,’ I muttered. Watching as she held out a few fireworks to me, waiting until I took them before loading herself up with some more. 

‘£25, please…?’ The young guy behind the counter eyed us slightly suspiciously, as though there was a chance that we might be about to leg it. For a moment, I wondered the same, having never seen the doctor actually take any money out of her pocket. Surprisingly, she fished out a few £5 notes, leaving them on the counter as she turned to leave. 

‘Come on,’ Her head tilted to one side, gesturing for me to follow. 

I couldn’t get over how purposefully she was walking, her resolve now set on making this into the best New Year’s Eve that it could be. 

As we approached the Tardis she turned to me, snow beginning to fall again. 

‘We’re going to have a good year, Yaz. I can feel it.’ The light of a streetlamp was hitting the side of her face, the snow glittering in her hair. 

‘I believe you, doc.’ She turned to push open the door, grinning, and I followed her in, dumping the fireworks in a pile next to the ones that she’d just put down.

‘Where do you think the boys have got to?’ I asked, watching her already setting the course for our next journey.

‘They’ll be back, don’t worry.’ I nodded, taking the time to watch her as she pushed the buttons, leaning over to pull the screen round to see it. 

She was stunning and I didn’t even notice as the boys came in behind me, my daydream only being broken when Ryan pushed a couple of boxes into my hands, turning to hang up his coat.

‘You alright, Yaz?’ He called, an eyebrow raised, and I nodded hastily, hoping that whatever he’d just been saying hadn’t beens something that I should have been listening to.

‘Just thinking,’ I turned back round to see Graham looking at me as well and I gave a reassuring smile, realising that I definitely needed to try and pay more attention - even when the doctor was doing that face that made me lose all sense.

‘Right, so where are we going?’ I clapped, trying to steer the conversation in a new direction.

‘Secret.’ The doctor scrunched up her nose and the three of us turned to look at her, our trust in her new plan waning just a little.

‘Hang on,’ She pulled up a panel in the floor, opening one of the boxes and pulling out three blindfolds. 

‘Coats on, it’s going to be cold where we’re going.’ The boys moved round, following her instructions as I looked at the box that was now on the floor, trying desperately to keep my mind from traveling down the path of inquiry that it was already threatening to.

I watched as she scooped the rest of it back up, turning to put on her own coat and a rainbow scarf to match.

‘Come on, Yaz. Don’t want you catching a cold…’ She was mocking me from earlier, and I loved it, having to bite my cheek to keep from smiling too much as I wrapped myself up.

She placed a blindfold on each of the boys before sitting them down, cross-legged, facing the door. 

Then, she turned to me, and her eyes softened just a little bit, enough to make my legs feel a little wobbly as I stepped towards her, her hand sweeping my hair behind me as she placed the blindfold on me, grazing my neck as she did so, a shiver running down my spine. 

She tied it loosely, but I couldn’t see a thing and I could already feel the rest of my senses compensating, her voice soft against my ear when she spoke again.

‘What you’re about to see is the epitome of a new year, the beginning and the end of so much, everything in the universe made up of fragments of this stardust and a beauty beyond belief.’ Her hand was still on my shoulder and I relaxed into her grip, my body tingling from not only the excitement but also the closeness of her touch. 

‘Go on then, doc. Let’s see it.’ Graham’s voice cut through and I heard the doctor click her fingers, the doors opening on her command.

The light was almost blinding, even before I’d taken my blindfold off and when I did, I couldn’t help but gasp.

‘What is it, doctor?’ I breathed, watching the inky blackness of the outside, the brightness of the star against it.

‘A supernova.’ There was a melancholy to her voice, something that seemed to only come when she knew too much, but it was stunning and as we all stood watching it I couldn’t find a way to express my gratitude towards her, how grateful I was for everything that she’d shown us. 

I moved my hand over towards hers, my fingers grazing hers for a second before she took my hand in hers.

‘Thank you.’ I whispered, stepping closer.

My eyes were still locked on the star, the colours rippling from red to orange to purple. It was like nothing I had ever seen before, and likely would never see again.

Her hand squeezed mine and I tore my eyes away from it for a second to see her looking at me, the boys still facing forwards in front of us.

Her face was completely impassive and I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to know what she was thinking, but I smiled over to her, encouragingly.

‘But what are the fireworks for?’ Both our gazes snapped over to Ryan, and I wished that he’d just given us a few more seconds, whatever the doctor had been thinking obviously having been important.

‘Ryan Sinclair, yet again, you are asking the important questions. Yaz, can you dish up the Chinese? Graham, time check?’ 

Slightly dazed I turned round, picking up the bags of takeaway.

‘Eleven forty-five, doc.’ 

‘Righty-oh.’ She called and I turned round to see her leaning out of the Tardis doors, attaching fireworks left, right and centre.

I piled the plates up high before giving Graham and Ryan theirs, holding the doctor’s whilst she finished off her arrangement. 

‘Food, then fireworks.’ She grinned at me, taking the plate and tucking in, all in one fluid motion.

I hadn’t realised how hungry I was and it was only as I started to eat that I realised I was ravenous. 

‘This is seriously good,’ The doctor smiled as she spoke, her mouth still half full of rice and I laughed. 

‘New Year’s resolutions, you lot?’ Graham asked, all of us still looking out of the Tardis doors.

‘Stop worrying so much.’ I volunteered.

‘Keep adventuring.’ Added Ryan.

‘Stop being scared.’ I smiled as the doctor spoke, wondering what on Earth there could be that scared her in this universe.

‘What about you, Graham?’ I asked, my eyes flicking over to him.

‘Keep living life to the full.’ I nodded.

‘Sounds good.’ The doctor’s voice was calm and for a moment there was silence, as though the gravity of another year passing had suddenly hit us.

‘Fireworks,’ The excitement in her voice was palpable and I wondered how long she’d had this plan, my face lighting up at the sight of the look on hers.

‘You two go and watch from the other side, we’ll look over here.’ She pointed at the boys to head down the corridor as she got out a packet of matches from her pocket.

‘Time check, Graham?’ Her voice serious, she looked down towards the boys, faces nearly pressed against the window.

‘One minute, doc.’ He nodded, obviously taking the job very seriously. 

I watched as the doc leant out of the Tardis, reaching out a hand to hold mine as she leant just a little further, tying together a couple of the fireworks and pinning them to the side of the ship.

‘Ready?’ Graham called, and I shouted back my agreement. My grip on the doctor tightening as she struck the match against the blue paintwork of the Tardis before touching it against the first firework. 

The colours started to ripple out, each firework setting off the one next to it, a domino effect. I pulled the doctor back onto the ship, the sparks threatening to singe us as I pulled her closer to me.

‘Wow.’ I whispered, turning to see her still watching me.

‘Wow.’ She agreed, her eyes not leaving mine.

I could see the star in the corner of my eye, the colours of the fireworks reflected in hers and the noise of the fireworks the only sound.

‘Happy New Year, Yaz.’ Her voice quiet, her eyes dipped for a second and I couldn’t help but lick my lips in response, trying to remember how to speak.

The largest of the fireworks went off, the noise of it making me jump for a second, all too late realising that I had stepped closer again to her, our eyes still on each other.

‘Yaz?’ 

‘Yes,’ The way she was looking at me was like nothing I’d ever seen from her before and even before she moved I knew what was coming. 

Her hand moved to me neck as I gulped, everything else turning into background noice as I brought my eyes down to her lips, my hands on either end of the scarf, pulling her closer to me as her lips fell against mine, the explosions of outside paling into insignificance compared to what was going on in my heart. 

I pulled away for a second, trying to catch my breath.

‘Happy New Year, doctor.’


	29. Hidden

My heart squeezed in on itself a little at the sight of them, constricted by an emotion that I couldn’t name, let alone understand. 

It wasn’t that I disagreed, or agreed, I just always felt a blush rise to my cheeks when I saw two women out in public as a couple.

The emotions coursed through me one after the other: the fact that I knew why it made me edgy, that I was also kind of happy for them, that I wanted to be them. 

‘What are you looking at?’ The doctor’s head rested lightly on my shoulder as she tried to look past me to where my eyes had come to rest, across the road and down the street where the couple had headed.

Something about it made me feel awkward and I shrugged myself free of her, trying to make light of the fact that I wasn’t sure how to explain my sudden daydream.

‘Nothing much. Ready?’ I asked her, nodding down to the bag she was holding, having just headed into the shop for supplies for some secret she’d been keeping.

She nodded and looped her arm through mine whilst I did my best to relax a little.

‘This way?’ I offered, knowing that we could reach the Tardis by following the girls, even if it was a slightly longer route.

If she was confused, she didn’t show it, and she stepped off in time with me, our feet matching each other as we walked.

I wasn’t stalking them by a long shot, part of me just wanted to know that they were happy, that whatever plans they had for their day were going to run smoothly.

I half hoped that we’d see them locked in some kind of embrace, that it would bring it up as a conversation between me and the doctor. My heart, already full to bursting, felt like it couldn’t take much more of bottling things up, the uncertainty of not knowing which direction my future was headed in, whether there would be anyone there to share that future with.

It was a funny thing, falling in love, and something I had yet to experience completely. 

But I was undeniably aware that I’d seen the beginnings of it, the thoughts that I’d tried to push away, the friendships that had blossomed in my head into far more than the other person had ever seen.

And here I was with the biggest culprit of them all. The doctor.

To her credit, she had said nothing as we walked, though the look in her eyes as she flicked them over towards me betrayed her, portraying the concern she was so obviously feeling.

The street itself was nondescript, rows of houses, lights on as people sat down for an evening meal, families. The normality of it was almost suffocating and I sped up a little more, taking the doctor with me.

We rounded a corner, turning left on to a footpath passing over a park and towards the Tardis. 

I saw the girls on the park, sat in a hammock style swing and I couldn’t help but gulp, my eyes swivelling back to my feet, staring resolutely downwards as we continued to walk.

‘What’s in the bag?’ Though I asked the question, I was surprised by my tone, the way it seemed to be accusing the doctor of something.

I wanted her so much to ask what it was I was thinking, to somehow make this easier. 

I felt the weight of her arm against mine as she extracted it, pulling open the carrier bag to reveal some pizzas and a movie.

‘Thought maybe we could do with a night in,’ Something was missing from her voice and for the first time since she’d come out of the shop I turned to look at her, stopping as I did so.

‘What’s the matter?’ 

‘I was going to ask you the same question.’ Her eyebrows shot halfway up her forehead as she spoke, but there was no anger in her voice, only concern.

‘Me? Nothing…’ Her expression didn’t change, not believing a word of it.

‘I’m fine, honest.’ I conceded, knowing that I didn’t actually have it in me to tell her anything more at the moment.

Something in her changed and I knew she was letting me off the hook, ready to save it as a discussion for a different time and my shoulders sagged a little. Half because I was grateful for her relenting, and half because I wished she hadn’t.

After a moment of walking I felt her hand reach down for mine, rather than linking arms she took it with hers, our fingers curling over one another and creating a fist which she squeezed.  
‘When you’re ready,’ She whispered, her words only just audible over the breeze.

‘I’m about if you want to talk.’ It made me wonder if she already knew, the panic in me rising slightly as well as the relief, but as I sneaked a look over to her I knew she didn’t, that this came from a general place of concern.

I squeezed her hand a little in return, not trusting myself to speak and not really knowing what I’d say if I were to open my mouth.

We were almost level with the Tardis and she reached out a hand, patting it as you would a cat before turning back around and looking over the playing field where she’d parked. 

I wondered if she was still trying to see what I’d been looking at and when she opened the door I shot in in front of her, still trying to work out if she would have been able to put two and two together. 

It wasn’t until much later in the evening that we were alone again, discarded pizza crusts on the table in front of us as we continued watching tele, the boys having gone to bed.

All evening I’d tried to put some distance between us, my mind running over the events of earlier, thinking about those girls, whether one day that could be me, whether I wanted it to be. 

My stomach was a mess of knots and each time the doctor looked over to check that I was okay it became worse. 

I had tried pushing the thoughts away, assuming that in time things would become easier, that I could just ignore them until they went away. It never worked, and the more I did so the more convinced I became that something was wrong with me, that whatever this was, it wasn’t normal. 

In the back of my head I knew that I wasn’t the first person to feel like this and that maybe if I could only push past it then there would be something on the other side that would make the whole thing worthwhile. But the fear gripped me like a vice, not even able to look the doctor in the face as she got up off the chair and came and sat next to me. 

‘Yaz,’ Her voice was so soft I thought I might start crying right then and there and I kept my eyes on the TV until I was sure I had something that at least slightly resembled self-control.

‘Yaz,’ Her hand was on my shoulder, pulling me to her, and I relented, letting myself be pulled to her side, her arm wrapped round me as she nuzzled the top of my head, hugging me close.

‘You know, I have been known to actually be quite a good listener…’ I felt her move a little as she smiled and against my better judgement I pulled away slightly to look at her. 

Her eyes shone with concern and I tried my best to put a smile on my face, too. Wanting so much for her just to hold me, to tell me that nothing was insurmountable and that we’d be okay. 

Her hand reached up and cupped my chin, the contact causing my stomach to backflip. 

‘Talk to me, Yaz.’ I swallowed, hard. Opening my mouth to try and explain at least partially what I was still trying to figure out myself.

‘Sometimes it’s like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m missing something other people have got.’ I thought about all the conversations at high school that never really applied to me, the talk of cute boys and dates that I never really understood the importance of.

‘But other times it’s like I just feel wrong and lonely. Like everyone else will get their happily ever after and I’ll still be figuring out what I want.’ Heat prickled at my eyes as I looked at the ceiling, no longer sure what I was really trying to say. 

‘How did you feel when you saw them, earlier?’ I knew what she was referring to and my gaze flicked back to her, a tear rolling down my cheek as I did so. 

There was such concern and love in here eyes and I bit my lip to keep at bay a sob that was threatening to make an appearance.

‘Jealous.’ The word was small and the silence that followed it seemed so big by comparison that it felt like it might swallow us whole.

The tears began to fall freely, with no regard for how much I wished they wouldn’t.

‘There’s no shame in that, Yaz. Nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself, you know that, don’t you?’ I watched the tears forming a puddle in my lap, not sure I could bear to look her in the eye right now. 

‘Love is a big and wonderful thing, it will surprise you, always. And sometimes you’re not ready for it, sometimes you don’t see it, but other times, Yaz. It blossoms. It turns into something so much bigger and more magical than you could ever have dared hope for. And however you’re feeling, now. That will change and grow too. And that’s okay.’ Her hand reached out, taking one of mine that was in my lap.

The tightness in my chest was lessening just slightly and as I looked at her I realised that she meant it, that she cared, that this didn’t change anything.

I wondered how we looked to her, so small and stupid, hung up on our boxes and labels.

‘It’ll be okay?’ I sounded like a child, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to hear her say it, to know that she meant it.

‘Better than okay. I promise.’ She pulled me to her again, kissing the top of my head as she wrapped her arms round me, my hands reaching round her and pulling her tight. Relishing in the comfort of the feeling of her holding me.

After a few minutes she moved her hand away from me, grabbing a blanket and throwing it over the two of us, my breathing having slowed enough that I was no longer on the verge of tears.

My shoulders sagged as she gave me another squeeze, the warmth of the fluffy blanket and her arms around me enough to make me tired. 

My eyelids dipped for a second and she tucked some loose hair behind my ear.

‘It’s alright, I’ve got you. Go to sleep…’ I pulled myself even closer to her, not caring about anything except the relief that was beginning to spread through me and I closed my eyes, worn out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you present your heart on a platter, wrap it in doctor who and call it fanfiction...


	30. Strong

‘What did you say?’ The doctor's words were like ice under the Summer evening sun, the syllables stretched out with incredulity. 

Under her gaze even the harshest man would have fallen, but whoever this was, they were far below that.

'I said, don't touch me, you little Pakistani shit.’ His eyes never left mine as he spoke and something beyond hatred courses through me. The fact that he would say, so bodily, what I had heard in some form or other throughout my life was almost sickening. And whatever I was feeling, the doctor felt it too.

We’d been ready to leave and I’d followed out after her, accidentally brushing past this man as I fought my way through the crowded garden of the pub.

Never one to throw the first punch, I watched her take a step closer. For a moment I was somehow now almost more terrified of her than him, my eyes glued to her, unable to break the stare even as I caught the movement of his arm out of the corner of my eye.

‘Doctor!’ My words were too late, and probably would have been futile anyway, as she went to duck out of his path. His fist, instead of hitting her square in the face, as had seemed to be the line of his trajectory, grazed her jaw. The whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion, the doctor tumbling backwards, me moving towards her, my legs working as if of their own accord.

We had only come out for a drink, but he'd obviously had too many, and the effects of it were becoming evident in his bolshiness. 

My hand flew to her face, the wince she gave me in return making my eyes water with anger as yet unshed.

'Leave.’ My voice was no more than a whisper, the rumble before a storm that I knew was building. My eyes looked up to meet his and I wondered if he knew what he was dealing with, the laughter in his smile told me he didn't. 

All at once I felt protective of the doctor, scared, and oh so angry. It was like everything had been building up to this moment; the fact that I now couldn't deny what I was so obviously feeling for her, the idea that everyone that had ever done me wrong was at least in some part like him.

‘Leave.’ I repeated, my voice stronger as I stood up.

'Or what.’ 

My hand was still wrapped with the doctor’s and she gave it a squeeze, my mind torn between doing what she would do and what I so desperately wanted to do. 

My eyes flicked back to hers, already seeing the warning in them.

I could feel the adrenaline in my body, my legs beginning to shake under the weight of it, and with a glance back at the doctor I made my decision.

Eyes still trained on him, not trusting him not to pull a fast one, I helped her up, wrapping her hand again in mine and squeezing it.

'Come on.’ She said nothing but followed, and against my better judgement I turned my back on him, walking with my head held high, the anxiety of leaving myself exposed coursing through me.

I could hear the heckle of his voice coming after us, the drunk leeriness that I was so used to hearing at work, but not in my personal life, not when it ruined my evening. 

At work, I was someone else, I was PC Khan, and when I got changed after a shift it was like shedding a skin, everything that had happened to that person could be put back in my wardrobe with the uniform. 

Her thumb grazed the top of my hands, suddenly looking stronger than she had done previously and I wondered what she was thinking. 

Part of me didn’t want her to think that I had done that for her. At the end of the day, I was more than capable of making my own decisions, looking after myself - heaven knows that’s what I had been doing for the last nineteen years - but then again, without the doctor there it would have been different, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the bigger person.

Somehow she managed to make me want to be the best version of myself that I could be.

As if reading my thoughts, her voice cut through the silence.

‘Why did you do that?’ Her tone was neither accusatory or congratulatory, and I didn’t know whether or not she was commending me for walking away, nor was I ready to talk about it, to try and unravel everything that I was feeling, and so I ignored her, pretending I hadn’t heard even though we both knew I had. 

As we approached the Tardis door I let her walk in front of me, knowing how much she had fought against in her time but still wanting to be the one to protect her at the moment, as if that somehow made it easier to deal with. The idea that I had been acting for someone else. 

I felt the relief as the door closed behind me, the happiness that I had felt only half an hour ago having evaporated. In the Tardis we were safe, and the doctor felt it too. I saw it in the way her shoulders sagged, the way her hand ran along the console before she turned round to look at me.

‘Let me have a look,’ I took a step closer, bringing a hand up to her face to assess the damage. Her lip had split at the force of the punch, a bruise already beginning to form along her jawbone.  
Lightly I ran my thumb across it, fighting against the tears that were already threatening to make an appearance again. 

I blinked, looking at the floor so she couldn’t see as a tear escaped, and went to move my hand away.

‘I’ll go and get some ice…’ Suddenly, I didn’t sound so sure of myself and as I brought my hand down she caught it in hers. 

‘Yaz?’ Her voice was soft, with a huskiness to it that I hadn’t heard before and wasn’t sure I wanted to hear again, the sound of it seeming to tie my insides in knots immediately.

I kept my eyes on the floor for a moment longer than was strictly necessary, only looking up when I was sure I had fought back the tears.

I heard a sigh escape her, watched as she winced as she tried to move her mouth and my heart swelled with a love for her that I tried to ignore.

‘Yaz, I know you’re strong. I know you can deal with anything. I’m not taking that away from you.’ Her eyes bore into mine, the sheer depth of them enough for me to feel like I was falling into them - unable to look away. 

‘All I’m saying is, you don’t have to be strong for me.’ I felt the lump in my throat, the relief of knowing that, even though I didn’t want to accept it, she was fully expecting me not to be okay, and that the not being okay was in itself, okay. 

I gulped, my mouth still tight shut, scared of what might come out if I were to open it, and for a moment I stiffened as she wrapped her arms around me before relaxing into the hug, my arms wrapping themselves back round her as we stood there, the warmth of her body against mine infinitely reassuring.


	31. Hiccup (1)

I groaned, hiccuping again.

‘Just to reiterate, all of time and space, and you can’t fix my hiccups?’ The doctor had a look on her face that could only be described as challenge accepted and even though I was beginning to feel a little nauseous I felt a smile ghost my lips.

‘No, I’m saying that I don’t fancy it.’ She pouted slightly and I raised an eyebrow at this complete change in character.

‘Oh, don’t you?’ My voice came out a little more husky than I’d hoped and I wondered if she would assume it was the hiccups, or possibly more accurately, yet another occasion where I had to refrain from flirting with her.

‘Absolutely not. Far better things to do.’ Her lips twitched a little as she spoke and I wondered if she was about to smile before I was distracted by yet another bout of hiccups, rubbing my stomach a little.

‘It has actually been hours.’ I leant back against the Tardis console, wishing that there was a way to get these to go away. 

The doctor and I had the next few hours to ourselves, but so far hadn’t moved a muscle as I continued to hiccup my way through the day.

‘About thirty seven minutes, Yaz.’ She raised an eyebrow at me, not impressed by my keen eye for exaggeration.

‘This is a time machine, surely it could’ve been hours…’ She opened her mouth to respond, probably to point out the numerous failings in my science before stopping herself, realising that I was indeed joking.

‘Ha. Ha. Go and get me that spanner?’ She motioned towards the tool box a few feet away from us and it was my turn to look flummoxed, since when did I become her skivvy? I opened my mouth to respond before watching as she tinkered with part of the Tardis and deciding that I didn’t really mind doing as I was told, just this once.

Within seconds of my back turning her hands were on my shoulders.

‘BOO.’ My heart rate went through the roof, knees buckling under me as she leant her full weight against me, the two of us toppling against the cool metal floor of the Tardis, which was luckily more forgiving than it looked. 

It took a second before I could laugh, the air having been knocked out of me like a balloon.

Still lying on top of me she looked like an excited puppy, trying to wake her owner up. 

‘What. Are. You. Doing?’ Each word was punctuated with a breath, the excitement, laughter and weight of her on top of me stopping me from being able to manage much more than single word sentences.

‘You haven’t hiccuped though, have you…’ As if on command I hiccuped again and she rolled off me, landing right next to me as I smiled.

‘You, Yasmin Khan, are completely impossible.’ I could hear the pout in her words, even as I looked at the ceiling, trying to regain something that at least resembled slight composure.

‘And you, doctor, are not very scary.’ I rolled over as I spoke before realising her proximity, the fact that as she turned her head to look at me our faces were now inches apart.

She opened her mouth and closed it again, whatever she had been about to say obviously escaping her. 

The tension was almost electric and I felt every bump of the floor, every part of me that was so close it was practically pressed against her side.

I felt the tightening in my chest of seeing her this close up and tried to push it away, ignoring the way her hair was splayed out around her, the fact that if I moved even an inch closer it would be tickling my face.

She scrunched her nose up.

‘No hiccups now.’ It was a statement, but the certainty had gone from her voice and I could do little more than nod in response.

Neither of us moved.

I wondered if I should do something, the agony of being so close yet not doing anything about it beginning to take hold.

The issue was that I struggled to both look at her and think, knowing that whatever I was wanting to do in this moment was almost definitely not the logical and sensible thing to do.

‘Thanks,’ I muttered, wishing I had something more to say before the moment passed, before I was forced to move away and go back to pretending like there wasn’t something between us.

She nodded and then a noise broke the tension between us, somewhere between the sound of a seal and a squeak and I felt the heat rise to my cheeks.

I bit my lip to keep from hiccuping again, somehow hoping that I could keep both my diaphragm, and time, at a standstill.

‘Yaz.’ She said my name fondly and it sounded suspiciously like I was about to be dumped from a relationship that hadn’t even started.

The fog in my brain shifted and self preservation kicked in, forcing me to roll back to one side in an attempt to stand up.

A hand wrapped itself around my arm as I did so, the warmth of it on my skin. cooled from the metal floor. seemed to seep through me and I closed my eyes for a second, willing my resolve to not to weaken as I pushed again to get up.

Instead, the doctor’s grip tightened as she pulled herself up to seated next to me, her other hand snaking round my waist, keeping me sat down.

‘Yaz.’ I let out a controlled sigh, trying to keep at least some sense of perspective as I turned my gaze to meet hers. 

Her lips were inches from mine and I couldn’t help but let my eyes drift to them, looking back up to her eyes, searching for some hint about what she was going to say.

‘Yaz, I would never mean to. But I could hurt you, I’m dangerous and foolish and I’ve seen the way you look at me. I’ve seen what I want so badly reflected in your eyes, and it’s only because I care that I can’t do it.’

Her hands still gripped me, as though her brain and body were fighting over whether she really meant this. Heat prickled at my eyes and I let a tear fall, watching as she did the same. 

There were no words for the questions I wanted to ask, nothing I could say which would tell me if she really, truly meant this. She’d lived long enough and lost enough that I knew that her words could deceive me every time. 

I lifted my spare hand to her face, wiping away the tear with my thumb, and felt her stiffen under my touch.

I felt her hand go slack on my wrist and I pulled my other hand up, cradling her face between them. 

Her eyes were wary but I knew I would never know the truth any other way and I tipped my head forward, resting my forehead on hers for a second before letting my mouth find hers as it had been so desperate to do.

For a moment she kissed me back, the urgency of it seeping through the space between us, her hands reaching for my arms to pull me closer.

But then she pulled away, her face going blank as she retreated.

‘Yaz, I can’t do this to you.’ My hands dropped to my side, lips tingling from the feel of hers on mine, the fact that I had known in that moment that I wasn’t alone in this, that as much as she wanted it to be otherwise, she felt it too.

‘I’m sorry.’ She wouldn’t even look at me as she spoke. The words heavy between us in the silence that followed.


	32. Hiccups (2)

Even if I could have found the words I would never have been able to say them. I was not one to plead, and to know the pain that I was so obviously going to cause her by doing so… it wasn’t in my nature to make things worse and I bit my lip to keep from crying.

I tried to swallow, the lump in my throat threatening to suffocate me as the world seemed to collapse around me. 

Her eyes were still on the console, not me, but I couldn’t move. Couldn’t stop looking at her. 

Whatever it was that she thought she was protecting me from, whatever it was that she thought she was doing right - how could it possibly be worse than this?

To know, so absolutely, how I felt about her, to be certain that she felt the same, and not to pursue it with everything we’d got, to make the most of any and every moment we had together. How could that be the fairer option?

But even as I stood there, watching her shoulders sag under the weight of her decision, I couldn’t be angry with her. 

I swallowed again, closing my eyes for a second before I spoke.

‘Whatever happened just then. We’re going to ignore it until it doesn’t hurt you. I’m going to come over there, and hug you, because you’re upset and for no other reason. And you… You’re going to accept it without argument.’ My words were strong, slow and deliberate, leaving no room for emotion or misinterpretation.

I waited for a second before watching the back of her head bob up and down in a nod and then I stepped towards her. 

One, two, three steps. It might as well have been a mile.

I felt the warmth of her body under the shirt as I rested a hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to turn towards me before wrapping my arms around her, letting her melt into my body as she relaxed, hugging me back. 

My vision blurred for a moment and I stared resolutely ahead of me, willing myself not to cry. 

‘Okay?’ I whispered, her response coming in the form of a nod against my shoulder. 

My mind drifted to something I’d read once, that you should never be the first one to let go when you hugged someone you cared about, because you never knew how badly they needed that hug.   
There was no way I was going to let go of the doctor for as long as she still wanted me here, in whatever capacity that might be. Friend, or something more, I was in far too deep to ever leave her side. 

‘Yaz?’ Her voice was quiet and I nodded in return, not sure what she was going to say. 

‘Thank you.’ I smiled, knowing that there was nothing more to say.

Gradually, she let go of me, her gaze still skirting round mine as she looked towards the floor. 

‘I’m going to go and get something to eat, do you want anything?’ I smiled at her in what I hoped was a reassuring way, wishing that she’d look at me, but her eyes didn’t budge as she ran a hand along the console before turning around, her eyes on the bookshelf behind.

‘No, I’m fine. Thanks.’ I smiled again, more for my benefit than hers, and turned on my heels, glad for a second or two to compose myself before I had to face her again.

The sadness in her eyes was timeless and I couldn’t work out if she was mourning what she couldn’t have or something that she’d already lost, and the fact that I well knew that it could have been both at the same time was enough to make my heart physically ache.

I scanned the fridge for a second, wondering why I’d even bothered coming in here. Nothing was appealing, it was just the space I had wanted. A chance for the both of us to refresh and a little bit of space to stop my head from spinning. 

‘Oh doctor…’ I shook my head a little, touching a finger to my lips, desperately tying to forget the feeling of hers on mine, the look which she’d given me. 

If she wasn’t ready or able to take it any further then I respected that, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. 

I took a deep breath, steadying myself against the fridge door before closing it, ready to go back and see if she was okay. 

As I walked towards the console room I heard a gentle noise, as though someone was crying and I sped up for a moment before realising that it wasn’t crying at all, but someone reciting the same words, over and over again.

Against my better judgment I stood outside the doorway, listening to the rhythm of her talking:

It cannot be she said to me, the end is not my making.   
To keep apart two lovers hearts is another’s undertaking.  
That might be true I said to you but it is they who are mistaken.   
For where there’s a sun you’ll find a moon and neither can be forsaken. 

The words were soft and she went round and round in a loop, as though that would somehow make things clearer for her. 

The tears that had been threatening to spill over came back, dripping down my face and plopping to the floor as I leant against the wall. The effort of standing upright suddenly too much. 

My knees buckled and I slid down the wall, my hands pulling them closer to me as I curled up into a ball, her words still ringing round the Tardis as she repeated them again and again, her voice breaking every now and again as I let the tears flow. 

It could have been minutes or hours that I sat there, my body wracked with silent sobs as I listened to her before she came abruptly to a halt. The creak of a chair underneath her the next noise I heard before a gentle sob, and a deep breath, my ears prickling as I strained to hear her next words: 

‘Oh Yaz, what have I done…’


	33. Hiccups (3)

There was nothing I could do but sit there, listening to the silence that followed her words. I wanted nothing more than to see her come out of the door next to me, for her to tell me that she was wrong, that actually we could make this work. But I couldn’t force it.

As much as I ached for her love, I couldn’t bear the thought of forcing her to go through whatever it was that she was so afraid of, knowing that if I ever hurt her, she would have tried to protect us both and I would have marched mindlessly in to the danger which threatened to both break and save our hearts.

I wiped my sleeve across my face, taking a deep breath as I tried to clean myself up.

There was no noise coming from the console room and in the headache that followed my tears, I couldn’t work out whether that would be a good or a bad thing.

I pulled myself up to standing, the ache in my legs a welcome distraction from the thoughts running through my head. 

My fingers fiddled with the door knob, wondering whether or not to enter, I was desperate to see her face, to know that she was okay. 

I knew how obvious it would be that I had been crying and for a moment I debated stepping through the door like nothing had happened, like this was an average day. But I couldn’t do it, couldn’t force myself to pretend that my heart didn’t feel like lead in my chest, not when I knew that it wasn’t going to help, that whatever she was feeling would not be lessened by my fake happiness. 

I stepped back from the door, almost tripping over my feet in my haste to back away. It suddenly felt too much, the hurt that I felt at her rejection, the love that I felt for her, the anger at the world, the universe, for not letting her be happy.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to scream or sob and I fled to my room, shutting the door softly behind me before sinking into the pillows on the bed. 

Time seemed to stop, my mind running over the same thoughts again and again, leaving no room for anything else as much as I tried to distract myself.

I curled up into a ball, tucking the covers round myself as though I was a child and relishing in the feeling of them snug against my body. It was like the hug that I so desperately wanted to be in.   
Part of me knew how pathetic I was, but the physical pain of the emotional strain was enough to allow me to feel sorry for myself. Knowing that I would never feel about anyone the way I felt about her. 

After what felt like hours I heard the sound of footsteps on the wooden floor, soft and nimble, as though she thought I might be asleep. 

Just knowing she was close by made my eyes water, the loss of a future not lived and all the love that I had for her which was now redundant. 

I couldn’t turn over to look at her, somehow scared that whatever I’d see in her eyes would only serve to solidify what she’d told me earlier. I wasn’t sure I could bear it but, I wanted so desperately to see that she was okay. 

After a moment the footsteps stopped, for a second I thought she was going to leave, but then the covers were peeled back as she tentatively sat down beside me, a hand on my shoulder.   
I fought the urge to shrug it off, to curl up into myself, feelings of anger and embarrassment threatening to take over.

I felt the weight of her body shifting as she lied down on the bed, the perfect curve of her body lining up with mine and the heat of the skin on skin contact as she put an arm around my waist, her body flush against me. 

I froze, the emotions that had been flying round me suddenly paused, one of them overriding the rest: confusion.

My body arched back against hers like a magnet, part of me just wanting to know that she was really there. Her hair splayed around us as she pulled me impossibly closer, some of it just visible out of the corner of my eye. 

‘Yaz, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’ Neither of us moved. I could hear the fear in her voice, the slight huskiness that came from having been crying.

I couldn’t bare it a second longer, I rolled over and took her into my arms, her body fitting against mine like a jigsaw, the tension leaving her body as I wrapped my arms around her.

For a moment, it was all we could do to be with each other. I didn’t know what she was sorry for, I didn’t dare hope that this meant that she’d rethought. 

But, I did know that she needed me to be there, and that I couldn’t deny her that.

‘It’s okay,’ I soothed, my voice coming out a little strangled.

She brought me closer, her hand grasping at the back of my t-shirt, anchoring her to me.

‘I’m scared.’ She brought her head back, looking me in the eye as she did so.

The truth of what she was saying was reflected back at me, the fear, the love, it was like looking into a mirror.

‘Me too.’ I whispered. Part of me wanted to soothe her, to let her know that there was nothing to be afraid of, that love was not going to hurt her. But that was ridiculous, foolish, and a lie.

Love had the power to destroy our friendship, to hurt us more than I could imagine, and to endanger everything we had done to protect ourselves.

But it also had the power to blossom, to bloom into something so amazing that neither of us could have ever predicted how much we would flourish with each other, work together, how amazing we could be.

Both of those options scared me. 

I scanned her eyes for a sign that she was going to tell me more of what she was thinking, a hint that her fear wasn’t the only thing that brought her back to me, but there was none.

Her face was puffy from crying, and I wanted nothing more than to reach a hand up and smooth out the wrinkles of the frown which she was giving me, to reassure her in the way I so desperately wanted to be reassured. But I was frozen to the spot, my gaze on hers, her eyes flitting around my face before they came to settle on my lips and she dipped her head down, her lips on mine.

It was every bit as amazing as it had been before, a sigh escaping my lips as her hand reached up to my face, holding me.

But I couldn’t do it, my heart, already in pieces, couldn’t take the torment of not knowing if this kiss was going to be the last, or the first of many. 

I pulled away, her expression going from surprise to hurt and then back again.

I closed my eyes to speak, knowing that to be able to see her would ruin any chance I had at keeping this neutral, of giving her a chance to leave.

‘I love you doctor, I know I do. To tell you any differently would be a lie.’ I took a deep breath, fighting the urge to peak out of one eye.

‘But you said you can’t do this, and it’s not fair on either of us to start something we can’t finish. I can’t do that to you, knowing it would hurt you in the long run.’ 

I felt the warmth of her hand against my face and yielded to her touch, cursing myself as I opened my eyes.

‘I’m sorry, Yaz, I don’t know how we’re going to do this. But you need to know: I will never hurt you and I was wrong. I was wrong to think that fear should stop me from loving you, that to hide from it would be to not hurt you. I was wrong and Yaz, oh god, please Yaz… I can’t not be with you. Please?’ Her question came out as a plea, one that I answered by putting my lips on hers, the kiss salty from our tears, the smile, so big that my cheeks ached as my hands reached to her hair, running my fingers through it.

‘You sure?’ She whispered, still close to me, her breath tickling my lips.

‘More than anything.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no more written at the moment :( It is a sad time. Hoping I can get around to writing some more over the next few days, but please bear with - that is, if you still want more of the thasmin feels?! Not sure if it's only me who is still suffering from series 11 withdrawals!! Let me know, either way!


	34. The Hotel

‘So,’ My ears strained to hear what she was about to say, my stride quickening as I tried to get closer. Whatever it was that the doctor was about to share with me, she was being really weird about it. 

For a second she stopped, her feet, still impatient, tapping on the cold marble floor as she pressed the button for the lift.

‘So?’ I hinted, stopping next to her and trying desperately to hide the fact that I was slightly out of breath, from excitement or exertion, I couldn’t quite tell.

She opened her mouth to respond and I half turned to her, still watching our reflections in the glass of the lift door, but then the two sides of it parted, the mirror images of both her and I separating as the doors glided open and a few people came out into the hotel lobby.

Her lips clamped shut, sealing away whatever secret she had been ready to tell me just moments before. 

It had been like this all day, the sideways glances, the eye contact that was just a few moments too long. It was almost too much and I could feel it all the way through my body, like static, the tension of it mounting. 

As we stepped into the lift her arm brushed against mine and I fought the urge to run my fingers down her arm.

It had been a long time since I’d felt like this about anyone and it was the first time that that person was a woman. 

Half of me was desperate to play up to it, see where this ended up going. But the more reserved side of me was trying to gain a little more perspective, painfully aware of what was on the line, not only an amazing friendship, but also my relationship with Ryan and Graham. To mess this up would be to lose all three of them in one fell swoop. 

My stomach churned tighter at the thought.

I could see her eyes on me as the lift began to move, well aware that this was going to be an excruciating ten floors. 

Our reflections caught each other’s gaze, me, too desperate for her to be able to look away. 

I watched as her gaze turned from reflection me to real me.

My eyes still on the mirror as she stepped closer, before the spell was broken. The magnetic pull of the tension that had been building between us suddenly confined and compressed in this small space. 

Unable to take it any more I found myself face to face with her, my hand reaching up to her hair as she did the same to me in return. My other hand grazing down her arm as it had been so desperate to do only moments previously. It was like the acknowledgement of the feelings themselves was enough to quell the ache of them that was within me, to silence it enough that for a moment all I wanted to do was be there, to be beside her and to feel the warmth of her skin under mine.

But then it was back.

The feeling growing as her thumb carefully traced the line of my lower lip, her eyes following it. The pace excruciatingly slow, somehow making me want nothing more than for her to speed up but also allowing me to enjoy every second of the power that was her touch. 

I felt my hands on her waist, her arse, pulling her closer to me and, as though a switch was flipped, her lips were on mine, all thoughts of slowliness eradicated as she brought both hands up to my neck, framing my face as she whispered my name, her breath mixing with mine as I kissed her again. Not ready or willing to have whatever conversation she was about to start. 

Nothing in the world could compare to this and there wasn’t a fibre of my being that believed that what she was about to say was going to be good news, but whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t going to be better than this.

The ping of the lift stopped me in my tracks, the doctor’s hands jumping off me as though shocked as she stood next to me, both of our breathing ragged. 

I closed my eyes for a second, praying that the three people who had just got in next to us were not going to have ruined whatever that just was because I was certain that there had been more of it to come.

I looked up towards the ceiling, the sign telling me we were on floor six. Four to go.

I swallowed slightly as we jerked upwards again, flattening my hands against my sides, hoping upon hope that hers might find it’s way in to mine.

Instead, I felt something of spidery lightness tickle down my back. Turned to watch as she tucked her hair behind her ear, and then felt the weight of her hand in my back pocket, her thumb grazing the waistband of my jeans as she put it there. 

I bit my lip to keep from smiling, not daring to look at her for fear of what I might do, desperately aware of how much I wished it was just the two of us again, but knowing that I would have no idea what to do once it was. The sense of excitement rising within me once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Desperately struggling to write at the moment so I apologise for how rough this is, thought it was better than nothing!


	35. Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for it being a bit short, but I thought it was kinda cute so decided to share! Enjoy!

The movie finished and I jumped at the sound of my name, my head rising off the doctor’s shoulder as I turned to find the source of the noise.

‘Hey!’ I replied, coming face to face with someone I used to know from school, the lights brightening the room suddenly and causing us both to blink.

‘Hey, how are you?’ Her voice was bright and I groped in the depths of my mind for her name, realising a second too late that it was Amy or something.

‘I’m good good, you?’ There was a bloke next to her, hand clasped in hers.

‘Yeah, I’m really good thanks. This is Jack, my husband.’ I smiled towards him, her eyes drifting towards the doctor.

‘Sorry, this is the doctor… my friend.’

My mind drifted back to last night, curling up with hot chocolate together, the bath, pyjamas, waking up this morning, her breath on the side of my neck, a kiss on my lips…

I fixed a smile back on to my face, walking towards the door, the doctor to my left, Amy and Jack on my right.

Her words washed over me and I nodded, aware that despite the promises, we weren’t going to meet up again.

‘Anyway, nice to see you both!’ I smiled, my words coming out of their own accord by this point, veering off to the left as the cold air of the evening hit me.

And still I walked a foot away from the doctor, muttering about a science class that Amy and I were in years ago.

The Tardis was parked only a few yards away in an empty parking lot and it wasn’t until we were inside that I realised the doctor hadn’t spoken. I put down the cups I had set for tea, moving around the kitchen as though I had lived here all my life and through to the living room. I wrapped my arms round her from behind as she sat on the sofa, a book in her hands.

Firmly, she pushed me away, heat rising to my cheeks as I retracted my hands as though burned.

‘Don’t.’ Her voice was quiet, I would’ve preferred it if she’d shouted and my words got stuck in my throat for a second as she backed away.

‘What?’ I threw my hands up, confused, not sure what I was meant to have done wrong here.

‘You, that’s what.’ Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke and I fought the urge to go to her.

‘Me? What did I do?’

‘It’s what you didn’t do, Yaz. What is it? You only want me when no one else is around? You were more than happy… last night…’ Her voice faltered again, her gaze no longer meeting mine.

A feeling that’s somewhere between guilt and anger began to flood threw me, and I took a second to compose myself before responding.

‘Doctor, I don’t want to have this conversation.’ My voice was level, my thoughts already tangling together.

‘No, and you clearly didn’t want Amy to know we were together, either.’

‘What does it matter? We’ll never see her again, it’s none of her business…’ Anger was winning and I tried to close my eyes, not wanting a fight.

‘You told her I was your friend.’ I heard the hurt in her voice and ignored it.

‘You are my friend.’ I retorted.

‘Is that all I am, Yaz?’

My words begin to tumble out like a waterfall, uncontrollable.

‘What am I meant to call you? My lover? That sounds terrible. My partner? I don’t even know if that’s what we are. But the difference between you and me is that I’m happy to be with you, without the need to label it. Why do you care so much what she thinks, anyway?’

Somewhere in the kitchen the kettle began to whistle and I took a deep breath.

‘I’m going to turn that off and go to bed, let’s sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow.’

I didn’t wait for a response before turning round, taking the kettle off the stove and turning off the hob. Putting the mugs in the cupboard.

I heard her footsteps behind me and ignored them, grabbing a glass of water and turning to leave.

‘Good night.’ I whispered, moving past her and into the corridor. I hadn’t got more than a few steps before her voice called out behind me.

‘I’m scared.’ Within seconds I was by her side, the magnetism of her words too much for me to even contemplate not returning to her. The anger left my like a balloon deflating, the warmth of compassion filling the space that it left behind.

‘I’m scared that you’ll get tired of me, of fighting to live a life that isn’t 100% accepted by your society and that when you leave me, you’ll take a part of my heart with you. That I’ll never be whole again.’ Her voice was raw, as though she’d already been crying and I took a steadying breath before properly turning my gaze to meet hers.

‘Why?’ The word was small as it left my lips and I looked in her eyes for an answer, the idea that she might actually think that I had any intention of leaving somehow the most confusing part of this whole situation.

‘Because I’ve never been good at this, because I don’t know what I’m doing. Because life is more difficult if you’re with a woman, because people will look if we walk down the street holding hands… because you’ve had boyfriends before and why make things more difficult for yourself by being with me, why not go back to the path of least resistance?’

A melancholic smile crept to my lips, a hand reaching up to touch her cheek, wiping away a tear that was already snaking it’s path down it.

‘Because, doctor. You’re not a man.’

That night, we didn’t do anything more than kiss. We drank the tea that I had brewed, and curled up on the sofa, the warmth of our bodies against each other as we spooned. She told me about the time she learnt to play the didgeridoo, about when she was younger, friends she’d had, people she’d lost. And I told her about my parents, about the time I’d cheated on a maths test. That I was scared, but that I’d never change what I had with her… not for anything.  
We fell asleep like that and I wound my arms around her waist, knowing that whatever happened next, we’d face it together.


	36. Injured

'I'm okay, honest.’ Even as I spoke I could feel the tickle in the back of my throat. The wires pulling at my hands as I tried to move to cover my mouth. 

The doctor's face was paler than mine, her eyes wide as she took one of my hands in hers, resting it on top of the hospital sheets.

'Yaz,’ the sound of her voice brought tears to my eyes, the crack in it as she spoke my name too much to bare. 

We'd all known it was a risk, none of us had thought it would be like this though. Luckily the boys were fine, dropped home for some rest and relaxation.

‘Doctor, you couldn't have known…’ My voice sounded hoarse, like it was made of sand paper.

'I don't blame you, doc. And I'm going to be fine.’ I waved my hand about, trying to make light of the situation, but a stabbing pain in my side made me stop, her bottom lip wobbling as I did so.  
I rubbed my thumb over the top of our intertwined hands, giving her a look as reassuring as I could muster.

The truth was that I was scared, my ribs were bruised and my breathing ragged, I could barely remember what had happened when we'd tried to make our break for freedom, just the doctor's face as she lifted me into the Tardis, her tears dripping on to my cheek as she lay me down, the rubble and carnage a blur behind us. 

Next thing I knew, I was here. Hooked up to IVs and monitors galore.

'I thought I was going to lose you…’ The doctor's voice was quiet as she picked at the threads of the blanket, not even wanting to look at me. 

'I'm sorry,’ I whispered, not even sure what I was apologising for. Whether it was the fact that I wasn't brave enough to do what I do desperately wanted, or even for getting hurt in the first place. I felt like I'd done something wrong, hurt her, even though I never meant to.

‘I should be the one apologising. I put you in danger. I hurt you, Yaz… and that's the last thing I ever wanted.’ Her eyes shone with tears as she looked at me and I felt my breath catch in the back of my throat, the realisation that the doctor cared that much about me hitting me like a tonne of bricks; finally giving me the permission I needed to let the tears fall.

Her hand squeezed mine, and I realised how desperately I wanted her to tell me that everything would be alright.

'Doctor?’ She lifted her head up, eyes scanning mine.

'Hold me,’ I whimpered, ‘please.’ my voice cracked as I made an attempt to wipe away the tears.

Slowly, the doctor stood up before curling up on the bed beside me, her arm placed gingerly over the top of me. 

'It's okay, I've got you,’ she cooed, her hand running across the top of my head.

'You're safe.’ The sobs came in big, rasping gulps as I nestled closer to her, the warmth of her body against mine relief from the panic that had been threatening to engulf me. 

She pulled me tighter still and I felt her plant a kiss on the top of my head as she pulled the covers up over the two of us, turning my back to face her as she wrapped an arm around my waist, gently pulling me to her. 

There was nowhere else I would rather have been and I gently placed my hand on top of hers as my breathing slowed, somehow more relaxed than I had been in weeks.

‘I’m not going to leave you, Yaz. I've got you.’


	37. Holiday

‘It’s beautiful.’ Even I could hear the smile in my voice as I ran a hand across the blue paintwork. It truly was a work of art, and the fact that the doctor and I had the next three days with only each other for company was a definite bonus.

‘Ready?’ She brandished the keys in her hand, wrapping her arms round my neck.

‘Definitely.’ My voice was an almost whisper, loud enough for her to hear but the rest of the world be none the wiser.

I loved being alone with her, feeling like, even in the vast universe that she’d exposed me to, we were the only ones that mattered. 

I planted a kiss on her lips, lingering there for a second as I looked into her eyes.

‘But there’s no way I’m letting you drive.’ My breath tickled her nose and she wrinkled it in response, pouting slightly.

We’d got the camper van for three days. Three long days of the two of us driving along the British coastline.

It had been a spur of the moment decision, when the boys had decided they need some time at home, but it was something that had been on my bucket list for years and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as we got ready to set off.

‘You sure I can’t just do a bit?’ I pulled away from the doctor, raising an eyebrow as she made her puppy dog eyes at me.

‘Do you even have a driving license?’ I stroked the blue VW lovingly as I leant against it, waiting for her response.

‘I have driven through time and space for hundreds of years, I have pulled your planet back from the brink of non-existence using only my ship, I have been to the ends of the universe and back, I…’ 

My laughter cut across her.

‘But have you taken the test? The actual, real life, United Kingdom, Earth, driving test.’ She gave me a withering look, chucking the keys in my direction.

‘Alright, PC Khan.’ Putting her hands up in mock surrender she opened the passenger door, the sun reflecting off it as she pulled it closed behind her.

‘But I’m doing music…’ 

I couldn’t help but giggle. 

We had only been together a couple of weeks and, ordinarily, I would never have entertained the idea of doing something like this with someone this early on in a relationship but, as always, it was different with the doctor. Everything was different with her. 

I felt like I’d known her years, that whatever I was worried about she would be able to see past, and that there was nothing about her that I wouldn’t love so completely and wholeheartedly as was physically possible. 

Looking at her through the car window I could see the shades she’d balanced on her head, the sleeves of her signature t-shirt rolled up as she jabbed at buttons on the stereo.  
She was everything, and she didn’t even know it. 

Tearing my eyes away, I hopped onto the seat beside her, the engine starting with a judder beneath us. 

‘Ready?’ My smile felt almost conspiratorial, as though we were doing something we shouldn’t, and as I rolled down the windows, the sun on my face, I realised how much I’d been missing out on before I met her.

It wasn’t the travel, or the grandeur of it. It was the little things, the feeling of a hand in mine. The looks that she gave me that made me want to giggle or that turned my world upside down. It was the feeling of waking up next to someone who made me feel safe, who saw me when I was scared and unsure of myself and loved me all the same, who I trusted so completely that nothing seemed scary anymore.

‘What are you thinking?’ Her hand slipped over mine on the gearstick, the smile that was on my lips growing wider by the second.

‘Nothing,’ I shrugged my shoulders, knowing she wouldn’t believe me.

‘Just surprised you haven’t broken into the snacks already…’ Immediately her hand dropped mine, spinning round in her seat as she rifled through the carrier bags behind me.  
‘You didn’t tell me you brought snacks…’ Her head emerged momentarily from the bags.

‘By snacks… do you mean custard creams?’ I tipped my head back in laughter, marvelling at how predictable she could be sometimes.

‘Maybe.’ I bit at my lip as she kissed my cheek. The heat of a blush rising to them almost instantly.

‘Yasmin Khan, you know me too well…’ I looked over to see a flash of teeth as she broke into the wrapper, taking a custard cream in each hand as she spoke.

‘This,’ she proclaimed, ‘is going to be the best weekend ever.’


	38. Sea Breeze

‘Ta-dah!’ She stuck her head out of the Tardis doors as she threw them open, leaving no doubt over the fact that she was feeling very, very pleased with herself.

‘Ta-dah...’ Graham mocked, stepping out on to the soil in front of us, which looked like it was distinctly not made of candyfloss.

‘Doc…’ Even as I bit back a smile, Ryan’s voice sounded like a whine, and I took the opportunity to jab at his ribs with my elbow. 

The doctor turned back around, her nose wrinkled in confusion.

‘You said, candyfloss floors, you said, chocolate buttons as big as planets… you said…’ As he spoke, Ryan nursed the bruise I’d just given him, dodging out of my way as I threatened to get him again.

‘It is looking a bit, well, Earth-y, for a foreign planet, doc…’ Graham added, shrugging his shoulders as he kicked at the floor.

I took the opportunity to push past them both, stepping out on to the ground in front of the Tardis.

The sun shone brightly, the smell of salty air hitting me as I breathed in deeply. 

The doctor continued to stroke the Tardis, as though thinking it looked off-colour, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the three of them, so disappointed with what seemed to me to be a perfectly good bit of beach.

‘Seriously?’ I could feel my eyebrows wiggling halfway up my forehead as I spoke. 

‘Seriously though?’ I repeated, waiting until they were all looking at me before I continued.

‘I think we can probably live with this, can’t we?’ My voice dripped with sarcasm, but even as I spoke I could feel the smile coming back, the feeling of happiness I always got when I was within reach of the sea.

The doctor pouted for a few seconds more before making a dive for my hand, pulling me with her down the descent towards the little cove in front of us. 

As we ran, my hair whipped back behind my head, her coat swooshing behind us. I could feel the warmth of her hand in mine, my face aching from the smile that was plastered across it as she squeezed my hand, pulling me closer to the sea.

We smacked into the railings on the top of the sea wall, our hands only just letting go in time to brace ourselves as we grinned at each other, the sea only a few feet in front of us.

I turned myself around, watching the faraway blobs of Ryan and Graham as they began to come in to focus. 

The sun beat on our backs and I watched, a little too eagerly, as the doctor slid out of her coat, pushing her shirt up above her elbows.

With a blush, I turned my attention back to the sea, watching as the waves lapped against the stones. 

I felt it before I saw it, the doctor’s hand in my hair.

I opened my mouth to protest, whilst still willing neither of us to pull away, before I realised what she was doing.

Turning to look at her I grinned at the flower behind her ear, imagining the similar one that was being placed behind mine.

Her fingers grazed the side of my neck, and without my permission my body arched to her touch.

With a final smile, she dropped her hand down, letting it linger for a moment on my hip before falling to her side.

‘Race you?’ She grinned, with a final look to the boys behind us as she hauled herself over the railings and plopped down on to the beach below, her legs already scrambling to get her closer to the sea.

Without a thought, I followed her, knowing that whatever the future held for me, whoever was in my life, I would always long for days like today, where all I had to do was follow the doctor and know that there was going to be magic around the corner.


	39. Sea Breeze (2)

‘Can you see that?’ I squinted for a moment at the sun, following the doctor’s gaze and only tensing for a moment as she rested her head against my shoulder.

‘See what?’ I asked, keeping the calm in my voice even as she nuzzled towards my neck.

‘Doesn’t matter.’ Her voice was tired, and after a moment she tipped her head back in a yawn.

In front of us, the fire flickered steadily and I reached my hands out towards it, enjoying the warmth that it brought. 

The evening wasn’t cold, but after a long day splashing around on the beach it was nice to be cosy. 

Marshmallows lay abandoned on sticks, Graham and Ryan sat a little way down the beach, chatting softly.

My skin prickled under the doctor’s touch as she ran her thumb over the tattoo on my forearm. 

It had been an impulsive decision from a trip we made to a planet where miniature stars zoomed around your head like rain. They’d been a beautiful blue and sparkled ever so slightly.   
The rough geometric drawing didn’t seem to capture the magic of them completely, but whatever ink they’d used on the planet still seemed to sparkle, as though it had been made with the stars themselves. 

‘That’ll be there forever,’ She observed, and I nodded my response, waiting for her to continue. 

‘You’ll never forget it,’ I snorted, and her gaze turned to me, gazing up through her eyelashes as she craned her neck towards me, still trying to avoid pulling her head off my shoulder.

‘Doc, it was a planet with flying stars, it was one of a million adventures you’ve shown me, it was amazing. How could I forget it?’ Even as I spoke, it occurred to me that maybe she’d forget it. Maybe she’d forget all of this. Just because she was the most exciting thing that had happened in my life, didn’t mean that it was reciprocated.

The realisation crashed into me and I pulled away, busying myself with gathering up the rubbish that was now strewn beside me. 

If she was surprised, she didn’t show it, leaning back slightly against the sand dunes and looking back out to sea. 

‘When I was little, I used to cry on my birthdays, in the evening… when all I wanted was for the day to go on forever.’ Her voice was soft and low and I found myself straining to hear it.

‘Then that came along,’ She cocked her head towards the Tardis, a slight note of resentment in her voice.

‘And everything was different.’ I turned my gaze back to her, wanting to say something, but knowing that I could never truly understand what life was like for her, what it meant to be so removed from everything that I had personally ever known.

‘Wibbly wobbly,’ she whispered, her fingers drawing circles in the sand, intricate shapes within them, as if she were writing.

‘But it doesn’t mean things don’t matter, Yaz,’ Turning her head towards me, I saw a tear slip down the side of her face.

‘It means everything matters too much…’ For a moment I stood still, lost at the idea of her sadness, but soon instinct overcame me and I went to her side, my arm looping round her neck as I let her melt into me, slumping in defeat as she did so.

I noticed after a moment the silence that had fallen a few feet away from us and looked over to see Graham and Ryan watching us. Shooting a glare in their direction I motioned for them to leave us alone before rubbing big circles on the doctor’s back, her frame as small as a child as she leant against me. 

‘Nothing lasts forever, even when we want it to…’ I started, my voice soft in the evening sunset.

‘But, that doesn’t mean it can’t be good whilst it’s here.’ I spoke as much to myself as I did to her, leaning my head on top of hers as I pulled her just a tiny bit closer, selfishly relishing the proximity of her. 

Her hair smelt like vanilla and candy floss and I breathed it in, letting my eyes rest shut as I enjoyed the sensation of it. 

‘It’s good now,’ she whispered, her hand twisting at the hem of my shirt as she sat up a little, readjusting herself to be cocooned under my arm. 

I could hear the smile in her voice and, not trust myself to speak, I nodded. Composing myself for a second before opening my mouth. 

‘Yes, yes it is.’ I squeezed her close to me for just a second longer. Suddenly feeling that suffocating feeling that came with being so close to her but knowing that it would never, ever be anything more. 

To have part of her in my life was a massive blessing, but it didn’t stop me from wanting more. Every moment that we spent together need to be doubled, every touch branded onto my skin. There was something about her that made my heart stutter, and I didn’t like to think about it for too long or else I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe. 

It was all too much, and not enough. 

Her fingers reached for my hand, bringing my tattoo back up into the moonlight as she traced the outline of it with her finger. 

For a moment, she paused, and I took in the sheer beauty of her features, the eyebrows ever so slightly furrowed as she thought, the lips puckered as though she was about to speak. 

Without my permission the corners of my mouth tugged up into a smile, something which lasted for only a second before she swept her thumb over my wrist once more, sending a wave of sensation through me from head to toe as she brought my hand up between us, bringing her lips to it and kissing the star on my wrist. 

I held my breath.

‘Doctor,’ Hardly a word, her name was a sigh on my lips, a warning. 

My heart was beating out of my chest, my ears muffled with the pounding of blood running through them. 

But still, I knew. I knew that the slightest slip from her and my heart would shatter into a thousand pieces, that it would never be whole again. 

I ached to reach out to her, but self preservation was kicking in and I bit down on my lip, awaiting her next move, desperate for some sort of reassurance that we were both on the same page. 

None of this was enough, nothing could make me believe her but the words from her lips, but still I didn’t dare ask for them. Still I couldn’t risk this moment being taken away from me when it was only just beginning.

Her forehead rested on my arm for a second as she took a deep breath, the lapping of waves the only thing keeping us from complete silence. 

‘Yaz, do you…?’ Ryan’s voice was cut short as he stopped in his tracks, taking a step back as we sprung apart. 

‘Sorry’ He paused again, and I could feel his eyes on me despite my gaze being glued to the floor. 

‘Do you want… I just wondered… if you wanted dinner?’ I shook my head, almost imperceptibly so, and already he was walking away, leaving the two of us alone once more, my cheeks burning as I tried to avoid her gaze.


	40. Sea Breeze (3)

I closed my eyes, counting to three before I trusted myself to open them again.

As if frozen, her arm was still on mine, her gaze shifting anywhere that meant that she didn’t have to meet mine.

For a second, she shook a little, as though she was going to sob. And then a laugh escaped her lips. It was like the tinkling of glass and the popping of bubbles. It was a sound that invited you to join in, but somehow I couldn’t.

My gaze faltered.

‘Doctor?’ 

‘So long, I’ve wanted, so long…’ She met my gaze, as though willing me to believe it.

‘And then…’ She gestured back to the Tardis doors, shaking her head.

Her hand found mine again, in the darkness, and I let go of the breath that had been tightening in my chest.

Her tone changed again and she ran a finger once more over the tattoo.

‘Come with me?’ 

It was definitely a question and that meant I had the right to refuse, the ability to say no, to stop this, to protect what little of my heart still belonged to me. 

But, I couldn’t. 

I wouldn’t.

For as long as I’d know her, for as long as we’d be together: I would follow her. Always. No questions asked.

As if my body already knew what my mind wanted, I stepped forward, walking in step with her, as we moved away from the Tardis, back towards the sanded cove where we’d been earlier in the day.

The air between us felt electrified, as though a single move would set off a chain reaction that would be unavoidable.

I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles, not speaking, as we drew to a stop. The two of us leant against a rock, the waves lapping a few feet away.

‘Yaz, I’m sorry.’ 

Of the things that I’d expected, that was not one and I turned to her, my toes scrunching in the sand. 

‘If this isn’t, if you don’t think… If I’ve made a mistake.’ She started and stopped, disbelief her words dripping with disbelief.

My voice came back in a squeak, one that I used as I stepped sideways in front of her, my hands resting at either of her sides.

‘NO, no. Seriously, no.’ The corner of her mouth turned up in a small smile, one that I was beginning to recognise as surprise.

‘Really?’ She looked down at my feet before turning her gaze back up to me. 

Nervous was not an emotion that I was used to seeing on her, but somehow it suited her normally self-assured features. I felt my heartbeat flutter in my chest.

Pursing my lips, I bit back a smile of my own, my mind racing at a hundred miles an hour.

There was so much more I wanted from the doctor, so much of her life that I knew nothing about. It was like loving something as big and infinite as the stars themselves but somehow that only made me sad, as though however much I tried to get to know her it would never be enough. Even the retelling of her lifetime wouldn’t fit into the space of my own feeble years on this planet, but I wanted it more than I ever thought possible. 

To be the one who she turned to, the reason why she smiled.

My mind cut to a snapshot of us waking up near each other, and even in the darkness I could see it clear as day, clean fresh sheets, her arm draped over me.

I felt my cheeks heat up at the thought.

‘Really.’ I answered. 

I reached my hand tentatively up to her cheek, finally letting myself smile as she leant in to my touch, her eyes drifting shut. 

My free hand untangled itself from hers, reaching up to the nape of her neck.

My skin felt like it was on fire, every point of contact with hers exaggerated and beautiful.

After a moment, she opened her eyes again and I watched as they drifted down to my lips.

It was all the confirmation I needed and I leaned into her, our lips meeting half way.

The world exploded. 

Everything was magnified, I could hear the crashing of the waves, feel the sand between my toes, the breeze that surrounded us. 

Pulling back for a second I looked at her, looking for some sort of recognition that this was completely out of this world and then I saw it, in the way that she looked back at me, the way her body shifted with mine pressed against it, the sigh that left her lips.  
Time may be endless, but this time was ours and no one else’s.


End file.
